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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7524 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #200 on: April 12, 2009, 08:50:46 pm »

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #201 on: April 13, 2009, 07:57:53 am »

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #202 on: April 13, 2009, 08:41:13 am »

 Grin Grin Grin
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #203 on: April 13, 2009, 09:18:12 pm »

TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:   
10. I need to whip it out by 5.   
9. Mind if I use your laptop?   
8. Just stick it in my box.   
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!   
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits   there! 

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:   

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.   
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.   
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.   
7. Look at the size of his putter.   
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.   
5. Mind if I join your threesome?   
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.   
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be   desired.

1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.



TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.   
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!   
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?   
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #204 on: April 14, 2009, 07:53:50 am »

Subject: Wisdom 
 
 
Q:  What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A:  Shoot him again.

Q:  How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A:  When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q:  Why do little boys whine?
A:  Because they are practicing to be men.

Q:  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q:  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A:  Trustworthy.

Q:  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A:  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q:  Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A:  Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q:  Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after Mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q:  Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A:  Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q:  What is the difference between men and women?
A:  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q:  How does a man keep his youth?
A:  By giving her money and diamonds.

Q:  How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A:  Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #205 on: April 14, 2009, 08:50:40 am »

 Grin   
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DazzaMc
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« Reply #206 on: April 14, 2009, 10:06:41 am »

Lol... Good one!
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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #207 on: April 14, 2009, 09:41:52 pm »

Subject: Dressing up
 
 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #208 on: April 15, 2009, 09:06:24 am »

And the most NZ thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in NZ can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in NZ do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their panadol, lemsip etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in NZ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in  NZ do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in NZ do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in NZ do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in NZ are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #209 on: April 16, 2009, 09:58:30 am »

NOT TO MENTION...

1    New Zealander dies each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue..

42 New Zealanders were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

22 New Zealanders are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

5   New Zealanders have died since 1994 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

New Zealand Hospitals reported 2 broken or dislocated arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.   

Around 50 New Zealanders are burnt each year ironing their clothes while still wearing them

9 New Zealanders had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new top with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 143 New Zealanders were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth

And finally...

In 2003---14 New Zealanders were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
 

     



     
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #210 on: April 16, 2009, 09:05:21 pm »

"Being a New Zealander is about driving in a European car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, whilst travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows, on a Japanese TV, through a Chinese Sky decoder.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #211 on: April 17, 2009, 09:14:47 am »

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
     and
It's all organized by the Swiss..

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
     and
It's all organized by the Italians.
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #212 on: April 17, 2009, 09:28:36 am »

 Grin Grin Thanks for keeping it real DQ
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #213 on: April 17, 2009, 09:13:31 pm »

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years. 
 

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
 

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
 
 
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
 

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
   

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
 

Dyslexics Have More Nuff
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #214 on: April 17, 2009, 10:25:16 pm »

 Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #215 on: April 18, 2009, 09:56:49 am »

No matter what Moshe did in bed his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.

The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:

'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #216 on: April 19, 2009, 09:38:35 am »

Cant remember whether this has been posted before but is funny enough to be repeated.   



in  a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
 A  nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of  the buttons on the wall.
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
        Each  button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who  would know if he touched them?   
 He  couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What  a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

 Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm
 water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP  button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of
 spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was  more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be  supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened" he asked''







You pushed the ATR button.








which was the automatic











 Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

   
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #217 on: April 20, 2009, 08:53:23 am »

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he

doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on

the kerb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver 'Would you please take

your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive

at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to

work that morning.


'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the

airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but

the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear

God, I'm gonna lose my licence,' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing 105mph.


'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.


The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'Governor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Damn me,' said the Chief, 'just who the hell is that big?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f*########*g Pope as a chauffeur!'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #218 on: April 21, 2009, 09:31:10 am »

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"

Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............

No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #219 on: April 21, 2009, 11:00:02 am »

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #220 on: April 22, 2009, 10:00:21 am »

local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal! 


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
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« Reply #221 on: April 22, 2009, 10:51:15 am »

 Grin
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #222 on: April 23, 2009, 09:55:51 am »

One day little Johnny was in class when the teacher let go of a ripper of a fart.

She then turns around and blames it on Johnny and says, "Johnny stop that!"

Johnny then jumps onto his desk and says, "Which way did it go?"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #223 on: April 23, 2009, 07:00:59 pm »

Samoan words of the day (just say this outloud when your reading it, it makes more sense that way)

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8... *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one piece left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
har-ass-ment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #224 on: April 23, 2009, 07:02:56 pm »

 Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

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