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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7523 times)
Justic
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« Reply #325 on: July 17, 2009, 07:48:17 pm »

A woman goes the doctors for her annual checkup and is told she only has 24 hours to live.
She rushes home, explains to her husband and says: "I want to spend my last night having non-stop, wild, crazy sex."

"Well, that's easy for you to say," her husband replies, "you don't have to get up in the morning."

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« Reply #326 on: July 17, 2009, 07:51:11 pm »

A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues
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« Reply #327 on: July 17, 2009, 07:58:25 pm »

A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues

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Justic
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« Reply #328 on: July 17, 2009, 08:04:20 pm »

A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues



I thought we could all do with a few laffs Shef  Wink
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« Reply #329 on: July 17, 2009, 08:13:18 pm »

Last one...

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday.The rich man says I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and she is still happy.The poor man says I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fup herself.

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« Reply #330 on: July 17, 2009, 08:24:19 pm »



I'm sending that to Mr S, wonder which he'll buy me
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« Reply #331 on: July 17, 2009, 08:26:21 pm »

    x
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

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« Reply #332 on: July 17, 2009, 08:27:07 pm »















x
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #333 on: July 18, 2009, 09:06:31 am »

After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."

 
"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
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« Reply #334 on: July 24, 2009, 10:09:48 am »

The Geography of a Woman !

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa ; half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe ; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece ; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ; has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of
business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ; ruled by nuts

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
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« Reply #335 on: July 25, 2009, 08:04:22 am »



A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but 
the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:


'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

 

Moral of this story....

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.


I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

 

You did notice the size of the print?


 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
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« Reply #336 on: July 25, 2009, 08:36:55 am »

Why God Loves Blondes:

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God,  please let me win the lottery!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business, my house, and my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask You for help, and I've  always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #337 on: July 26, 2009, 02:39:18 pm »

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally..........................

In New Zealand, they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
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« Reply #338 on: July 29, 2009, 08:42:21 pm »



Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***ked if he needed glasses  Wink
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #339 on: July 30, 2009, 08:44:29 pm »

    Painting the Church

    There was a Scottish painter named  Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to ake     it go a wee bit further.

        As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..

    Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..
           

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

     

     

    (you're going to love this)




















 



    "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

     

     
       

     

     

   
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« Reply #340 on: July 30, 2009, 11:27:43 pm »

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near  Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:














"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




(I am soooooo sorry....... But you really should've seen that coming) Grin
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« Reply #341 on: July 31, 2009, 11:57:27 am »

Thought for the day… If the American’s really did land on the moon 40 years ago… why has nobody stepped foot on it since?

*****
 
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


 
 *****
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
   
 ****
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.


******
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

******
 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


*****

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
 

******

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.
 
 
*******

A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory


*******
 
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.


*****

I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.

 
*****

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

******

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.


*****

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
 
******
In Memoriam

 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.


********
 
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.


****** 

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

 
*****
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


****** 
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.


***** 
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
   
******
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
     
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« Reply #342 on: July 31, 2009, 12:05:07 pm »

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY .... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
 
1.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?  ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16.  If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

32.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
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« Reply #343 on: July 31, 2009, 09:58:17 pm »

.
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #344 on: August 01, 2009, 04:24:29 pm »

   A logical Puzzle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 








*   Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed                                                                      *
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« Reply #345 on: August 03, 2009, 08:24:25 pm »

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
 let him keep her.

 David Bissonette

 After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
 just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

 Sacha Guitry

 By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
 you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 Socrates

 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
 them.

 Anonymous

 The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
 'What does a woman want?
 Dumas

 I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.
 Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to
 go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,

> >>> soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
> >>>
> >>> Anonymous

 There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
 electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
 Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and
 the second one didn't.'

 James Holt McGavra

 Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

 Patrick Murra

 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
 forget it once....
 Nash

 You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
 Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 Rodney Dangerfield


 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day
 he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You
 can have mine.'
 Anonymous

 First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
 Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

 Anonymous
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Sir Blodsnogger
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« Reply #346 on: August 04, 2009, 04:23:00 am »

These are some of the funniest I have ever seen.
Great stuff
Thanks guys and guyesses
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« Reply #347 on: August 05, 2009, 09:38:15 am »


6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.





 






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot too, but I needed company ....
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
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« Reply #348 on: August 06, 2009, 04:12:05 am »

! dammit i made idiot status =(
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« Reply #349 on: August 08, 2009, 05:27:05 pm »

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding
anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were
married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the
trade and spice up our sex life a bit....?'

She said 'No, I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
rugby for Wales ....
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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