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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 6891 times)
Im2Sexy4MyPants
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« Reply #400 on: September 24, 2009, 10:15:33 pm »

Man plays with his pet croc


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Are you sick of the bullshit from the sewer stream media spewed out from the usual Ken and Barby dickless talking point look a likes.

If you want to know what's going on in the real world...
And the many things that will personally effect you.
Go to
http://www.infowars.com/

AND WAKE THE F_ _K UP
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #401 on: September 26, 2009, 03:59:35 pm »


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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Justic
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« Reply #402 on: September 27, 2009, 12:25:27 am »

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"Four months vacation and five good leads."
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"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
donquixotenz
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« Reply #403 on: October 10, 2009, 12:56:13 pm »

Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #404 on: October 10, 2009, 12:56:57 pm »

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time...... By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #405 on: October 10, 2009, 12:57:38 pm »

S O M E T I MES


Sometimes....

when you cry.....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain....

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes…

when you are worried…

no one sees your stress.



Sometimes…

when you are happy...

no one sees your smile.



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!



Send this on to your friends -- Make them laugh!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #406 on: October 13, 2009, 01:30:29 am »

v      Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

v      To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

v      The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

v      Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

v      All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

v      Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

v      Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

v      As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

v      If you come early, the boss is late. If you come late?? The boss is in the office and waiting for the REPORTS.

v      Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

v      When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

v      If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

v      The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

v      You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

v      After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

v      Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

v      There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

v      An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

v      Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

v      Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #407 on: October 13, 2009, 01:30:59 am »

'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #408 on: October 13, 2009, 01:31:37 am »

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
 
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
 
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
 
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
 
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
 
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
 
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
 
Mujibar now works at a call center.
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #409 on: October 13, 2009, 01:32:13 am »

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................









You'll like this...............

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #410 on: October 27, 2009, 09:28:04 pm »

A notable gynaecologist once said,

"The  best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #411 on: October 27, 2009, 09:29:20 pm »

Australian Poetry Competition
>>
>> The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a
>> university graduate and an old aboriginal.
>>
>> They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and
>> come
>> up with a poem that contained the word.
>>
>> The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU' First to recite his poem was the
>> university graduate.
>> He stepped up to the microphone and said:
>>
>> Slowly across the desert sand
>> Trekked a lonely caravan
>> Men on camels two by two
>> Destination -Timbuktu
>>
>> The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
>> thought.
>>
>> The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>>
>>
>> Me and Tim a huntin' went
>> Met three whores in a pop up tent
>> They were three, and we was two
>> So I bucked one, andTimbuktu
>>
>> The aboriginal won.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #412 on: October 27, 2009, 09:29:52 pm »

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his Trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.   "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.   "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.   Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
         
Things went downhill from there. 

 

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #413 on: November 21, 2009, 07:25:17 am »

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.


ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.



ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE..



IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 



CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #414 on: December 26, 2009, 12:30:29 am »


Two Woodpeckers...


A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #415 on: May 22, 2010, 09:14:41 am »


The only cow in a small town in  Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in  New Zealand quite

Cheaply.  They brought the cow from  New Zealand and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,"  they said.  "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,  "Did you by chance, buy this cow in  New Zealand .... ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from  New Zealand .

"You are truly a wise Vet,"  they said.  "How did you know we got the cow in  New Zealand .... ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,  "My wife is from New Zealand ..... !"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
Guest
« Reply #416 on: May 22, 2010, 10:03:13 am »



Nice to see you DonQ.   Hope all is good with you.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #417 on: May 28, 2010, 04:53:26 pm »

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Fenelon Falls and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the  hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Peterborough.

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"



v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
 
"No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now."
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #418 on: June 05, 2010, 12:42:29 pm »

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.   She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."


So, Here I am.



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #419 on: June 06, 2010, 02:39:42 am »

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. And since we are reaching that forgetful stage, we need all the reminders we can get!

Don't laugh.....it is all true...
The Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01.. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And Remember:

Never,
under any
circumstances,
take a sleeping pill
and a laxative
on the same night.
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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Having fun in the hills!


« Reply #420 on: June 08, 2010, 02:11:00 am »


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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
donquixotenz
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« Reply #421 on: June 16, 2010, 02:43:13 pm »



I got a new stick deodorant today. 



The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.   


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
nitpicker1
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« Reply #422 on: June 16, 2010, 04:07:50 pm »



 Shocked
I got a new stick deodorant today. 



The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.  


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..


One of my mates has Hemorrhoids. His Doc gave him some huge capsules a while ago. I asked him a while later whether they were helping him. He said  "For all the good they are doing me I might as well have stuck them up my arse." 


Joking apart, and I vouch for the truth of it,  my long deceased ex-FIL had the same complaint.  Nothing seemed to help so eventually he tried an old home cure that someone told him about: Put an old boot in a bucket, set fire to it and sit on the bucket for a couple of hours.

The boot didn't want to burn, so he soaked it in diesel  ......

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"Life might not be the party you were expecting, but you're here now, so you may as well get up and dance"
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #423 on: June 23, 2010, 11:14:50 pm »

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in 
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after 
moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome 
the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the 
drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing 
about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he 
decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. 

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock 
on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man 
urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another 
day. 
 
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, 
he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and 
then put his head next to the bull's bum. 

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and 
says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come 
over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the ! 
yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking 
it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it 
could just about shit on you.' 

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, 
these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.' 

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian 
customs.' 

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He 
say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and 
listen to bull-shit'   
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nitpicker1
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« Reply #424 on: August 11, 2010, 09:13:18 pm »


The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say Polish Remover




 
 

 
 




 






 
 










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"Life might not be the party you were expecting, but you're here now, so you may as well get up and dance"

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