Xtra News Community 2
March 29, 2024, 10:15:43 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to Xtra News Community 2 — please also join our XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP.
 
  Home Help Arcade Gallery Links BITEBACK! XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP Staff List Login Register  

A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away

Pages: 1 ... 7 8 9 10 11 [12] 13 14 15 16 17 ... 21   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 14104 times)
0 Members and 7 Guests are viewing this topic.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #275 on: June 06, 2009, 08:12:33 am »

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
 middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be
put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem  to
 have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now  sir you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #276 on: June 07, 2009, 08:30:59 am »

... An interesting fact

Manure:? In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it  was a golf term !
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #277 on: June 09, 2009, 06:07:06 am »

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
 after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
 
 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
 I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
 I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
 I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
 I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
 when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
 give me a hard time about it.
 Those are my rules. Any comments?"
 
 His new bride said:
 "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
 here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
 
 (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
 
 ************ ************************************
 
Marriage (Part II)

 
 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
 The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
 that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
 that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
 
 (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

 
*****************************************
 
Marriage (Part III)

 
 Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
 good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
 
 After some time he realizes he was nasty and
 decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says

 
"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
 
 She says, "I was in bed."
 
 "In bed this early, doing what?"
 
 "Getting a second opinion!"
 
 (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
 
 *****************************************
 
Marriage (Part IV)

 
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
 wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
 
 One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it IS time to go home and

wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
 
 His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
 shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
 
 (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
 
 *****************************************
 
THE SILENT TREATMENT

 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
 and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
 to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
 of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
 was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
 
 Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
 noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
 is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #278 on: June 09, 2009, 02:15:13 pm »



Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

 
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.   

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

 
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

 
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"


One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. 

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

 
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

 
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

 
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. 


Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

 
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #279 on: June 10, 2009, 07:56:28 am »

Dear wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
relaxed1
Bloody-Good Member
*
Posts: 251



« Reply #280 on: June 11, 2009, 05:49:42 am »

Potentially And Realistically..............

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,and ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me
what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "! Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could
buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

Report Spam   Logged

I know how i am and your approval isn't needed
relaxed1
Bloody-Good Member
*
Posts: 251



« Reply #281 on: June 11, 2009, 06:01:06 am »

Just the other day while i was making dinner "friends " were on tv and the word "lesbian" comes up my grandaughter of 6 asks

Nana what does lesbian mean...damn i scrambled for something to say...hmmm i thinks it's a French word...i quickly went to my hubby and told him and asked him what he would say...he pondered for a sec and with all his mighty wisdom said...I would of said it means good friends...hmmm My son pipes in and says i can see it now Laela walks into her class room with her best friend Trinity and tells the teacher the Trinity is the best lesbian ever...lmao so French it is!!
Report Spam   Logged

I know how i am and your approval isn't needed
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #282 on: June 11, 2009, 09:41:10 am »

 Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .


"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


ALL the other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


"Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!"
"Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!" 
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #283 on: June 13, 2009, 09:03:13 am »

>A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so
he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied
while he was gone.
>
>He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---"  and
he stopped..
>
>
>"Except what?" the man asked.
>
>
>"Nothing, nothing."
>
>"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
>
>"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
Penis."
>
>"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
>
>The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and
there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
>
>The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"
>
>The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
>
>The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
>
>Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
>
>The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet
once more.
>
>"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>
>The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
>
>After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
>
>
>The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
>
>After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her,still thrusting.
>
>She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
>
>Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
>
>She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
>
>A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
>Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink,
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch
and it won't stop screwing me!"
>
>The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right..........  Voodoo Penis, my ass."
>
>
>The rest is history....

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #284 on: June 14, 2009, 08:03:16 am »

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
guest49
Guest
« Reply #285 on: June 14, 2009, 08:29:54 am »

Quote
Voodoo Penis, my ass."
>
>
>The rest is history....

I have this picture of his donkey braying and frantically running across the country...........
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #286 on: June 15, 2009, 08:28:32 am »

BILL 'EM: DEAD OR ALIVE

A reader writes: "This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die -- just in case."

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, and now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number given)

After the fax was received:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Some urban myths are too good to believe but deserve to be spread.




Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #287 on: June 17, 2009, 08:19:42 am »

God Bless Elderly Ladies!
   



Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit..! Am I driving..?"

