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Humour

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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2009, 06:15:48 am »

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.


Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center!

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Alicat
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« Reply #26 on: February 14, 2009, 06:57:19 pm »

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
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Alicat
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« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2009, 07:41:25 pm »

Difference Between Grandmas and Grandpas!

   
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort to have 'family time' on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just him and his granddaughter.
 
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
 
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
 
"Oh yes, Grandpa," the girl replied, "and do you know what?
We didn't see a single dumb bastard, lousy shit-head or asshole driving anywhere we went today!"
 
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?                 

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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2009, 08:49:42 am »

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at h is awards and decorations and said,  'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 

Finally the young lady said,

'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

''1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said,

'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,

'I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'

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Alicat
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« Reply #29 on: February 19, 2009, 10:18:09 am »

There was a Church in North Carolina that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to it and the following morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.....
 
"Dew to thircumsthanthis b'wond my contwol, we will not haf a thermon t'day."
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bump head benny
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« Reply #30 on: February 21, 2009, 02:53:35 am »

I got pulled over by the cops for a breath test the other night and said.
" I havent had a cont all day....drinkstable"
he wasnt too amused.
 
« Last Edit: February 21, 2009, 03:34:24 am by bumphead benny » Report Spam   Logged

Lets kill all the warmongers.
Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #31 on: February 23, 2009, 10:33:05 am »

This is ever so true!!!!!




Bubba Had Shingles Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Bubba:


Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  Bubba said: 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.


A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.


An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'



I'm still laughing!!

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Newtown-Fella
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« Reply #32 on: February 23, 2009, 10:35:07 am »

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not  Walter who's lacking  intelligence.



2.  WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself  inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, '  Please come out and give yourself  up.'


3.  WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4.  THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5.  DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to  repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not  what I said!'



6.  ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A  man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant  and her contractions are only two  minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor  asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her  husband!'




7.  NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch  without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to  simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.  (hellooooooo)!


8.  THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last  summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,  an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some  folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the  propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the  marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He  came up choking on water, he was laughing so  hard. NOW  REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under  the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the  trailer!
« Last Edit: February 23, 2009, 04:18:38 pm by Newtown-Fella » Report Spam   Logged
bump head benny
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« Reply #33 on: February 23, 2009, 01:07:07 pm »

Hillbillies from that river in Deliverence Ill bet. ding  ding ding  ding  ding  ding  ding d ing  ding.
 Grin
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
Alicat
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« Reply #34 on: February 23, 2009, 02:04:37 pm »

Proof That The World Is Nuts



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam!!
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Alicat
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« Reply #35 on: February 23, 2009, 08:31:09 pm »

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling  screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

'It's only someone  having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head  drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the  old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'
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Alicat
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« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2009, 01:47:12 pm »

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want'

So he tied her up and went golfing.
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Lovelee
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« Reply #37 on: February 24, 2009, 01:48:01 pm »

 Grin
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Alicat
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« Reply #38 on: February 24, 2009, 01:49:12 pm »

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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Alicat
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« Reply #39 on: February 24, 2009, 01:50:53 pm »

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
 to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'     
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bump head benny
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« Reply #40 on: February 25, 2009, 06:29:01 pm »

A vicar stands at the front of his congregation and whispers to the alter boy, "Say....isnt that young fanny green in the front row?"
The alter boy says.
"No vicar....its the light from the stained glass window"
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Lets kill all the warmongers.
bump head benny
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« Reply #41 on: February 25, 2009, 06:30:51 pm »

The pope was delivering a sermon on the evils of abortion, and an Italian woman shouts out.
"Hey....you no playa de game, you no make a da rules".
 Grin
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bump head benny
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« Reply #42 on: February 25, 2009, 06:32:44 pm »

Did you know in Italy a bigamist is a rather large fog?

In norway a Fjord is a small car.

And khakis are what the Norwegians start their Fjords with

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Lovelee
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« Reply #43 on: February 25, 2009, 07:43:42 pm »



I dunno if this is humourous or not.
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
bump head benny
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« Reply #44 on: February 26, 2009, 03:31:47 am »

not
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Shef
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« Reply #45 on: February 26, 2009, 03:32:01 am »

I think it's funny, but I'm sure there are a lot of Americans who won't Grin
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Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
Lovelee
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« Reply #46 on: February 26, 2009, 06:01:20 pm »

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica .

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate
love-making she asks him "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is,
and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.


On her last night there she asks again,
"Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the
black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.


"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter.
The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied,



"I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who
won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow every day in
Jamaica ."

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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Alicat
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« Reply #47 on: February 26, 2009, 07:35:32 pm »

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor at the University of  Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' 

She replied:

'Probably drinking beer with his mates.' 

It took fully 5 minutes to restore order in the lecture room...........
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Lovelee
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« Reply #48 on: February 26, 2009, 07:37:34 pm »

THE SPEECH THERAPIST

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

 Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

So, who wants to go first?'





The Englishman piped up. 'B-b -b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.



'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'



The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.



'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'



The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.



'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.



After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.....................







'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'
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Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got a really nasty case of syphilis, in which case penicillin is your best bet.
Alicat
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« Reply #49 on: February 26, 2009, 07:43:08 pm »

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room,
talking about life... In-between, we talked about the
idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally
dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect
all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of
admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect
the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer,
the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went
to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

I ALMOST DIED!!!
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