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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7725 times)
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #375 on: September 01, 2009, 04:42:31 pm »


I don't know how they wrote this with a straightface. This was a real
memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer  peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was  quite genuine. The engineers
rolled on the floor!

This was an actual IBM Memo

MEMO
To: Field Personnel
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each   person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer.
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #376 on: September 01, 2009, 04:49:31 pm »

What does a Muslim Pussy look like?




         

           



                   



                               
















Oh, come on!  What the hell were you thinking??
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #377 on: September 02, 2009, 06:36:23 am »

A CURE FOR SNORING


Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so
badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole
Time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning
With his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes
Are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof.. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

'Wonderful morning,' he says cheerfully.

His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'
 

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #378 on: September 02, 2009, 09:07:10 pm »





Jesus and the Burglar


 

 A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

 

 He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

 saying 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

 

 When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard:

'Jesus is watching you.'

 

 Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically.

 

 Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked,

 

 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

 

 The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

 'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

 

 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

 'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.

 
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #379 on: September 03, 2009, 05:40:42 am »

 Smiley Smiley
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #380 on: September 03, 2009, 05:46:40 am »



This is gold.. Hope you get a laugh.
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy......it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #381 on: September 03, 2009, 10:33:53 am »

Volunteering for Retirement


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
 

 
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
 
 
 
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip
 
of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000..
 
 
 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
 
 
 
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
 
 
 
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
 
 
 
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #382 on: September 03, 2009, 10:38:46 am »

The priest decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

 He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'


Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.


Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing





         



                   










'MEMORIES.'

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #383 on: September 04, 2009, 06:18:12 am »

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

 

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

 

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

 

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

 

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

 

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma !'

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #384 on: September 04, 2009, 04:17:29 pm »

Naked Cowboy

 


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #385 on: September 04, 2009, 04:59:57 pm »

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE]


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'



The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'



The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'



'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'



The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'



The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #386 on: September 05, 2009, 07:37:38 am »

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read

 "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,


"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #387 on: September 06, 2009, 09:19:00 am »

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.

DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!


 

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN

SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

               

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

       

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

               

3) Add 3

               

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)

               

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit

number.....

               

6 ) Add the digits together

               

Now Scroll down

..................

               

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

               

1. Einstein

 2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4.  Ronald Reagan

5.  Bill Gates

6.     Gandhi

7.  Brad Pitt

8.  Babe Ruth

9.  DONQUIXOTENZ

10 David Niven

I know.... ..I just have that effect on people.....one day you, too, can be like me.....Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
pantherrr0
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« Reply #388 on: September 06, 2009, 09:21:32 am »

=(  theres no one for 10.5
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #389 on: September 17, 2009, 02:59:13 pm »

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. 

 

The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat..

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #390 on: September 17, 2009, 03:01:12 pm »

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.  He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick .....
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #391 on: September 17, 2009, 11:13:39 pm »

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an  Island . If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age Cool

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

Cool - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got  pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers at night. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age Cool

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.  What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7).
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #392 on: September 18, 2009, 09:14:49 pm »

WHILE SHOPPING IN A FOOD STORE, TWO NUNS HAPPEN TO PASS BY THE BEER COOLER.
ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE
WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING."

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, AS I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM", SHE REPLIED AS SHE PICKED UP A
SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH
A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "A SHAMPOO, IF YOU WILL."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A
PACKAGE OF PRETZELS STICKS AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN
LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED AND SAID," THE CURLERS ARE ON
THE HOUSE."
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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #393 on: September 22, 2009, 06:02:59 pm »

Three rugby fans - a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan were all walking home after
watching a game at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.

The Springbok fan couldn't bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and
took off his Sprinbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.

Not to be outdone the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast.

Similarly, the Australian fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by them.

They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down
some notes.

He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.

Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area.

The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes.

He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.

For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking  there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan.

The officer replied ..................................





"It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"   
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Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #394 on: September 22, 2009, 06:25:54 pm »


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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #395 on: September 23, 2009, 12:28:11 pm »


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If you aren't living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space! 
donquixotenz
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« Reply #396 on: September 24, 2009, 02:40:05 pm »

On a snowy, cold Monday morning, a man and woman's cars skid into each other in a head on collision.  It's a bad one.  Both cars are crumpled beyond recognition but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.  Still dazed, both crawl out of the wreckage and, in shock, the man immediately launches into a threnody against women drivers.  The woman says, 'But think of it, both our cars are demolished but God spared us - we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault - women shouldn't be allowed to drive...' The woman continues, 'And look, here's another miracle.  My car is a write off but this bottle of wine didn't even break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man.  Still muttering about women drivers, the man opens it and drinks half before handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and puts it down.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No.  I think I'll just wait for the police...
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #397 on: September 24, 2009, 02:40:43 pm »

A man walked into the produce section of a London Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. 
The man was insistent he be sold half a head and that the boy ask the department manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." 
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly
added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man happily went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who can think on their feet hereat Tesco’s. Where are you from, son?"

" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing there but whores and rugby players."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #398 on: September 24, 2009, 02:41:40 pm »

oe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
Things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Im2Sexy4MyPants
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« Reply #399 on: September 24, 2009, 08:08:43 pm »


 Grin
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Are you sick of the bullshit from the sewer stream media spewed out from the usual Ken and Barby dickless talking point look a likes.

If you want to know what's going on in the real world...
And the many things that will personally effect you.
Go to
http://www.infowars.com/

AND WAKE THE F_ _K UP

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