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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 6992 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #50 on: February 19, 2009, 07:12:18 pm »

ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #51 on: February 20, 2009, 08:15:48 am »

I found this on the old xtranews2 and had a laugh.



People should give the appropriate time to think of suitable & appropriate
domain names for their business.

The following domains are real.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and
famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island":

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

We have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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« Reply #52 on: February 20, 2009, 08:18:47 am »

 Grin
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #53 on: February 21, 2009, 07:56:32 am »

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU..

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M

FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE.




















THE FLU
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #54 on: February 21, 2009, 11:43:33 am »

From the 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS:
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use ‘occy’ straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped… and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
“The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY:
Three young men in Oklahoma were looking forward to enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT:
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say, God delivered.
The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH:
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU:
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone…more or less. He was doing the usual “walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT:
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Nitpicker1
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« Reply #55 on: February 21, 2009, 03:54:32 pm »

 
-Hi Di.



 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to  take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
 I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten  to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with  Robyn Carter?"
 Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in  number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
 that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct  number to call her, I found  that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
 After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
 When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up.
 
 I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
 When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.
 So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
 He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
 I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
 
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
 A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
 arsehole, to so. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
 "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
 "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
 "What's your name?" I asked.
 "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
 "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
 "I'm home every evening after five."
 "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
 "Yes?"
 "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
 
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
 "Hello."
 "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
 "Are you still there?" he asked.
 "Yeah," I said.
 "Stop calling me," he screamed.
 "Make me," I said.
 "Who are you?" he asked
 "My name is Don Hansen."
 "Yeah? Where do you live?"
 "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
 He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
 I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
 Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
 "Hello, arsehole," I said.
 He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
 "You'll what?" I said.
 "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
 I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

 I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each
 other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

 NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

 







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bump head benny
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« Reply #56 on: February 22, 2009, 05:31:00 am »

So Donald duck walks into a brothel and says. "Can you put it on my bill?"
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #57 on: February 22, 2009, 07:42:17 am »

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #58 on: February 22, 2009, 08:20:34 am »

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
robman
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« Reply #59 on: February 22, 2009, 11:31:13 am »

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'
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Lovelee
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« Reply #60 on: February 22, 2009, 05:53:34 pm »

Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed , his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure , they decide to consult their Rabbi.The Rabbi listens to their story , strokes his beard , and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love , have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed , they go back to the Rabbi.'Okay , ' he says to the husband , 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'Once again , they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire , the same strapping young man.The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous , room-shaking , ear-splitting screaming orgasm.The husband smiles , looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly , 'See that , you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Brownie55
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


« Reply #61 on: February 22, 2009, 10:24:59 pm »

This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French friesand one drink. The old manunwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You cou ld tell they were thinking, 'T hat poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..









(This is great!)









**********




'THE TEETH.'
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Brownie55
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


« Reply #62 on: February 22, 2009, 10:27:06 pm »

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #63 on: February 23, 2009, 07:52:23 am »

New Element discovered.


The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of
the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named "Governmentium".


Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.




These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.




Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less
than a second, to take over four days to complete.




Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.




This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.




It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #64 on: February 23, 2009, 06:47:27 pm »

THE PERFECT WISH




A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.



The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.



For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #65 on: February 24, 2009, 08:22:56 am »

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #66 on: February 24, 2009, 05:14:02 pm »

Saw this on another site and it was looking into the past line by line.
Only a few things different add horse and the home gate jumping the corrugated sled don the pine hill.
Swimming the tidal bore at San Remo and using real snakes for whip fights.
And cricket with a Mallee root for a bat and a big stone for the ball and chucking was in.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and

NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #67 on: February 24, 2009, 06:37:30 pm »


Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the
desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice
hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to
the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #68 on: February 24, 2009, 06:38:56 pm »

Grannie's retirement under national.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #69 on: February 25, 2009, 08:10:33 am »

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   _________________________ ___________

  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
   _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________
     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..
     ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #70 on: February 25, 2009, 08:11:20 am »

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the
company. One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
a round here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into
the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes,
but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches
up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says... 'Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

 

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.' You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #71 on: February 25, 2009, 11:34:50 pm »

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in
front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's
nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded doctor's room and say things like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong
with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #72 on: February 26, 2009, 07:41:16 am »

Subject: Fw: Puns to make you cringe
I love the Ghandi one!



>1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
>ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>
>2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
>you, but don't start anything."
>
>3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
>
>4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
>says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
>taste funny to you?"
>
>7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
>sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
>Unusual."
>
>8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
>Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
>you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
>
>9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
>to look at either.
>
>10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
>
>11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>couldn't find any.
>
>12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>can't - I've cut off your arms!"
>
>13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>
>14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
>and says "Dam!".
>
>16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
>the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
>have your kayak and heat it too.
>
>17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
>standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
>After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
>to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he
>said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
>18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
>goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
>family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
>of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
>her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
>husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
>Ahmal."
>
>19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
>which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
>very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
>suffered from bad breath.
>This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super
>calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #73 on: February 26, 2009, 09:55:10 am »

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the
young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" I'M BROKE!! And she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" "You don't have to buy
anything, I just need about 10 minutes of your time". "Just let me show you my
demonstration"!!!!!

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remai!nder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a mighty good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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WWW
« Reply #74 on: February 26, 2009, 09:58:00 am »

Two rabbits are enjoying a quiet beer at a snack bar and one rabbit says, "Im feeling a bit peckish, i think Ill have a cheese toastie"
So he orders the cheese toastie and when it arrives he chows down and in no time its gone. ten minutes later the rabbit is hungry again, so he orders a steak and egg toastie this time.
Again he chows down and feeling satisfied he goes back to chatting with the other rabbit.
Ten minutes later he feels hungry yet again, so this time he orders a hawaiian toastie with pineapples and sweet corn. Eventually he manages to finish it off and he turns to the other rabbit, and before he can say anything he falls off his stool and, he's stone cold dead, with his four feet sticking up in the air.
Well anyhoo.....the dead rabbit appears at the pearly gates and says to saint Peter. " What happened?...why did I kark it? Saint Peter cant answer him so the rabbit thinks and thinks real hard hmmmm, what did I do wrong?....and then boom!!! a flash of insight hits him and he says to himself.
I must have died from mixing me toasties"

 Grin
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Lets kill all the warmongers.

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