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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7710 times)
DazzaMc
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« Reply #150 on: March 24, 2009, 06:43:38 am »

lol!!
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #151 on: March 24, 2009, 07:05:16 pm »

dont mess with old people

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE SO FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, 'is someone in your house?' and he said 'no' they they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said 'Okay' and hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

'Hello, again, I just call you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within 5 minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available.'

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #152 on: March 25, 2009, 07:24:29 am »

 :wt Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.




One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.




As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'




As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!  :mc
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
gladys2
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« Reply #153 on: March 25, 2009, 12:17:16 pm »

Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now donít be silly dear, you know that this car doesnít have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Canít you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, canít you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that youíre not wearing your seat belt, sir. Thatís an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didnít have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youíre driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

And she says ...

...wait for it ...

"Only when he's been drinking."

 

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #154 on: March 26, 2009, 07:37:20 am »

 :hrts
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #155 on: March 26, 2009, 07:39:43 am »

An endearing characteristic of Australians is that they're far more direct and outspoken than most New Zealanders when dealing with the sort of elected cretin who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such communication.....



From: ozzie
To:
Sent: Monday, March 17, 2008 2:52 PM
Subject: FW:

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last six passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also....would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f * cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SH * T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p * ssed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh * t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f * cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing..... look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh * t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f * cken copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo....... that'd be too f * cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f * cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w * nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo....the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ......you f * cking morons


Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know...... someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F * CKING PAKISTAN!!!........a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.' For f * cks sake - are you all f * cking idiots

I'm done with this country it's easier to get into, than it is to get out of!
I'm staying home and hopefully my son and granddaughter won't have as much trouble trying to getting here to see me.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #156 on: March 27, 2009, 07:11:30 am »

The Government is always on about people getting fit so heres a simple way to help them out ...................




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. ...........

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.........

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax...............

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.............

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.................

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute...............

(Don is at this level.)

















After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Yak
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« Reply #157 on: March 28, 2009, 07:23:59 am »

I havnt ploughed thru 8 pages to see if this has been previously posted so if it has, please forgive me.

A Pom, a Kiwi and an Aussie were driving down a country road in their car when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

The pom said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

The Kiwi echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

The Aussie just sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

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« Reply #158 on: March 28, 2009, 12:24:52 pm »

A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,

he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)




'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #159 on: March 28, 2009, 02:09:58 pm »

 :larf :dbks
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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WWW
« Reply #160 on: March 28, 2009, 04:02:30 pm »

 :sl
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #161 on: March 28, 2009, 05:12:56 pm »

Quickies

Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #5 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! Y
ou NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
 The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #162 on: March 28, 2009, 07:39:47 pm »

Quote
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




 Excuse me

WHY is this in jokes
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #163 on: March 28, 2009, 10:21:39 pm »

 :huh
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
bump head benny
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WWW
« Reply #164 on: March 29, 2009, 04:57:18 am »

 :thk
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #165 on: March 30, 2009, 07:18:40 am »

The Irish Diet


An irish man was terribly over weight so his Doctor put him on a diet .
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a full day," he said, " and then, repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds in weight. "
"Raet den," says the Irish man, and off he went.

When the Irish man returned to the clinic the Doctor was amazed to see that Paddy had lost nearly 60 pounds.
"That is amazing Paddy," the Doctor said, " you must have followed my instructions to the letter?"
The Irish man nodded, ... "I tell ya, doe, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I t'aut I wuz gunna drop down daeid on dat turd day!
"From hunger, you mean ?"...
" No fraem all dat fokkin skippin, " the "Irish man said.   
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #166 on: March 30, 2009, 04:44:10 pm »

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION       

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about....'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24... My mother taught me WISDOM
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...' 
 
 
 
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DazzaMc
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« Reply #167 on: March 30, 2009, 04:50:48 pm »

lol.

 :sl
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DazzaMc
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« Reply #168 on: March 30, 2009, 04:59:00 pm »

My stepmother once taught me about actions and reaction - and kinetic energy to boot, all in one simple equation.

She made me a milkshake - I returned it to her air-mail style (she said something about my real mom which pushed my button), she then proceeded to chase me down the road in the car, literally trying to run me over.

The simplest, shortest and most effective lesson ever!

 Smiley
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #169 on: March 30, 2009, 06:46:28 pm »

 :larf 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #170 on: April 01, 2009, 07:31:23 am »

Speaking of Ozzies:

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one
guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't Help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am
I! And where about From Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first guy responds, 'So
am I!' 'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived On McCleary Street
in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did

I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?' The other guy
answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, Of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I Graduated in 1964.' The
first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be Smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our Good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's In 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits Down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking His head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 'The Murphy twins are drunk
again.'





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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #171 on: April 01, 2009, 08:43:30 pm »

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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« Reply #172 on: April 02, 2009, 10:47:24 am »

   Best Menopause Question Ever

  Q:
 How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
 bulb?
 
Woman's Answer:
One!
 ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
 don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out
 And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the fuckin lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME FUCKIN SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
 THE FUCKIN LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
 OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
 
  ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
 IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS SHITHOUSE ! AND
 DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FUCKIN TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
 
I'm sorry.

  What was the question?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #173 on: April 02, 2009, 11:09:06 am »

 larfed  so much I pasta water 
« Last Edit: April 04, 2009, 05:00:05 am by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #174 on: April 03, 2009, 01:36:31 pm »

Who is your real friend?




This really works...!

 If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
 Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
 
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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