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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7725 times)
Magoo
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« Reply #425 on: August 11, 2010, 07:34:54 pm »

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ssweetpea
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« Reply #426 on: August 18, 2010, 12:37:14 pm »

Not exactly a joke but I had to share.


Railroad tracks.
The  US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the  US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 
 
 
Why did the wagons have that particular
odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in   England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
 
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial   Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including   England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial  Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.  In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
 
 Now, the twist to the story:

 When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .
 
 The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
So, Horse's Asses control almost everything...
...Explains a whole lot of things,
doesn't it?
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The way politicians run this country a small white cat should have no problem http://sally4mp.blogspot.com/
donquixotenz
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« Reply #427 on: October 16, 2010, 08:19:06 pm »

PROVERBS.

1.  A day without sunshine is like night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of Politicians give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?


20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?


21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'


22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



25. An armed society is a polite society. 



26. Manners are good when one may have to back up his actions with his life. 


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Crusader
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« Reply #428 on: October 20, 2010, 08:19:25 pm »

Pamela Anderson is running in slow motion on the beach and comes across a lamp. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears. He thanks her and states she can have one wish. Pamela thinks real hard and asks the genie if he could make the T.V series V.I.P the sensational hit it should have been. The genie just laughs at her and states that he has seen that show and not even he has the power to make that a hit and then tells her to make another wish. Pamela again thinks about and asks the genie if he could then make her vagina tighter. The genie thinks about this for a moment and finally says ''umm let me have a look at that show V.I.P.
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Crusader
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« Reply #429 on: October 20, 2010, 08:22:17 pm »

Lisa Lampanelli is always going on about gangbangs with black guys. But in this day and age, who is she fooling? Everyone knows a black guy wouldn't get inside anyone the size of a slave ship.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #430 on: October 21, 2010, 10:04:38 pm »

Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women - they think of everything!!!!

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR Place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
 

 
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #431 on: October 27, 2010, 06:32:42 pm »

 The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    Home at $7000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
     Five miles a day when he was 60.
     Now he's 97 years old
     And we don't know where the hell he is.
   
    I like long walks,
     Especially when they are taken
     By people who annoy me.
   
    The only reason I would take up walking
     Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
     I have to walk early in the morning,
     Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
   
    I joined a health club last year,
     Spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     Apparently you have to go there.
   
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
   
    I do have flabby thighs,
     But fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
     Is so when you die, they'll say,
     'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
   
    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    Start with a small country.
   
    I know I got a lot of exercise
     The last few years,......
     Just getting over the hill..
 
   We all get heavier as we get older,
     Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much
      About how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
  And by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.
   
    You could run this over to your friends
     But just e-mail it to them!   
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #432 on: October 27, 2010, 06:46:10 pm »

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Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #433 on: October 28, 2010, 01:02:47 pm »


Yu Kee Food House in Hong Kong
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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
donquixotenz
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« Reply #434 on: October 29, 2010, 08:46:18 pm »

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
 


 
 




he kept in the hen house behind the church.
               
 

One Sunday morning, before mass, he

went to feed the birds and discovered

that the cock was missing.
 
 

He knew about cock fights in


the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,   

'Has anybody got a cock? '
   
   
 
 
  All the men stood up.
 
 
 
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '


 
 
  All the women stood up.
 

   'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '
   
   
 
  Half the women stood up.
 
 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '   
 Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.
 
 The priest fainted.



Amen~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #435 on: December 30, 2010, 06:18:16 am »

Silver Surfers Wisdom ......

 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


 I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?   

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric
grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.   

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'   
     ^
^
^
V
V
V
V

V


So I wrote down:       ID10T 

I used to like Eric, the little bastard



★*•˚° ★。 ° ˛˚˛★* •。* •。Happy New Year all★* •。★*˚° 。* •。˛˚*° 。˚*•★★

(๏̯͡-̃)

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
akadaka
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« Reply #436 on: January 06, 2011, 04:09:46 pm »

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Rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
donquixotenz
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« Reply #437 on: February 14, 2011, 09:30:09 pm »

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a..m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

  In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #438 on: February 18, 2011, 06:40:48 am »

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. 
 
   
 
 
 
 They were determined to make this a real vacation 
  by not wearing anything that would identify them 
  as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed 
  for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, 
  shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 
 
 
 
 The next morning they went to the beach 
  dressed in their 'tourist' garb. 
  They were sitting on beach chairs, 
 
 
 
 enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 
  'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini 
  came walking straight towards them.. 
  They couldn't help but stare. 
 
               
 
 As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 
  'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' 
  nodding and addressing each of them individually, 
  then she passed on by. They were both stunned. 
  How in the world did she know they were priests? 
  So the next day, they went back to the store 
  and bought even more outrageous outfits. 
 
 
 
 These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.  Again she nodded at each of them, said 
 
 
 
 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' 
  and started to walk away.  One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,  'Just a minute, young lady..' 'Yes, Father?' 
  'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 
 
           
 
 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.   
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #439 on: March 07, 2011, 06:44:04 pm »

SCHOOL -- 1970 vs. 2010



Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.

1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmaster. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.

1970 - Ants die.

2010-  Police, Armed Forces,  & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
nitpicker1
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« Reply #440 on: March 09, 2011, 02:39:18 pm »

Ain't it the truth.
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"Life might not be the party you were expecting, but you're here now, so you may as well get up and dance"
Lovelee
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« Reply #441 on: March 09, 2011, 02:54:44 pm »



ITS BLOODY SAD, IT IS ALL TRUE!!

It shouldnt be in the joke thread!!
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #442 on: March 09, 2011, 02:56:38 pm »

Subject: New dictionary definitions

 

 

 

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

and MY Favourite!!
=========================
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
------------------------------------------------------------------
 



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #443 on: March 09, 2011, 07:14:36 pm »

I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What bloody good advice :O)
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #444 on: March 11, 2011, 03:21:30 pm »

Brace yourselves……...

01. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

02. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

03. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

04. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

05. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

06. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

07 . An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

08 . Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

09 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

10 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

11 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

12.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

13 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

14 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

15 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

And finally

16 . There was the person who sent puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #445 on: March 18, 2011, 04:08:03 pm »

http://www.facebook.com/v/1767503582045

Amazing, the study of psychology.

Watch (see attachment).

Here we have a set of stairs, adjacent to a moving escalator next to it .... both of which lead to the same spot on the floor of the upper level. At first no one took the stairs, almost 97% of the people took the escalator. Okay. I think that could be a normal expected result.

Then a group of engineers got together, and decided they wanted to change the percentage around.

Notice what these scientists did. Clever. And now they have reversed the percentages, as a whopping 66% more people take the stairs, than ride the escalator.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #446 on: March 25, 2011, 09:31:03 pm »

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.  But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam .."
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Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
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Posts: 19338



« Reply #447 on: March 25, 2011, 11:14:22 pm »

The other day I needed to go to Middlemore A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet on to the top pocket of my jacket..

When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people
got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at Work & Income. It saved me 5 hours.

At Britomart, getting a seat on the train to Papakura, sweet as, almost had a whole carriage.

At the launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....

The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #448 on: March 26, 2011, 06:04:34 pm »

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can  had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. 
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,


'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'



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Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #449 on: April 05, 2011, 12:48:21 am »




NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

      A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
      They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

      The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
      But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

      Emma come first.
      Den I come.
      Den two asses come together.
      I come once-a-more! .
      Two asses, they come together again.
      I come again and pee twice.
      Then I come one lasta time.'

      The lady can't take this anymore,
      "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
      She retorted indignantly.

      'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

      'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
      I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '  Mississippi '..

      $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date
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