.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #288 on: June 19, 2009, 06:30:23 pm »

AMAZING AND SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
4. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

daily thought:
some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

 



 
 
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #289 on: June 20, 2009, 07:50:47 am »

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,
he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 

 He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #290 on: June 21, 2009, 01:34:08 am »

I cnt remember if this has been posted before 
you have to click the icon on the left and it will ask you if you want to download and you can either open it or sve it..

http://cid-6989c1ca6ad7f69f.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/.Public/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.mpeg
« Last Edit: June 21, 2009, 02:11:20 pm by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
Guest
« Reply #291 on: June 21, 2009, 06:14:36 am »

The link isn't working properly DonQ. 
Report Spam   Logged
Justic
Global Moderator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1844



« Reply #292 on: June 21, 2009, 01:40:21 pm »

Talking about elderly ladies....

A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse entrance.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door.
"I want to join your club," she says.
Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she needs to meet certain requirements to be part of their gang.
"Do you have a motorcycle?" he says.
"Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there."
Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway.
"Do you drink?" he continues.
"Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in you club under the table."
"Do you smoke?" "Smoke?" she hoots.
"Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney. In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints, and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table."
"Wow," says the biker, impressed.
"You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Nope" says the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few times."
Report Spam   Logged

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Justic
Global Moderator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1844



« Reply #293 on: June 21, 2009, 01:45:08 pm »

Martha aged 80 lost her husband. She had him cremated took his ashes home and poured them out on the patio table. Tracing her fingers through them she spoke to him. Bob, remember the dishwasher you promised me, I bought it with your insurance money, the car you promised me, I bought that, and the diamond ring, bought that too. Remember the blow job I promised you ?....Well here it comes !!!!
Report Spam   Logged

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Magoo
Guest
« Reply #294 on: June 21, 2009, 02:12:35 pm »

 
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #295 on: June 21, 2009, 02:13:38 pm »

TRY THIS.

you have to click the icon on the left and it will ask you if you want to download and you can either open it or sve it..

http://cid-6989c1ca6ad7f69f.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/.Public/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.mpeg
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
Guest
« Reply #296 on: June 21, 2009, 02:20:25 pm »

  You have given me bad ideas DonQ  Grin 
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #297 on: June 23, 2009, 07:37:52 am »

THE VICAR'S SALARY

 

 

 

 

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Ian Follings, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #298 on: June 23, 2009, 11:23:21 am »

RING RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG



**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

 


**After a brief pause,**



**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


 



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**




 



Brief Pause.

 


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

 



**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

 



**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

 



**'I did it, Daddy.'**


 **'And what happened, honey?' **

 

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

 



**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

 



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

 



**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it..**

 


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****

 




*****Longer Pause*****




 

*****Even Longer Pause*****



 



**Then Daddy says,**

 



**'Swimming pool?  ...........**

 



**Is this 486-5731?'*







 

**No, I think you have the wrong number

Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #299 on: June 24, 2009, 07:49:02 am »


>
>>>A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to  spend the night with
>>>her for $500.
>>>
>>>They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
>>>not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
>>>cheque and mail it to her,  calling the payment
>>>
>>>     "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
>>>
>>>
>>>On the way to the office, he regretted what he  had done, realizing
>>>that the whole event had not  been worth the price. So he had his
>>>secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed
>>>note:
>>>
>>>
>>>"Dear Madam:
>>>
>>>Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of  your apartment. I am not
>>>sending the amount agreed  upon, because when I rented the place, I was
>>
>>>under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied;  #2 - there
>>
>>>was plenty of heat; and  #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy
>>>and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously
>>>occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too
>>>large."
>>>
>>>Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
>>>for $250 with the following  note:
>>>
>>>
>>>" Dear Sir:
>>>
>>>     #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
>>> apartment to remain
>>>     unoccupied indefinitely.. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty
>>> of it, if  you
>>>     know how to turn it on.. #3 - Regarding the space, the
>>> apartment is indeed of
>>>     regular size, but if you don't have enough  furniture to fill
>>> it, please do
>>>     not blame the  management. So, Please send the rent in full or
>>> we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
>>>
>>>Getting the note, the businessman hurriedly paid the full amount.
>>

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

Pages: 1 ... 7 8 9 10 11 [12] 13 14 15 16 17 ... 21   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Open XNC2 Smileys
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum


Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy
Page created in 0.059 seconds with 14 queries.