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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 6891 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #350 on: August 11, 2009, 07:47:55 pm »

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #351 on: August 14, 2009, 08:10:19 am »

Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
 
 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 

 
Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But that's just what I did, mommy."
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #352 on: August 15, 2009, 05:45:31 pm »

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of
Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st
December 2009 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #353 on: August 20, 2009, 08:57:15 pm »

 LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS 




A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Harry.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #354 on: August 20, 2009, 09:28:41 pm »

  A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic       
  garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while
  a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.                                                                                                                         
  Noticing this, a  policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
  falling out of that bag."                                                                                                                               
  "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if
  I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."                                                                                                           
  Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You
  didn't steal it, did you?"                                                                                                                                 
  "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the   
  football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee         
  through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to     
  really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not     
  make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the   
  knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.                                                                                                               
  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab     
  hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'                                                                                         
  "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by   
  the way, what's in the other bag?"                                             
                                                                                 
  "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #355 on: August 21, 2009, 11:00:32 am »

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH  (Part 2)





Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the f*'kin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Harry.

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #356 on: August 22, 2009, 09:22:58 am »

LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH





Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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Posts: 19338



« Reply #357 on: August 22, 2009, 09:18:03 pm »

A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.





The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'





The customer says, 'Female.'





The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'





The customer replies, 'White.'





The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'





The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'





The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #358 on: August 23, 2009, 10:38:50 am »

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR





Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a p*'s!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOU 'RE  AN EIGHT, but  if you had bigger t**s, you'd be a TEN


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #359 on: August 26, 2009, 12:32:51 am »

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
Her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
Extra curricular activities, but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
Accused Frank, a new member, of being an
Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
Parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank

(and several others)

That every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words,
Stared at her for a moment and
Just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
In front of Mildred's house ....
Walked home


.. . .and left it there all night!!!


(You gotta love Frank!)

 
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Shef
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« Reply #360 on: August 26, 2009, 12:55:16 am »

 Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Brownie55
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


« Reply #361 on: August 26, 2009, 02:03:44 am »

Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith...

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 
               

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
 

 

 

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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #362 on: August 26, 2009, 02:35:54 am »

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...
Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain From sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal
Thoughts.

 One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her
right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this Means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head,










'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #363 on: August 26, 2009, 12:30:00 pm »

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fu*'in' beautiful'.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #364 on: August 27, 2009, 08:21:16 am »

LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER





Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fu*'in' business.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Justic
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« Reply #365 on: August 27, 2009, 02:14:52 pm »

A man is in bed and reaches over to his wife.He starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her side and legs.He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife gasps "Why have you stopped?" he replies "I've found the remote, go back to sleep!"
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"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Justic
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« Reply #366 on: August 27, 2009, 02:17:22 pm »

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
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Sir Blodsnogger
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« Reply #367 on: August 27, 2009, 11:59:30 pm »

The sign on the shop front said 'Talking Dog for Sale'. Bruce was intrigued he went right in and walked up to the shop keeper and said 'do you really have a talking dog?
'Yes' said the dog 'I am over here under the meat counter.'

As you can imagine Bruce was absolutely speechless when he peeked over and saw the black Labrador looking at him. The dog proceeded to tell him about the brave deeds he had performed when working for Interpol and the police undercover drug unit. He heard how the dog had rescued a whole herd of dragon boat racers from drowning by towing them on a long rope through the water. Bruce was also  astounded when he heard how the dog boasted about single handedly over powering a room full of brawling seamen.

'How much is the dog' asked Bruce. He was expecting it to be a very high price.
The owner replied that he wanted five dollars for the dog.

Bruce could not believe his luck then he wanted to know why only five bucks for a talking dog.
'The dogs does nothing but tell lies.'
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #368 on: August 28, 2009, 09:49:51 am »

The 1st Affair

A  married man was having an affair

with  his secretary. 

One day they went to her place

and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up  at 8  PM ..

The man  hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes 

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put  on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife  demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm  having an affair with my secretary..

We had sex all  afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!' 


The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters   

but always talked about having a son.   

They decided to try one last time

for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant 

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful  father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever  seen.

He told his wife:  'There's no way I can 

be the father of this baby.   

