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Blokes Jokes


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Author Topic: Blokes Jokes  (Read 954 times)
Lovelee
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« on: February 12, 2009, 06:59:08 pm »

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.


Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,


Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,


Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1.00 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9..00 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.

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donquixotenz
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« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2009, 08:27:29 am »

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, Where did you come from? How did you get here? She replies, I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he notes. You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you. Oh, this thing? explains the woman. I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, where did you get the tools? Oh, that was no problem, replied the woman. On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned.

Lets row over to my place, she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink? No! No thank you, he blurts out, still dazed I cant take another drop of coconut juice. Its not coconut juice, winks the woman. I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, Im going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing, he muses. What next?

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, Weve been out here for many months. Youve been lonely. Theres something Im sure you really feel like doing right now, something youve been longing for? She stares into his eyes. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....


F*****g hell, dont tell me youve got Sky Sports?

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2009, 03:53:36 pm »

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2009, 04:09:09 pm »

ADULT CONTENT
http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/Menmultitaskingteethlootoilet.gif
« Last Edit: February 16, 2009, 04:12:14 pm by donquixotenz » Report Spam   Logged

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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Posts: 19338



« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2009, 04:14:12 pm »

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2009, 04:21:26 pm »

I thought I boobed. I origanally posted the actual animation but thought it might cause a ruckus so only posted the url with a warning...........You are a braver man than I lovelee.
cheers
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
Lovelee
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Posts: 19338



« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2009, 02:10:21 pm »

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple of more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










(So they buried Debbie.)
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2009, 09:30:23 am »

WHY OLDER WOMEN SHOULD WEAR BRA'S

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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2009, 10:02:49 am »

Drink Driving...  Huh

A supposedly true story from Mount Eden in Auckland .

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it bro," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy ".
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2009, 07:29:38 am »

At least one of these should bring you a smile!

 
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.



Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and

It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
 

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 

 

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

 

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
 

 

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.
 

 

A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory


 

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
 

 

I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.
 

 

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
 

 

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 

 

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
 

 

In Memoriam


 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.


 
 

 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
 

 

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 

 

Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 

 

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
 

 

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
 

   

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
 

 
 
 
 

 



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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2009, 09:49:32 am »

7
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2009, 08:49:11 am »

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"Then why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
City, Los Angeles , or even New York City !  From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting,"answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."


And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there !
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2013, 06:35:49 am »

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
 
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
 
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
 
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
 
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
 
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
 
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
 
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
 
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
 
So . . . . here I am!"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2013, 03:47:18 pm »

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.
 
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.
 
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2013, 10:54:20 am »

Alcohoroscopes


  ARIES
Drinking style:

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.




TAURUS

Drinking style:

Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us.  This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.


 GEMINI

Drinking style:

Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.


CANCER

Drinking style:

Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer.  Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.


    LEO

Drinking style:

Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them.   But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.


  VIRGO

Drinking style:

Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.  Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped.   It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight."   A toast to the subgenius IQ!



  LIBRA

Drinking style:

"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra,  "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.  Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!


SCORPIO

Drinking style:

Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.  They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.


SAGITTARIUS

In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:

When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.  Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?).  They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun.  Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).



CAPRICORN

Drinking style:

Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:  independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.


AQUARIUS

Drinking style:

Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers.  They also make the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.


 PISCES

Drinking style:

If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast.  Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime.  With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.


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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2013, 03:55:58 pm »

.


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
 
1. Feed him
 2. Sleep with him
 3. Leave him with peace
 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
 5. Don't bother him with his
 movements
 So whats so hard about that
 ?
 
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
 
It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
 woman happy, a man only needs
 to be:
 
1. a friend
 2. a companion
 3. a lover
 4. a brother
 5. a father
 6. a master
 7. a chef
 8. an electrician
 9. a plumber
 10. a mechanic
 11. a carpenter
 12. a decorator
 13. a stylist
 14. a sexologist
 15. a gynecologist
 16. a psychologist
 17. a pest exterminator
 18. a psychiatrist
 19. a healer
 20. a good listener
 21. an organizer
 22. a good father
 23. very clean
 24. sympathetic
 25. athletic
 26. warm
 27. attentive
 28. gallant
 29. intelligent
 30. funny
 31. creative
 32. tender
 33. strong
 34. understanding
 35. tolerant
 36. prudent
 37. ambitious
 38. capable
 39. courageous
 40. determined
 41. true
 42. dependable
 43. passionate
 
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
 44. give her compliments
 regularly
 45. Go shopping with her
 46. be honest
 47. be very rich
 48. not stress her out
 49. not look at other girls
 AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU
 MUST ALSO:
 50. give her lots of attention
 51. give her lots of time,
 especially time for herself
 52. give her lots of space, never
 worrying about where she goes.
 
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY
 IMPORTANT
 53. never forget
 *birthdays
 *anniversaries
 *valentine
 *arrangements she makes.
 
true or false?
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2013, 07:14:42 am »

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. 
"That's cool," says Bobby. 

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, Bobby's eyes light up at that. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2013, 07:03:18 am »

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

With my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,

Who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!



(>.<)
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2013, 08:16:28 am »

WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?Huh

 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS: July 18th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 ______________________________________
 And last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #19 on: September 03, 2013, 08:16:42 am »

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.

      SHE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

       SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER MULE TO THE HITCHING RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE,

            BRUSHING DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED

    OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY

     IN THE OTHER.


 

             THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING,

               "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"


 

      THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,

                        "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


 

           A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,

                 "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING

                            AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.


 

                    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -  NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOES BLOWN OFF –

                      STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.


 

                       WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,

                          STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO

                                               GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.


 

                  THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED

                        SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY

                    THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.


 

                THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING.


 

                   THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND

                          VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.


 

                  THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN

                  AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.


 

            THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS,

                        AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"


 

                                THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM... BUT...

                                             I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."


 

                                        THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE:


 

                 1 - Don't be arrogant.

                 2 - Don't waste ammunition.

                 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

                 4 - Always, always make sure you know who you are dealing with.

                 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2013, 05:35:37 am »

A wife goes out for a night on the town with the girls, telling her husband she’ll be home around midnight.

 Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.

 She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.

 Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!

 That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”

 “Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. The husband didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!

“Well,” he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

 “Why do you say that?” she asked.

“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh shit,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2014, 11:21:09 am »

LOL Now there's high jumps! and hurdles...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152174874578777&set=vb.828023776&type=2&theater
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.
donquixotenz
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Posts: 2335


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« Reply #22 on: May 19, 2014, 08:00:39 am »

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/unfortunate-pictures?bffb
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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body.

But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...

WOW, What a Ride!"

Please note: IMHO and e&oe apply to all my posts.

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