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“Trio Mowree” for dumbfuck rednecks…

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Having fun in the hills!

« on: February 01, 2018, 01:25:52 pm »

from The Dominion Post....

So, what's this Trio Mowree stuff then?

By DAVE ARMSTRONG | 5:00AM — Monday, 20 January 2018

Flat white? Could that be someone struggling with the surge of te reo Maori in everyday Kiwi life?
Flat white? Could that be someone struggling with the surge of te reo Maori in everyday Kiwi life?

EARLY the other morning, I was in the supermarket buying some white bread for my corned beef sandwiches. Once I'd paid I said a cheery “goodbye” to the checkout operator. “Ka kite ano,” she replied.

Even though I have a doctorate in economics I had no idea what she was talking about. Could she be saying “warning, there is a seal flying a kite in the Mexican foodstuffs aisle”?

“What on earth are you saying?” I asked. She smiled. “See you later, bro.”

It got worse in the car. I turned on Morning Report and when an interview finished the host said “Ko Guyon Espiner tēnei.” I have been an Adjunct Professor in Economics but I had no idea what this young man was talking about. Was he saying “hands up everyone, I'm going to shoot you with an Espiner pistol”?

When I got home I switched on Breakfast TV, only to see a young man called Mr Jack Tame say “ata marie” as he began an interview. Using my brilliant powers of deduction that used to help me calculate 90-day interest rates to within three decimal places, I worked out that, (a) it was the morning and, (b) he was beginning an interview. I therefore deduced that Mr Tame was saying “I am utterly married”.

Apparently he was speaking a language called Trio Mowree and I don't understand why I should have to listen to it. The original inhabitants of this country used to speak Trio but then something happened which saw it rapidly decline. I'm not sure of the details because I'm an economist not a historian, but apparently it involved a cane, strap and an education system.

But now people want compulsory Trio taught in schools. Fortunately the Prime Minister, Mr English, poured cold water on the idea and said it wasn't the government's job to save someone else's language.

Unfortunately, Mr English is no longer the Prime Minister — some young woman got the job late last year. Apparently she is hapū, which means she is a sub-tribe. Why is my life being ruined by Trio speakers in their thirties?

As an economist, the trouble I have with Trio is that you can't speak it anywhere else in the world. Fortunately Mr Hosking, the host of Seven Sharp, pointed this out, explaining that Trio is irrelevant. Unfortunately, Mr Hosking is no longer the host of Seven Sharp, so has himself become irrelevant, but he is dead right.

Can I brashly suggest that being able to speak Trio will never get you a good job — unless you work for the government, education sector, translation services, museum industry, film and television, Police, Corrections or Social Services. That's all.

Actually, social welfare, health, the arts, politics and local government are all crying out for people with Trio knowledge, but that's about it, apart from historians, anthropologists, archaeologists, sociologists, Treaty Settlements advisers, tourism, advertising, architecture, social science research, mental health, dental health, the legal profession, website creation, IT, graphic design, and 3D design. Not that much, really.

Actually, what I'm really trying to say is that knowledge of Trio probably won't help you get a job in a bank.

After the trouble with my midsummer Trio nightmare I escaped to the theatre and enjoyed some Shakespeare.

To my horror sections of it were in Trio. Because I know the play well I understood exactly what was going on but that's not the point. I often listen to entire operas in Italian, French and German, none of which I speak, but that is different. Not understanding European languages is a more civilised class of ignorance.

I don't understand why New Zealand schoolchildren should be forced to learn complicated hard-to-pronounce Trio words like “tapu” when there's a perfectly easy English phrase such as “person, place or thing dedicated to a god, thus removed from the sphere of the profane and put into the sacred” that can be used in its place.

Anyway, time to write to the rugby union to request that the All Blacks perform the haka — or, as it should more simply be called: traditional warlike posture dance performed by a group — in English so we can all understand it.


• Dave Armstrong is a New Zealand playwright, screenwriter, trumpet player and columnist for The Dominion Post. His work has featured on stage, radio and television. His television writer credits include “Spin Doctors”, “Seven Periods with Mr Gormsby”, “Great War Stories”, and script editor for “bro'Town”.

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