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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 6891 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2009, 09:00:02 am »

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices
is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen
in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise,
and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr ?"

"Pistachios ?

They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" the tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks,"Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons ?"

"Almonds ?

They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! Tas pensive," replied the tongue-tied man.

"Welp, how bout your pikanns ?"

"Pecans ?

They're on sale today.

They're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit.

Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"Alright then ,"says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay
tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile.

"Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that.

I don't make fun of anybody, for anything!

I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze ?



I tought dat wuz your dick since your nutz arr so damn high."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2009, 08:53:23 am »

A husband walks into "Victoria's Secret " store to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from> $250 to $500 inprice, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He neverheard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2009, 09:25:37 am »

At the National Art Gallery in New York husband and wife were staring at
a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African Americans in the predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression by gay men
in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he
replied.

"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Welsh coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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Lovelee
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« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2009, 08:59:59 pm »

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.




He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.


Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,


Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,


Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1.00 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9..00 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2009, 08:42:53 am »

'The Toast'


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer... and said
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said."

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me,and I was a bit surprised meself.

You know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years.


Once he fell asleep,
and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2009, 08:56:45 am »

« Last Edit: February 13, 2009, 09:01:38 am by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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Posts: 19338



« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2009, 07:32:27 pm »

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #32 on: February 14, 2009, 08:36:03 am »

Handy Cleaning Tips:   

Dirt Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against the harmful and aging rays of the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.

Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean. Works every time. Cinnamon or other food scented candles that are burning also make it smell like you have been cooking.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2009, 09:10:42 am »

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Must read out loud



Are you habouring a fugitive...................Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP....................................Cum Hai

Stupid man.......................................Dum Fuk

Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan

Small Pony.......................................Ti Ne Po Ni

I Bumped the coffee table ................... I Bang Mi Fa Kin ni

I think you need a face lift ...................Chin Tu Fat

its very dark in here ...........................Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a deit .................Wai Yu Kum Chin

This is a tow away zone........................No Pa Kin

Our meeting is schudeled for next week.....Wi Yu Cum Nao

Staying out of sight .............................Lei Ying Lo

Hes cleaning his automobile....................Wa Shing Ka

Your body oder is offensive....................Stin Ki Pu

Great..............................................Fu Kin Su Pah
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2009, 09:20:15 am »

G W Bushisims



'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush



'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W.. Bush



'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush



'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush



'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush



'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush



'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush



'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
Guest
« Reply #35 on: February 15, 2009, 09:28:19 am »

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.


This is the trick our company accounts lady uses to fool our anally retentive boss.  Boss has a bad habit of sweating the small stuff, causing havoc for the rest of us who are trying to get the big issues sorted. 

It's hilarious to watch the boss come in, sniff the air suspiciously, and try and find dust (the building is over 100 years old and doesn't have a ceiling other than the sky-lit roof proper), so of course there is dust, not to mention sand from the grout breaking down in the brickwork.  But she dare not complain because she can smell the cleaner and the obvious client based rooms are dustfree(ish).
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2009, 11:49:00 pm »

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
New Zealand, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to
build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and
40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in
his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to RMA for a decision.

Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
Kiwi.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood
to save the Kiwis. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRD seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2009, 08:17:16 am »

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards"
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!"

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
sickofpollies
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« Reply #38 on: February 16, 2009, 08:54:54 am »

Quote
G W Bushisims

While very funny, most of those quotes actually belong to another politician, Dan Quayle, and not Bush.
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Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus
donquixotenz
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« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2009, 06:46:47 pm »

Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #40 on: February 17, 2009, 08:46:08 am »

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #41 on: February 17, 2009, 07:23:44 pm »



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #42 on: February 18, 2009, 08:35:14 am »

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #43 on: February 18, 2009, 08:37:07 am »

 Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
 
"So, how is everything going?" enquired God.
 
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and Sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.   
 
It is these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.
 
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
 
"That is a fair point," replied God,   
"But it was my first shot at  this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will Fix it up right away."
 
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
 
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
 
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
 
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.   All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
 
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
 
Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
 
 
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Calliope
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If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #44 on: February 18, 2009, 01:20:05 pm »

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Brownie55
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?


« Reply #45 on: February 18, 2009, 10:09:02 pm »

A Wee Scottish Tale.


 


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a  Highland burn. 

A  Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae  drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The  man replies,
'My  Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper  replies,

'I  said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
 
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I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #46 on: February 18, 2009, 11:36:30 pm »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #47 on: February 19, 2009, 06:26:54 am »

Chicken Joke
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his testicles, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." At, this the Scotsman said, "Aye Lad, maybe you should just keep the wee egg."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #48 on: February 19, 2009, 06:28:15 am »

Bagpipe Humour
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end--it would be a good idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
+----------------------------------+
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it... , but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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« Reply #49 on: February 19, 2009, 06:31:53 am »

 Grin
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Lets kill all the warmongers.

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