Humour

[Alicat]

Life is ... what it is.


The three Dolls in a man's life are:
                             


His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'

His Wife, 'Panadol'

[Alicat]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes" I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been free today."

[Newtown-Fella]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly!

In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can! 

[chrismrky]

joke.......
 
A guy was in a fancy hotel when he had an urgent need to use the bathroom. He went into the mens but all the cubicles were occupied.  Because of his great need he decided to use the womens toilet.  Having knocked first to make sure no one was in there he ventures in, finds a cubicle and relaxes into business.
 
While he was enthroned he notices on the wall beside him 4 buttons.......each one marked differently........WW.......WA........SP.......ATR.
 
hmm he thinks.   I wonder what they are for.
 
having finished he decided to try the first button.  He pushes WW and ohhhhh lovely warm water comes up and gently sprays him...........wow!  he thinks thats pretty neat, feels great to.   Wonder what the next button does??  so he pushes WA...............and this lovely gentle blast of warm air dries him off.    God,  we dont have anything like this in the mens room.this is amazing .......so he decides to push the SP button..................and wow a gentle puff of scented powder floats up and deoderises him.............Oh my god,  this is fantastic he thinks.  I cant wait to see what the last button does, so he pushes it.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
......................when he comes to he is in hospital in terrible pain.  There is a nurse bending over him reasauring him that he will be okay.
 
 
What happened he asked............ahh said the nurse......you pressed the ATR button? 
 
'Yes', says the man.....oh says the nurse...that's the Automatic Tampon Remover.  Your penis is in the glass jar by your bed.

 
 

[Lovelee]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small   town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of  Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Lovelee]

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere from a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.'

[Alicat]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars in UK . They beg in different areas of
London.
 
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
 
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
 
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work. I have a wife and 6 kids to support'.
 
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
 
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows his sign....
 


It reads,

 

'I only need another £100 to move back to Pakistan '…….!!!!!!!!!!!

[Newtown-Fella]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.  For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT




ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No , the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here? < br> ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?A 0

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............

[Alicat]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the madcow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

[Alicat]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about  perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Alicat]

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big.

 I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
 
  and then the fight started.....

[Alicat]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party .

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.   He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[Calliope]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?


WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

 

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
 
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
 
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
 
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
 
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
 

 


THEN, THAT

UGLY,

 

OLD,
 
BALD,
 
WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,
 
GREY-HAIRED,
 
DECREPIT,

 

SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:
 

 

 

 


 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

[Alicat]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the  toilet , *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!,
the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is fine but I had to call you because I'm
in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?"

"OH MY GOD!" Ethel exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!"

[Alicat]

New Words for  2009   

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking boll*cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
 
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
   Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES...
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks   

[Newtown-Fella]

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play With himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection.

Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance.

He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air.

The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection.

He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells,

"Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

[Newtown-Fella]

The RedNeck Sexual IQ Test


1) A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
5) A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

7) Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
8] Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
9) Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
10) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
11)An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

13) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
15)An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
16) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
17) Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
18) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

[Newtown-Fella]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?'  asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup needed on aisle 5, we have a husband down'

[bump head benny]

 

[Newtown-Fella]

An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sister........!'

[Newtown-Fella]

Man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'



"If looking back hurts you, and looking forward scares you, then look beside you and ill always be there."

[bump head benny]

 

[k1w14ever]

 There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. 

 At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains   of Tickle Me   Elmo's. She has a   roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 
If you don't send this to five friends right away, 
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!


 
 
 There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. 

 At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains   of Tickle Me   Elmo's. She has a   roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. 
If you don't send this to five friends right away, 
There will be five fewer people laughing in the world!


 
 

[Calliope]

The  Three Little Pigs


Three  Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The  waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first  little piggy.


'I  would like a Coke,' said the second little  piggy.
               
'I  want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the  third little piggy.

The drinks were  brought out and the waiter took their orders for  dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said  the first piggy..


'I  would like the salad plate,' said the second  piggy.
     
'I  want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the  third little piggy.

The meals were  brought out and a while later the waiter  approached the table and asked if the piggies  would like any  dessert.

'I  want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I  want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
     
'I  want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the  third little piggy.


'Pardon  me for asking,' said the waiter to the third  little piggy,' 



But  why have you only ordered beer all  evening?' 
 











The  third piggy says -



'Well,  somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way  home!

[Alicat]

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the
13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'