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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 6829 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #475 on: January 24, 2013, 07:46:48 am »

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
 
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
 
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
 
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
 
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
 
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
 
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
 Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
 
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
 
The Maid quit.
 
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
 
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
 
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
 
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
 
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
 
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.Smiley
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #476 on: January 27, 2013, 05:26:55 pm »

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

 

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

 

The second boy said, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

 

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

 

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

 

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #477 on: January 30, 2013, 08:06:46 pm »

Ladies toilets - so very funny - probably cos it's probably so true........

 

 


When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

 

Every cubicle is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!


The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.


In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.


'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don'tKNOW what kind of diseases you could get.


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.


The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDED it?)


You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.


This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.


Send this to all women that need a good laugh and to the boys to make them understand that being a girl is not all that easy! 


A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #478 on: February 02, 2013, 12:48:56 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
reality
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« Reply #479 on: February 02, 2013, 02:05:16 pm »

Sorry to hear all that Bob..I mean Bwuss....life must be very difficult for you Roll Eyes
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #480 on: February 02, 2013, 02:12:35 pm »

Sorry to hear all that Bob..I mean Bwuss....life must be very difficult for you Roll Eyes


So says the idiot who couldn't "hack it" living in ENZED, so fled across the Ditch like a terrified rat! 

← ← ← ← ← ← ← Reality
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reality
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« Reply #481 on: February 02, 2013, 02:18:46 pm »

Chin up sonny Wink
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reality
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« Reply #482 on: February 02, 2013, 02:20:56 pm »

Guess its always an easy decision for you .......as to what you get your wife/girlfriend /boyfriend for their birthday Tongue
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #483 on: February 02, 2013, 05:31:01 pm »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Alicat
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« Reply #484 on: February 02, 2013, 05:49:51 pm »



Me too Don
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #485 on: February 24, 2013, 01:56:31 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #486 on: March 01, 2013, 10:56:22 am »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
donquixotenz
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« Reply #487 on: March 01, 2013, 11:06:09 am »

Hahahahaha!
Too Pooped To pope.
Too much!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #488 on: March 03, 2013, 09:15:30 am »



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Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #489 on: March 08, 2013, 10:40:48 am »



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donquixotenz
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« Reply #490 on: April 17, 2013, 09:35:03 pm »

Must read.... I borrowed this from a friends post..

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Posts: 30098


Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #491 on: April 27, 2013, 12:10:22 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
donquixotenz
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« Reply #492 on: June 27, 2013, 12:38:04 am »



 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

 Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
 
“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #493 on: June 28, 2013, 09:49:10 pm »

LMAO...PRICELESS!!

 A London lawyer drives past a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

 He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
 London lawyer, and is certain that he has a
 better education than any Paddy cop!. He decides to prove this
 to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

 Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

 London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

 Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the
 Stop sign.'

 London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

 Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
 License And registration, please.'

 London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

 Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to
 complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
 please!'

 London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
 between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and
 registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go
 and don't give me the ticket.'

 Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

 The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out
 his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it
 and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
robman
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« Reply #494 on: June 28, 2013, 10:49:42 pm »

What's the name of David Bain's favourite band?



Powderfinger.
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I once thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #495 on: June 28, 2013, 10:51:52 pm »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #496 on: July 11, 2013, 09:56:30 am »

My Travel Plans for 2013-2014
 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

 I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

 So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well that forgiveness part is up to you!!!

 From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #497 on: October 03, 2013, 09:43:43 pm »

     A man and his wife were dressed and ready to go out for a New Year’s Eve Party. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered the pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
 
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave... the house. The cat they put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parakeet.
 
The wife goes out to the taxi, while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as they drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
AuntyRotter
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« Reply #498 on: October 04, 2013, 10:40:24 am »

 Grin  Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see.
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #499 on: December 15, 2013, 02:02:04 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 

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