Xtra News Community 2
December 15, 2019, 11:04:18 am
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to Xtra News Community 2 — please also join our XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP.
 
  Home Help Arcade Gallery Links BITEBACK! XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP Staff List Login Register  

A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... 21   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7027 times)
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« on: January 28, 2009, 05:19:07 pm »

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Cool You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bot hers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1)    You believe in Santa Claus.
2)    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3)    You are Santa Claus.
4)    You look like Santa Claus.
 
SUCCESS:
At age  4  success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . .   "Doing It".
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . ."Doing It".
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2009, 06:10:14 pm »

Priceless...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS!!!
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Im2Sexy4MyPants
Absolutely Fabulously Incredibly Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 8029



WWW
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 02:56:56 am »

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.'   He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.

The agent says,  'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

.
.
.
.
>
>
The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'












Report Spam   Logged

Are you sick of the bullshit from the sewer stream media spewed out from the usual Ken and Barby dickless talking point look a likes.

If you want to know what's going on in the real world...
And the many things that will personally effect you.
Go to
http://www.infowars.com/

AND WAKE THE F_ _K UP
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2009, 07:58:01 am »


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled .."Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
wgtngirl
Guest
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2009, 09:37:38 am »

Brilliant donq.....just what we need Wink

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall

To see what was on the other side!
Report Spam   Logged
k1w14ever
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1422



« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 10:10:47 am »



Let him dig ....

 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

 

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

 

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

 

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

 

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

 

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

 

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

Report Spam   Logged

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 05:26:28 pm »

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,
he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of
Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm and holds tight, "no way. I hate needles, I'm
not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas."


So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he
says. "Take this pill."


The man asks "What is it?"


The doc replies, "Viagra."


The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.


"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth!"
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2009, 05:29:58 pm »

Hysterical
Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Calliope
Incredibly Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 3568


If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2009, 05:49:16 pm »

This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school
had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize
and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.



Dear St Josephs School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I
got my own, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into
a lot of pieces.It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine................... and I
told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
Report Spam   Logged

[W]hat the internet and its cult of anonymity do is to provide a blanket sort of immunity for anybody who wants to say anything about anybody else, and it would be difficult in this sense to think of a more morally deformed exploitation of the concept of free speech.
- Richard Bernstein in the New York Times
bump head benny
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1291



WWW
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2009, 09:15:11 pm »

An old woman rings her doictor and says she's suicidal, she's got a gun and she wants the doctors opinion on the best place to shoot herself, he says not in the head , coz its too messy, best to aim for the heart coz itll be over quick smart. Just aim for th left nipple he says. Theres a slight pause and then the doctor hears a loud BANG!!
The old woman comes back on the phone and says doctor, I did as you told me, I put the barrel up to my left nipple and fuck me dayz I shot my kneecap off!!!!
Report Spam   Logged

Lets kill all the warmongers.
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2009, 09:28:57 am »

If the global crisis continues at the present greed-fuelled rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ...
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.
And don't you just know that when these two banks merge it would still be full of bloody wankers!
 


A blond city girl        marries an Oklahoma rancher.  One morning, on        his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The        insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.         I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the        barn.  You show him where the cow is when he

gets here,        OK?"

 

The rancher        leaves for the fields.  After a while, the artificial insemination        man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the        barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,        she tells him, "This is the one right here."

 

The man, assuming        he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying        to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be        bred?"

 

"That's simple.         By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very        confidently.

 

Laughing rudely        at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail        for?"

 

The blond turns        to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang        your pants on."

 

... Chalk up one        for the Blond ...





An American decided to write a book

about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took

a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by

working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church

taking photographs when he noticed a

golden telephone mounted on the wall

with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,

asked a priest who was strolling by what

the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line

to heaven and that for $10,000 you could

talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and

went along his way.

Next stop was in    Atlanta.