Look   at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered! 

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?' 

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this  time!'
 


The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz,

about  to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.

Schwartz  had the largest  private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr.  Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be  cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It  must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, 

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home     

'I  have something to show 

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his  briefcase.

'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,   

'Schwartz is dead!



The   4th Affair

A   woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,'  she said, 'stand in the corner.'         

She  rubbed baby  oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't  move until I tell you,'

she said,  'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's  this?' the husband  inquired   

as he entered the room.

'Oh  it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I  liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was  said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM  the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned 

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the  statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The   5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to  the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one  cent.'

'One  Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy  steak   

and a bottle of wine?'

'A   nickel,' the barman  replied.

'A  nickel?'  exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The  bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my  wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with  your wife?'

The  bartender replied:

'The   same thing I'm doing

to his business down here..' 



The  6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly:     

'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he  insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your  sister, your best friend,     

her best  friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 

'now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #369 on: August 29, 2009, 08:55:50 am »

Today's chuckle from me which ought to make you feel better about

your computer skills!

 

 Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have? 

Customer:    A  white one... 
 

  ============ === 

 

Customer:    Hi,  this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support:   Have you tried pushing  the Button?

Customer:    Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech  support:    That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer:    No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's

still on my desk... sorry... 

 

  ============ === 

 

Tech  support:    Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of

the screen. Customer:   Your left or my left? 

 

    ============ === 

 

Tech  support:    Good  day. How may I help you?

Male  customer:    Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on  'start'  for me and....

Customer:   Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not

Bill Gates.

 

============ ===

 

Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every

time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the

printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still

says he can't find it.

 

    ============ ==

 

Customer:   I have  problems printing in red..

Tech  support:    Do you have a color printer?

Customer:    Aaaah........ ......... .....thank you.

 

    ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

 

      ============ ===

 

Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore.

Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer.

Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: !   OK

Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you?

Customer:  Yes

Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. Is there

another keyboard? Customer:   Yes, there's another one here. Ah… that

one does work. 

 

    ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    Your password is the small letter 'a' as in  apple,

a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer:   Is that 7

in capital  letters ?

 

   ============ === 

Customer:   I can't get on the  Internet.

Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my  colleague do it.

Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer:   Five dots. 

 

   ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use?

Customer:   Netscape.

Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

 

    ============ ===

 

Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen

saver on my computer, but every time I  move the mouse, it disappears.

 

   ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    How may I help you?

Customer:   I'm writing my first  email.

Tech  support:    OK,  and what seems to be the problem?

Customer:   Well, I have  the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I

get the little circle around it? 

 

    ============ ===

 

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a  problem with her

printer. Tech  support:   Are you running it under windows? Customer:

 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man

sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer

is working fine.' 

    ============ ===

 

And last  but not least....

 

 

Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at

the same time. That brings up a task list  in the middle of the

screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'

Customer:   I don't have a P. Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:   What do you mean? Tech support:   'P'.....on  your

keyboard, Bob. Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO  THAT!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #370 on: August 30, 2009, 06:07:31 pm »

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didnt't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!


 
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.


 
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music .

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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Posts: 1407



« Reply #371 on: August 30, 2009, 11:53:01 pm »

What do Tongans call a dog with a waggy tail?




A happy Meal Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #372 on: August 31, 2009, 10:32:20 am »

Four Catholic men and a Sardar were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the Sardar was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #373 on: August 31, 2009, 12:07:40 pm »


<object class="playerpreview" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="http://www.smfseo.net/2/videos/player_flv_maxi.swf" width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.smfseo.net/2/videos/player_flv_maxi.swf" /> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /> <param name="FlashVars" value="flv=http://i589.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/Gags01.flv&amp;width=425&amp;height=350&amp;showfullscreen=1;showstop=1&amp;showvolume=1&amp;showtime=1&amp;bgcolor1=000000&amp;bgcolor2=000000&amp;playercolor=000000" /> </object>
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 12:21:26 pm by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #374 on: September 01, 2009, 10:52:03 am »

Subject: What beats a princess?


 A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an

obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good

mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,

 he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big

scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your

trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he

 noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a

muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute

 engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the

 main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned

  her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I

  take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant

   replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country

   I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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