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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7772 times)
bump head benny
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« Reply #75 on: February 26, 2009, 11:42:37 am »

Then theres the Mike Tyson computer....two bites and no memory.
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #76 on: February 26, 2009, 05:08:18 pm »

an oldie

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here's one:




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them,

and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that small tree
Is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither
A son of a beech ... nor... A son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash

I have ever put my pecker in."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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« Reply #77 on: February 26, 2009, 08:03:25 pm »

Two fish swimming aound and one says.
"Aaaaah flounder" the othe rone says Aaaah sole"
 Grin
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ssweetpea
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« Reply #78 on: February 26, 2009, 09:11:18 pm »

two rhymes taught to me by my mother when I was small

Ask you mother for six pence
to see the big giraffe
with pimples on his hind legs
and pimples on his
Ask your mother for six pence....

A sol
A sol
A soldier went to war
two pis
two pis
two pistols in his hands
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The way politicians run this country a small white cat should have no problem http://sally4mp.blogspot.com/
bump head benny
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« Reply #79 on: February 27, 2009, 12:08:42 am »

The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.�
You should take some time off and relax!�
Try again next year.

 Grin
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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bump head benny
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« Reply #80 on: February 27, 2009, 12:15:24 am »

Aussie studmuffin

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells
him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this
means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him
that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes
to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the
sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and
goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again... He drives
them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just
standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds
to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home,

    falls knackered into bed.


The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife
to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,
 
"They're all sitting in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #81 on: February 27, 2009, 07:58:31 am »

Allegedly genuine extracts from letters sent by tenants to the British equivalent of Housing New Zealand:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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« Reply #82 on: February 28, 2009, 02:35:10 am »

 Grin
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #83 on: February 28, 2009, 07:38:10 am »

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)
This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself :

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, ! but I wo n't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you?

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

Have a Great Day!

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #84 on: March 01, 2009, 07:41:10 am »

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice e in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #85 on: March 01, 2009, 04:44:23 pm »

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.



A warm voice said, "Come on in."



When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"



"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.



"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."



"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife.



"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.



"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"



"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"



So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"



"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.



"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #86 on: March 01, 2009, 06:01:42 pm »

THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if


you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'




I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in the car.

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
bump head benny
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« Reply #87 on: March 02, 2009, 03:34:50 am »

 Shocked
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #88 on: March 02, 2009, 07:37:43 am »

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Calliope
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If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #89 on: March 02, 2009, 09:08:36 am »

Importance of Walking


 



  1/   Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $7000 per month.

    2/    My grandpa started walking
     five miles a day when he was 60..
     Now he's 97 years old...
     and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
     
     3/  I like long walks,
     especially when they are taken
     by people who annoy me.
     
   4/    The only reason I would take up walking
     is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
     
5/     I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     
6/      I joined a health club last year,
     spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     ...apparently you have to actually go there.
   
  7/   Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
     
8/      I do have flabby thighs,
     but fortunately my stomach covers them.

   9/    The advantage of exercising every day
     is so when you die, they'll say,
     'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
     
 10/    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country. 
   
11/     I know I got a lot of exercise
     the last few years,......
     just getting over the hill was enough.
 
12/    We all get heavier as we get older,
     because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
     AND

 13/    Every time I start thinking too much
     about how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
     and by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.
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- Richard Bernstein in the New York Times
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #90 on: March 03, 2009, 03:25:05 pm »

Grave situation

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
 
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. 

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked,

'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to
haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said,

'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloomin’ women ... they think of everything!
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #91 on: March 03, 2009, 09:21:47 pm »

WARNING RISQUE!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady
turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady
replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

************************************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used
to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I
can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
about."

************************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
Adult community. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He
replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In
prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and
very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're
single..."

************************************************************************

Another two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a
community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes. Yes,
I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, be cause I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic
to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" Morris
replied.

To which the doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream
parlor in Decatur, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #92 on: March 04, 2009, 06:21:03 am »

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
 
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning...'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #93 on: March 04, 2009, 07:50:15 am »

One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin' of 10
glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that
he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the
feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but
all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE, I want to Love! I am a DOVE, I want
to love! Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest: again the sex
was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am
a LOON, I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,
so he brought the DUCK back to the nest . Again the sex was great, but all
the DUCK would say was...well .... you know ....





Scroll down.
















No ...... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!! What an awful mind you have!!!










Scroll a little further ....




















The Duck said, I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!

_________________________________________________________________

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #94 on: March 05, 2009, 05:48:50 am »

An elderly couple were celebrating their golden anniversary and were out
having a few drinks together.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and
I made love to you for the first time".

"Oh Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but fun idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious/violent sex that the
policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming, the old lady's fingers clawing/scratching the old guy
s back. Finally, they both collapse, gasping/panting and trembling on the
ground.

Jesus, thinks the amazed cop. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, the old lady with a glazed happy look, and the old
man wheezing & struggling to walk, he says to them,

"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex
life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man's hoarse whisper barely able to be heard, replies:

"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric!"

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #95 on: March 05, 2009, 09:27:04 am »

WARNING
Another sheep joke so if you are going to be offended dont read it



Cowboy Whisperer






A Cowboy meets an Australian herding sheep in the Blue Mountains.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Dog does not talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."


Aussie: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Aussie your owner?" (pointing at the Aussie)
Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Aussie: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Horse does not talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Aussie: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Aussie)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: " How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me , brushes me down
often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Aussie: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Sheep lies."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #96 on: March 06, 2009, 06:07:21 am »

Morning Sex


MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #97 on: March 06, 2009, 09:39:49 am »

NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
 
 
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western
Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!  Beautiful, sunny days and warm,
balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
 
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned
home, driving air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
 
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more
mowing lawns for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of
heat?  At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising  is
taking longer than I expected.
 
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like
this.
 
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of
a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.  The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat
shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
 
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer.  And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive
over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
 
October 30th
The temperatures up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon.
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't
even go inside.  Why the hell did I ever come here?
 
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around
25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.
 
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle
him.. Fuckin' heat!  By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my
clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
 
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery
in the ol' car.  I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all
the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse.  Now the car smells like burnt hair,
fried arse and baked cat!
 
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot
and fuckin' sunny!  It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn't it ever rain in this damn
fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the fuckin' pool.  The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the
fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the
fuckers!
 
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.  Now the air conditioner's gone in my
car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'  My wife had to
spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker.
Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
 
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
 
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HisMajesty
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« Reply #98 on: March 06, 2009, 02:34:35 pm »

LOL. Took him 4 months to hate the place. It took me under a month to hate Brisbane! Back in the maindland people were complaning about how cold and wet it was but I had a grateful smile on my face for a few days!
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« Reply #99 on: March 06, 2009, 06:10:25 pm »

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.

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