Xtra News Community 2
December 15, 2019, 04:08:59 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to Xtra News Community 2 please also join our XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP.
 
  Home Help Arcade Gallery Links BITEBACK! XNC2-BACKUP-GROUP Staff List Login Register  

A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away


Pages: 1 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 9 10 ... 21   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away  (Read 7027 times)
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #100 on: March 06, 2009, 08:26:54 pm »

« Last Edit: March 06, 2009, 08:54:28 pm by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Alicat
Guest
« Reply #101 on: March 06, 2009, 08:42:57 pm »

<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxpt485YYNZ%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F11%255F6%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">SmileyCentral.com" border="0
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #102 on: March 07, 2009, 08:02:26 am »

This Guy thought he had the best Tattoo in the World






Till He went to Prison.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Crusader
Guest
« Reply #103 on: March 07, 2009, 10:26:48 am »

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

So the cocks fall off the dumb ones.
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #104 on: March 08, 2009, 12:39:59 pm »

The Eye's Have It

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
dragontamer
Guest
« Reply #105 on: March 08, 2009, 01:19:51 pm »

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
Report Spam   Logged
dragontamer
Guest
« Reply #106 on: March 08, 2009, 01:20:57 pm »

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? 
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.   

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #107 on: March 09, 2009, 11:35:16 am »

LITTLE FLAB!!



One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her
on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of Your
control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, She kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
bra."

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in
place, she said... "You know,

if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool man and your brother
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #108 on: March 09, 2009, 11:36:15 am »

Reporting

Slanting the news...many a true word said in jest...
Two boys are playing with a rugby ball on the street outside Eden
Park when one is attacked by a rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took a stick and managed to wedge it
down the dog's collar and twist, choking the dog and stopping the attack.

A reporter sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

'Young Warrior Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal,' he starts
writing in his notebook.

'But I'm not a Warriors fan,' the little hero replied.

'Sorry, since we are in Auckland , I just assumed you were,' said the
reporter and starts again.

'All Black Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,....' he continued
writing in his notebook.

'I'm not an All Black fan either!' the boy said.

'I assumed everyone in Auckland was either for the Warriors or the
All Blacks. So what team DO you root for?' the reporter asked.

'I'm a Roosters and Wallaby fan!', the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

'Little B****** from Australia Kills Beloved Family Pet'
 
   
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #109 on: March 09, 2009, 03:19:37 pm »

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #110 on: March 09, 2009, 10:56:25 pm »

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in Good
health. Do you have any medical concerns You would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold And
chilly, and then, after I have sex with her The second time, I am usually
hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything
Appears to be fine. Do you have any medical Concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?" She, too, replied that She had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He Claims
that he is usually cold and chilly after Having sex with you the first time,
and then hot and sweaty after the Second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
Usually in January and the second time is in August."
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #111 on: March 10, 2009, 09:19:38 am »

POLITE WAY TO PEE


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"I would say I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #112 on: March 10, 2009, 09:24:41 am »

Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "She is a dog!!"

He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"

He called me a 'show off'!

When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."

The judge said, "Me too!!"

Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1407



« Reply #113 on: March 10, 2009, 02:21:27 pm »

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must've been scary', said the teacher ' It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say ' f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!
Report Spam   Logged

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #114 on: March 10, 2009, 10:53:37 pm »

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #115 on: March 11, 2009, 09:36:54 am »

AIN'T LOVE GRAND.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,

"He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,

"That's more than twice a week!

You could learn a lot from him.

" They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,

"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

PLEASE NOTE:

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #116 on: March 11, 2009, 07:51:58 pm »

LOGICAL SCIENCE"     

Two builders (Fred & Barney) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Barney: "No way he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "he ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument continues itself for some time until the volume of beer consumed gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Doctor of Logical Science by profession."
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try and explain by example...Tell me, do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens."
Suit: Well, it's logical for me to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable for me to suppose that you have a reasonably large garden then?"
Fred: "Well as it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you have a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Barney: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask what he does?"
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Barney: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Let me see now.....Do you have a goldfish?"
Barney: "Nope"
Fred: "Well there you have it then, you're a wanker!"
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
gladys2
Member
*
Posts: 102


« Reply #117 on: March 11, 2009, 08:27:23 pm »



Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there .

One little boy said,

"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then He said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Lutrans , because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!"

They all joined in asking,

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"


"I think it means we're Pisspoterians.

 
 
 
Report Spam   Logged
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #118 on: March 11, 2009, 08:50:10 pm »

Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1407



« Reply #119 on: March 11, 2009, 11:16:27 pm »

Report Spam   Logged

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Newtown-Fella
Guest
« Reply #120 on: March 12, 2009, 01:32:08 am »

One day while he was at the track betting and losing badly, Sam noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.


Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Sam watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Sam made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Sam collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Sam bet big on it, and it won.

Sam was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Sam was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Sam also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Sam knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Sam, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.


Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a bloody mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Report Spam   Logged
Lovelee
XNC2 GOD
*
Posts: 19338



« Reply #121 on: March 12, 2009, 02:48:22 pm »

The  Good Grandpa

A  woman in a grocery store  happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is  working his way around, saying in a controlled  voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,  "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of  here.  Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a  controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of  my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert --  the little bastard's name is Steve."
 

Report Spam   Logged

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 2335


STILL TILTING


« Reply #122 on: March 13, 2009, 09:46:02 am »

A guy tries to get a job in his welfare office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Shef
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1407



« Reply #123 on: March 13, 2009, 04:57:05 pm »

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
Report Spam   Logged

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Shef
Senator
Shit-Hot Member
*
Posts: 1407



« Reply #124 on: March 13, 2009, 04:57:55 pm »

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Report Spam   Logged

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 9 10 ... 21   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Open XNC2 Smileys
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum


Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy
Page created in 0.062 seconds with 15 queries.