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Humour

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AuntyRotter
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« Reply #575 on: August 20, 2013, 07:26:27 pm »

 Grin
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guest49
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« Reply #576 on: August 30, 2013, 04:59:04 pm »

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
 As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

 Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'


Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'


 [Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...]
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« Reply #577 on: August 31, 2013, 12:26:57 pm »

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
 As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

 Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'


Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'


 [Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...]

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« Reply #578 on: September 03, 2013, 09:29:03 am »

John Cleese has it about right:

 "The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 -- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.
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« Reply #579 on: September 07, 2013, 03:58:50 pm »

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect

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guest49
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« Reply #580 on: September 09, 2013, 09:21:34 am »

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Alicat
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« Reply #581 on: September 09, 2013, 11:36:15 am »




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nitpicker1
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« Reply #582 on: September 09, 2013, 11:53:54 am »



moral of the story? >>>    Always carry a trolleyjack in your boot  ... 


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"Life might not be the party you were expecting, but you're here now, so you may as well get up and dance"
guest49
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« Reply #583 on: September 09, 2013, 12:31:39 pm »

Pays to steal one off the back of a ute somewhere, as getting it out from underneath after that last wheel, is a real bitch! Undecided
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« Reply #584 on: October 31, 2013, 06:33:02 pm »

I thought this was too good, not to share! 

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

 

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guest49
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« Reply #585 on: November 01, 2013, 04:32:00 pm »

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
 Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
 The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
 Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated'
 The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
 Little Johnny raised his hand.
 The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
 She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
 Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.'
 The teacher sat down and cried.
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guest49
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« Reply #586 on: November 01, 2013, 04:37:56 pm »

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
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Calliope
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« Reply #587 on: November 09, 2013, 11:47:12 am »


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated

but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fu***ng thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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nitpicker1
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« Reply #588 on: November 10, 2013, 06:40:58 pm »


I have often wondered whether infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery
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"Life might not be the party you were expecting, but you're here now, so you may as well get up and dance"
Alicat
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« Reply #589 on: November 14, 2013, 08:28:40 am »


I have often wondered whether infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery


Hmmmm - and this was posted by a Post Whore
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« Reply #590 on: November 14, 2013, 08:28:59 am »

 

A young girl started work in the village chemist  shop. She was very shy about having to
sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be
willing to run the shop on her own.  She had to confide in him her worries
bout selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for
a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be
used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop,
put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile
and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

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« Reply #591 on: November 24, 2013, 07:51:38 am »

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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« Reply #592 on: December 23, 2013, 09:43:03 pm »

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
his fireplace  before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them. What  they say about Santa checking
the list twice must be true because every  Christmas morn
ing, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make
his dream come  true. I put on sunglasses and went in search
of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult  bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll
only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
like,  "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy
that?" Finally, I  made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute  as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush  hour. Finding what I wanted
was difficult. Love Dolls come in many  different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for  Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the
price scale. To call Louise a  doll took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help  of an old
bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning  hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I
filled the dangling pantyhose  with Louise's pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank  what remained of
a glass of milk on a nearby tray I went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to
say that  Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him VERY  happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away,  then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain  in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when
they  came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. "What the  hell is that?" she asked. My brother
quickly explained, "It's a doll."  "Who would play with
something like that?" Granny snapped.  I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her
clothes?"  Granny continued.  "Boy, that turkey sure smells
nice Gran" Jay said, to  steer her into the dining room. But
Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't  she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying,  "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me  and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?"  I told him she was  Jay's friend. A few minutes
later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking  to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went  well. We made the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and  who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in  the bathroom
in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat  screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across  the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth  resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's  garage, we conducted a thorough examination
to decide the cause of  Louise's collapse. We discovered
that Louise had suffered from a hot ember  to the back of
her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug
called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
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guest49
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« Reply #593 on: December 24, 2013, 06:08:22 am »

LOL
Reminds me - Saw this yesterday.  Not sure if joke or not......
clicky thing
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« Reply #594 on: December 24, 2013, 06:14:11 am »

LOL
Reminds me - Saw this yesterday.  Not sure if joke or not......
clicky thing

PMSL.

I have bought one for a very wicked male colleague. When he least expects it, his ideal girlfriend will appear sitting at his desk
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« Reply #595 on: January 03, 2014, 06:15:33 am »

THE GUNFIGHTER

 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man...

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
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« Reply #596 on: January 17, 2014, 09:52:04 am »



RETARDED  GRANDPARENTS         
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Whitby Lakes where  everyone lives in nice little houses, and they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore..
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.   At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.


Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!!
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« Reply #597 on: January 22, 2014, 07:36:21 am »


Married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her

He looked at her for a while, and then he said “You’re an alphabet wife – A-B- C- D- E -F -G -H-I-J- K”

Puzzled, she asked “What does that mean?”

He replied “ You’re Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot’”

She smiled happily and said “ That’s so lovely. But what does the I-J-K stand for?”

He said “ I’m Just Kidding”

 

The swelling in his eye is going down, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles!
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Calliope
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If music be the food of love, play on


« Reply #598 on: January 29, 2014, 08:47:17 am »

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol..

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


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[W]hat the internet and its cult of anonymity do is to provide a blanket sort of immunity for anybody who wants to say anything about anybody else, and it would be difficult in this sense to think of a more morally deformed exploitation of the concept of free speech.
- Richard Bernstein in the New York Times
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« Reply #599 on: April 07, 2014, 04:25:00 pm »


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