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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7523 times)
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #300 on: June 25, 2009, 03:50:41 pm »

What happens when penguins die?


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





'Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow.'
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Justic
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« Reply #301 on: June 26, 2009, 02:10:32 pm »

Apologies to my Irish Grandmother.........

Irelands worst air disater struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetary, Irish rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies. Digging continues....
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"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
donquixotenz
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« Reply #302 on: June 27, 2009, 07:27:01 am »

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


     *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


      *     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


         *           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


       *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *       *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
Guest
« Reply #303 on: June 27, 2009, 07:04:19 pm »


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters




From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go fuck yourself.




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your Indonesian Aerial Survey company (crypytic), this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my Indonesian Aerial Survey company (crypytic) was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
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GreenThumb
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« Reply #304 on: June 29, 2009, 09:54:50 pm »

lol funny email doing the rounds , about as silly as watching someone shoot a BB at their thigh thinking it wont hurt  Grin
 
Quote
            Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!  It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

            Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

            Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
           
            What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

            WAY TOO COOL!

            Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

            Nothing! I was disappointed.

            I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

            AWESOME!!!

            Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

            Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

            There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

            I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

            But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

            Am I wrong?

            So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

            The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

            All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


            What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

            I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

            I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
            HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ....... WHAT THE HELL!!!

            I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

            I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

            The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

            Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

            You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

            SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

             A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

            My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

            My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

            Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

            I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

            P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

            If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

             
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #305 on: June 30, 2009, 10:09:05 am »

Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
 
 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
Q. Why are fish so smart

A. Because they swim in schools!
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 
Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Thumb'

- A temporary hook holder

What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Knot'?

- The insecure connection between your fly hook and your
fishing line

What is the definition of a 'live bait'?

- The biggest fish you will handle all day

What is the definition of a 'Treble Hook'?

- A hook that trebles the odds of you catching a fish but
quadruples the odds of you getting it caught in your thumb

What is the definition of an 'Angler'?

- An obsessive individual who owns a house that is falling
down due to neglect
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Shit-Hot Member
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #306 on: July 01, 2009, 10:15:10 am »


SMART ARSE COMEBACKS 2008

6th  Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









5th  Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------








4th  Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









3rd  Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------










SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2008


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #307 on: July 03, 2009, 10:14:37 am »

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife...

...best trade I ever made.
 
 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
Q. Where do fish sleep?

A. In a river bed
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
"I caught a twenty pound salmon last week."

"Were there any witnesses?"

"There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds."
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
I only fish on dem derre days that ind wit -day.
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out?

I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
What do fish and women have in common?

They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them !
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #308 on: July 04, 2009, 06:37:11 pm »


.................
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #309 on: July 04, 2009, 10:12:00 pm »

The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #310 on: July 05, 2009, 10:30:25 am »




..

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
Guest
« Reply #311 on: July 07, 2009, 02:15:38 am »


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relaxed1
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« Reply #312 on: July 09, 2009, 12:09:10 pm »

Hallmark Cards You Will Never See

How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends,
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."


"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age—almost lifelike!"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday—so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)
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I know how i am and your approval isn't needed
donquixotenz
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« Reply #313 on: July 10, 2009, 09:09:59 am »

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'





Mrs . Smith fainted.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #314 on: July 11, 2009, 11:36:07 am »

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because most women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #315 on: July 14, 2009, 11:02:19 am »

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:


" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? You're crazy to go to Rome It's crowded and dirty. So how are you getting there?

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental, exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called "Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.


And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who messed up your hair?"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #316 on: July 15, 2009, 11:41:55 am »

A young student asked the master "Why do farts stink?"
after some deliberation, the master said
"Young man, farts stink, so that even deaf people can enjoy them"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #317 on: July 15, 2009, 08:08:30 pm »

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ..
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you realize,


you have been listening to your ipod.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #318 on: July 15, 2009, 08:13:26 pm »

A young student asked the master "Why do farts stink?"
after some deliberation, the master said
"Young man, farts stink, so that even deaf people can enjoy them"
Grin
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Im2Sexy4MyPants
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WWW
« Reply #319 on: July 16, 2009, 06:50:46 am »

.
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Are you sick of the bullshit from the sewer stream media spewed out from the usual Ken and Barby dickless talking point look a likes.

If you want to know what's going on in the real world...
And the many things that will personally effect you.
Go to
http://www.infowars.com/

AND WAKE THE F_ _K UP
donquixotenz
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« Reply #320 on: July 16, 2009, 12:11:50 pm »

 SmileyPoor Louie!


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.



When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!



Notto be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
Shecalled the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.



In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.


My relief was short-lived.





Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me,and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as Ireached for my wallet.

What could I do?




The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #321 on: July 16, 2009, 03:57:01 pm »

Helen Clarke, when Prime Minister of New Zulland,was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.

PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?
 
PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
 
Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?
 
PM: I'll call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".
 
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #322 on: July 16, 2009, 08:12:15 pm »

 Cheesy
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #323 on: July 17, 2009, 10:41:24 am »

SCHOOL--
1957 vs. 2007

Scenario
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,

goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail

and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 Crowd gathers. Mark wins.

Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 -Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.

Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state

because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 -Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario

Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.

Newspaper articles appear nationally

explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up

mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents,

siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list

and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Justic
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« Reply #324 on: July 17, 2009, 07:47:37 pm »

Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

"What do you do about it?" asked the first.

"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.

The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer and asked,

"Who drives you to the beach?"
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"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

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