There, at a very large   cathedral,

he saw the same golden telephone with the

same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind

of telephone he saw in   Orlando   and he

asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line

to heaven and that for $10,000 he

could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America ,

Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same

golden telephone with the same

'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel   to

Australia to see if   Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia   and again, in the first church

he entered, there was the same golden

telephone, but this time the sign under

it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so

he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the

world   and I've seen this same golden

telephone in many churches. I'm told that it

is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them 

price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,

'You're in Australia  now, son - it's a local call'




 
Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2009, 06:33:03 pm »

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no
problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived
her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects
she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know
this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air w hen the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked
me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that"paramedics.


Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and not
succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally
made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it
was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all a sked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2009, 09:57:06 am »

Embarrasing moments reveal lots


 


 
 

 

4th Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start
behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's
willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was
deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter".


3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was
living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on as a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family -
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends,
were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a
state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system,
which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check
for Tampax Super-size". But it got worse...

Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a
business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address
system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind
you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place - And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in
male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct"
adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again,
the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without
another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as
she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat."
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2009, 06:54:46 am »

Subject: Italian Lesson

Two Italian men get on a bus and after taking their seats they become absorbed in an animated conversation.

A lady sitting nearby tries to ignore them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them apparently graphically describing his lascivious bedroom pursuits :

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last-a time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," yelled out the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak out in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Whos-a talkin' abouta sex? I'm-a just-a tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Calliope
Incredibly Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 3568


If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2009, 10:26:38 am »

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN!!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Theme Parks and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!    What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong..... 


Report Spam   Logged

[W]hat the internet and its cult of anonymity do is to provide a blanket sort of immunity for anybody who wants to say anything about anybody else, and it would be difficult in this sense to think of a more morally deformed exploitation of the concept of free speech.
- Richard Bernstein in the New York Times
TokGal
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1473



« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2009, 12:59:16 pm »

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'




Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !' 

Report Spam   Logged
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2009, 02:57:04 pm »

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday,  a
 woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun  on the
 other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over,  walked up to the car, with
 that classic patronizing smirk we all  know and love, asked, "What's
 your hurry?"

To which she  replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you  do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop  stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum  stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one  finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then  with
my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both  hands in, and then
I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6  feet."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he  asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a  bridge."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the  Cop's Face - PRICELESS!
   
Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #17 on: February 03, 2009, 09:43:11 am »

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2009, 08:35:56 am »

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,
and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going
to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGIN PORRIDGE YET !!
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2009, 06:31:09 pm »

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, .......... green,green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.   

 

 Roll Eyes
Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Shef
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1407



« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2009, 07:30:35 pm »

 Grin HAHAHA  L'lee - that's not a joke - it's real life in NZ!!
Report Spam   Logged

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
wgtngirl
Guest
« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2009, 08:37:46 pm »

PMSL lovelee.....I can relate to that.
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2009, 07:42:48 am »

Only the Irish…

On Visual Mathematics:

Paddy went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Paddy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Paddy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Paddy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "

The second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Paddy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Paddy answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Paddy so he says,

"All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Paddy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Paddy, "Go on, Paddy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Paddy leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says,

"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got –

dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
which makes 100 init."

When do I start my job boss?!"
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #23 on: February 07, 2009, 11:41:59 am »

 Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advise you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2009, 06:55:53 am »

ANGER MANAGEMENT

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and
you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out
on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A
man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak
with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on
me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong number"
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're
an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole" next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
"asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID
program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored
me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote
down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too.. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I
said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it
is. "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he
said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every
evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had
two assholes to call...

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoy-
able as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called
Asshole #1.

"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah", I said.
"Stop calling me", he screamed "Make me", I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah?"
"Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house
with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole", I said...
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass", he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now".

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying
that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way
over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13
news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street... I
quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news
crew.

Now, I feel better.


Piss off,
 Cool
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... 21   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Open XNC2 Smileys
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum


Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy
Page created in 0.062 seconds with 18 queries.