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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7789 times)
donquixotenz
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« Reply #175 on: April 03, 2009, 01:37:33 pm »

Young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe,
Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two dollars in 10 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
home  to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she  had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this,' said the bank  cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier. 'Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment  and
said...
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Bunning's deliver the f*cking  frames
 and it doesn't piss down with rain .'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #176 on: April 03, 2009, 06:43:26 pm »

 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
 The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
 The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'
 The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
 The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
 The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #177 on: April 04, 2009, 04:28:38 pm »

A young lass went to winz with her newborn to apply for the dpb. The gentleman caseworker took down all her details, fairly straightforwardly until it came to the question of paternity. The young girl explained that the only night she could have fallen pregnant was when she attended a party. She told the caseworker, "it was dark, the man came up behind me, took advantage of the fact that I had had too much to drink, and had his way with me. I didn't see his face, nor did I hear him say a word".
So the disappointed caseworker states, "So you have no idea who he was?"
She answered, "well, I think he may have been one of the top order batsmen from the Black Caps"
He looked at her, puzzled and said "Ok, you didn't see his face, you didn't hear him speak - what makes you think he was a Black Caps batsman?"
She replied........
















............"He didn't stay in long"
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #178 on: April 05, 2009, 08:59:20 am »

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
 His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #179 on: April 06, 2009, 06:33:12 am »

Catholic Dog

 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company..  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'
 Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not;  we cannot have services for an animal in the church..  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
 Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
 Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #180 on: April 07, 2009, 07:42:32 am »

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.  'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS.  Can you help us?'
'I can!'
 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 'I do!'
 'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 'He will.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #181 on: April 07, 2009, 04:14:12 pm »

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues:
 Man:  'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 Priest:  'Are you sorry for your sins?'
  Man:  'What sins?'
 Priest:  'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 Man:  'I'm Jewish.'
 Priest:  'Why are you telling me all this?'
 Man:  'I'm 92 years old ....  I'm telling everybody!'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #182 on: April 08, 2009, 07:26:11 am »

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. 

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
 
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder

in Australia and here I am in Dublin ..  When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
 
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
 
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way

... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. 

 One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.   

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
 
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."
 
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!  ‘Tis me .... I've quit drinking!"
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
DazzaMc
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« Reply #183 on: April 08, 2009, 07:45:59 am »

Lol.. this thread has become a part of my morning routine - I always look forward to Don waking up and posting a new one.

Thanks Don - great job!!!

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #184 on: April 08, 2009, 08:15:18 am »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Calliope
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If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #185 on: April 08, 2009, 09:58:45 am »

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #186 on: April 08, 2009, 08:05:39 pm »

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1.. He called everyone brother

2.. He liked Gospel

3.. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2.. He lived at home until he was 33

3.. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother

was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #187 on: April 08, 2009, 08:47:58 pm »

   
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #188 on: April 09, 2009, 08:07:40 am »

Brothel Trip 

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 '90!' replies the woman.  'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.  'How much do I owe you?'


 
  Senility

 An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.  'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
DazzaMc
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« Reply #189 on: April 09, 2009, 08:40:45 am »

Brothel Trip 

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 '90!' replies the woman.  'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.  'How much do I owe you?'


PMSL!!!


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Lovelee
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« Reply #190 on: April 09, 2009, 08:41:41 am »

hahahaha NICE
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #191 on: April 09, 2009, 05:19:22 pm »

Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #192 on: April 09, 2009, 05:28:32 pm »

Something corny and cheesy for Easter.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to  Orlando  , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA  from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read

'$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in  Atlanta  . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in  Orlando  and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan ,  Australia ,
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to  New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone.
He arrived in Wellington  and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone,

But this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same

Golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call'.       


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« Reply #193 on: April 09, 2009, 06:14:42 pm »

Cannot remember if I‘ve sent this out before
 
 

   

    I was recently diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder
   
    This is how it manifests:
   
    I decide to water my flower tubs in the front garden.
   
    As I go to turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing..
   
    I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice the mail on
the porch table..
   
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
   
    I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under
the table, and notice that the bin is full.
   
    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
rubbish first.
   
    But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.
   
    I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one
cheque left.
   
    My other cheque book is in the computer desk, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
   
    I'm going to look for my other cheque book, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
   
    The Coke is getting warm so I decide to put it in the fridge to keep
it cold.
   
    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
window ledge catches my eye -they need water.
   
    I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
   
    I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm
going to water the flowers.
   
    I put the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container
with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. I must have left it on the
kitchen table.
   
    I realise that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
   
    I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
   
    So, I set the remote back on the table, get a towel and wipe up the
spill.
   
    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
   
    At the end of the day:
   
    The flower tubs aren't watered;
   
    The car isn't washed;
   
    The bills aren't paid;
   
    There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
   
    The flowers in the vase don't have enough water;
   
    There is still only one cheque in my cheque book;
   
    I can't find the remote;
   
    I can't find my glasses;
   
    I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
   
    Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
   
    I realise this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
   
    Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone I know, because I
don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #194 on: April 10, 2009, 07:00:45 am »

MANAGEMENT 101
READ & LEARN!





Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand

up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there...



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #195 on: April 10, 2009, 07:45:38 pm »

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #196 on: April 11, 2009, 07:01:10 am »

Walking On Course
==================

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
 
 
 
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #197 on: April 11, 2009, 01:17:51 pm »

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.''

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Jphnny instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed. Johnny has put so much thought into this. 'Well Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #198 on: April 11, 2009, 10:17:11 pm »

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #199 on: April 12, 2009, 06:58:51 am »

Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
 

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s'.. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away.. God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others.'

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.   


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will
save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.


'Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching.

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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