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A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


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Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7027 times)
Shef
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« Reply #125 on: March 13, 2009, 05:00:01 pm »

Husband says :“When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?”
Wife says “I clean the toilet“...
Husband says “How does that help?”
Wife says “I use your toothbrush“

 Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #126 on: March 13, 2009, 05:07:03 pm »

HYMN No.365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'

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GreenThumb
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« Reply #127 on: March 13, 2009, 07:03:15 pm »

The fire truck...

 

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with  admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the firefighter said,'I don't want to tell you how  to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but  then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #128 on: March 13, 2009, 10:17:55 pm »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #129 on: March 13, 2009, 10:23:04 pm »

Aussie Love Poem

of course i bloody love ya
you're a top notch bloody bird
when i say ya bloody gorgeous
i mean every bloody word

i swear on nanna's grave
the moment we first met
i thought you bloody bewdy!
she's the best i'll ever get!!
so ya bum is on the big side
i don't mind a bit of flab
it means that when i'm ready
there's somethin' more to grab

although ya belly isn't flat no more
don't worry, i don't care
so long as when i cuddle ya
me arms'll go round there

no sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just give into gravity
but i know ya did ya best

i'm tellin' ya the bloody truth
i'll never tell ya bloody lies
i think it's bloody sexy
ya got dimples on ya thighs

no matter wot ya look like
i'll always love ya dear
now shut up while the telly's on
and bring another beer!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #130 on: March 16, 2009, 10:18:52 am »

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #131 on: March 16, 2009, 12:30:20 pm »

New Drug Named

In pharmacology, [as you probably already know] all drugs have two names, a
trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is
amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, mydixadud, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and ibepokin.

Pfizer Corporation has announced that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, but
it does give new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just
good old-fashioned "stiff drinks." Pepsi will market the new concoction
under the name of "MOUNT AND DO."

BY FIZZER (pfizer)_ Makers of viagra
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #132 on: March 17, 2009, 05:55:32 am »

Printer Problem

Dear printer repair man:
Please come to my house and check my printer.
Every time I use the printer - and I am away while it prints -
my papers are wrinkled, even shredded.
Sometimes the ink is blurred.
I hope that you can find the problem!!
Sincerely,
Concerned Computer Owner

Dear Concerned Computer Owner:
While you were gone today, I checked your printer, and I found your problem.
Please click on the attachment for the answer.
Sincerely,
Your printer repair man

 

 :nn
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
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« Reply #133 on: March 17, 2009, 03:45:14 pm »

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray -up, Bitch'
 :ncof
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #134 on: March 17, 2009, 09:46:01 pm »

 :gpst
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #135 on: March 19, 2009, 08:34:09 am »

SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #136 on: March 19, 2009, 12:18:16 pm »

knew it, I knew it!!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
« Last Edit: March 19, 2009, 12:33:29 pm by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Kiwithrottlejockey
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« Reply #137 on: March 19, 2009, 03:40:34 pm »

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #138 on: March 19, 2009, 04:52:31 pm »

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #139 on: March 20, 2009, 06:57:30 am »

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care
what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor
says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18
year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old
arsehole?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #140 on: March 20, 2009, 08:44:31 am »

 :larf
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #141 on: March 21, 2009, 01:34:46 am »

PROGRAMMING

Women's version:



Dear Tech Support



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programmes such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate



-----------------



Dear Desperate



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.



If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
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« Reply #142 on: March 21, 2009, 11:28:40 am »

R18 content


























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donquixotenz
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« Reply #143 on: March 22, 2009, 08:59:17 am »

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (a bout 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Magoo
Guest
« Reply #144 on: March 22, 2009, 11:00:22 am »

BEAUTY PARLOR:   A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.
 
CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE:   A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST:   Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST:   Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION:   Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:   An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:   Grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET:   Something you tell to one person at a time.
 
SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.
 
TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
 
YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.               
 
WRINKLES:  Something other people have,  similar to my character lines.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #145 on: March 22, 2009, 07:02:17 pm »

   
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
GreenThumb
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« Reply #146 on: March 22, 2009, 11:18:50 pm »

WOMEN
WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's
20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily
walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul
and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters' vantage point,
despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk even further back behind their husbands,
and seem appear happy  to maintain the old custom.

Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once
tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight
in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'


The moral of the story is (no matter
what language you speak and where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.
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donquixotenz
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« Reply #147 on: March 22, 2009, 11:48:56 pm »

 :hrts   
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #148 on: March 23, 2009, 07:53:32 am »

School 1960 vs. School 2009



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.


2009 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.


2009 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2009 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #149 on: March 24, 2009, 08:38:05 am »

The nun teaching Sunday school asks: 'When you die and go to Heaven,which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raises her hand and says: 'I think it's your hands!'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replies: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together and God must takes your hands first'.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your legs!'
The nun looks at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?'
 Little Roy said:'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.
The nun fainted!!!
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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