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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7709 times)
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #450 on: April 05, 2011, 12:49:26 am »

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


        On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped in to a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled in to bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

         When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"


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donquixotenz
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« Reply #451 on: May 20, 2011, 09:46:38 am »

TOUGH TIMES AHEAD


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister
Of Immigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military
Action against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will
Cut off Australia's and New Zealand's supply of Cab Drivers and if this action does not
Yield sufficient results, Telstra and Telecom's Customer Service Reps will be
Next, followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, and finally,
Queensland  and New Zealand Doctors and chemists.

THIS IS GETTING UGLY!!!!!!



« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 09:51:51 am by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #452 on: May 20, 2011, 01:46:45 pm »

 Extracts from letters written  To local councils:


  1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
  12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
  16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
  18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
  22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #453 on: July 26, 2011, 02:43:39 pm »

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) A Car
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of

answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!

 
 
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?


One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'.....
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


They Drive, they breed, they vote.

God help us!



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #454 on: August 01, 2011, 12:59:31 pm »

MAXINE’S PONDERINGS






Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?




If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?




     


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* 
Why do croutons come in
airtight packages?
 Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?




If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?   




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps? That way we all get a good look.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
TokGal
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« Reply #455 on: August 03, 2011, 06:49:39 am »

my 7 year old great niece was teaching her 3 year old brother to play paper, rock, scissors, after losing a few times he made his own version up,.......paper, rock, GUN!

I guess the gun beats all.  Wink
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #456 on: September 27, 2011, 04:03:48 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #457 on: September 30, 2011, 09:07:20 am »

Senior on computer
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
... He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' ?
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard .

If you're not a Senior yet then send this to one...
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pantherrr0
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« Reply #458 on: October 03, 2011, 11:36:48 pm »



busted!
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #459 on: October 17, 2011, 06:12:19 pm »


     
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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #460 on: October 17, 2011, 06:12:53 pm »


         
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #461 on: November 04, 2011, 05:59:57 pm »

The English Plural

according to....



We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.



If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?



Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.



We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speakingEnglish

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........


If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.Huh?




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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #462 on: November 07, 2011, 11:13:16 am »



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Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #463 on: July 18, 2012, 02:06:49 pm »


Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an Aussie.

“Watch and you'll see,” answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this, agreeing it was quite a clever idea.

The Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks a confused Aussie.

“Watch and you'll see,” answers one of the Kiwis.

After boarding the train, the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly after, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please!”

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #464 on: September 15, 2012, 12:49:15 pm »



Extracts from letters written To local councils:

extracts from letters to the council

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #465 on: September 15, 2012, 02:30:24 pm »

 Grin Grin Grin   Good to see you Don.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #466 on: September 16, 2012, 07:51:15 pm »

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

 

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age Cool

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.. (Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off

eating beans. (William, age 7)

 

Cool - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age Cool

 

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

 

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

 

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
 Grin
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #467 on: December 04, 2012, 01:41:38 pm »



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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #468 on: December 08, 2012, 06:29:19 pm »



Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'



 


'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!





She said, 'Oh, my God, it 's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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« Reply #469 on: December 20, 2012, 01:10:10 pm »

Last year , I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive , double-pane , energy-efficient kind .

Today , I got a call from the contractor who installed them .

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them .

Helloooo ,............

Just because I'm blonde , it doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid .

So , I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year ...

"That these windows would pay for themselves in a year" .
 
Hellooooo ? It's been a year , so they're paid for ,
I told him .

There was only silence at the other end of the line , so I finally hung up .

He never called back . I bet he felt like an idiot !!!!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #470 on: December 21, 2012, 05:34:51 am »

Holiday message

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #471 on: January 04, 2013, 06:08:13 am »

Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.



Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.


Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #472 on: January 09, 2013, 06:45:04 pm »

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0</a>
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #473 on: January 18, 2013, 07:36:57 am »

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.




And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'





And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord,Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.
 
 
 

And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.


And the Cat . . .

didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #474 on: January 20, 2013, 09:04:52 pm »

I was walking down the street with my husband earlier when he accused me of being ashamed to be seen with him. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.
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