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General Category => General Forum => Topic started by: donquixotenz on January 28, 2009, 05:19:07 pm



Title: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 28, 2009, 05:19:07 pm
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bot hers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1)    You believe in Santa Claus.
2)    You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3)    You are Santa Claus.
4)    You look like Santa Claus.
 
SUCCESS:
At age  4  success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . .   "Doing It".
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . ."Doing It".
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 28, 2009, 06:10:14 pm
Priceless...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on January 29, 2009, 02:56:56 am
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.'   He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.

The agent says,  'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

.
.
.
.
>
>
The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'














Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 29, 2009, 07:58:01 am

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled .."Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same Police Officer in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00  


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: wgtngirl on January 29, 2009, 09:37:38 am
Brilliant donq.....just what we need ;)

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall

To see what was on the other side!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: k1w14ever on January 29, 2009, 10:10:47 am


Let him dig ....

 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

 

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

 

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

 

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

 

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

 

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

 

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 29, 2009, 05:26:28 pm
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,
he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of
Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm and holds tight, "no way. I hate needles, I'm
not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of
days. I'm not having gas."


So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he
says. "Take this pill."


The man asks "What is it?"


The doc replies, "Viagra."


The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.


"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to
while I pull your tooth!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on January 29, 2009, 05:29:58 pm
(http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on January 29, 2009, 05:49:16 pm
This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school
had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize
and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.



Dear St Josephs School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but before I
got my own, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into
a lot of pieces.It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine................... and I
told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on January 29, 2009, 09:15:11 pm
An old woman rings her doictor and says she's suicidal, she's got a gun and she wants the doctors opinion on the best place to shoot herself, he says not in the head , coz its too messy, best to aim for the heart coz itll be over quick smart. Just aim for th left nipple he says. Theres a slight pause and then the doctor hears a loud BANG!!
The old woman comes back on the phone and says doctor, I did as you told me, I put the barrel up to my left nipple and fuck me dayz I shot my kneecap off!!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on January 30, 2009, 09:28:57 am
If the global crisis continues at the present greed-fuelled rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ...
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.
And don't you just know that when these two banks merge it would still be full of bloody wankers!
 


A blond city girl        marries an Oklahoma rancher.  One morning, on        his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The        insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.         I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the        barn.  You show him where the cow is when he

gets here,        OK?"

 

The rancher        leaves for the fields.  After a while, the artificial insemination        man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the        barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,        she tells him, "This is the one right here."

 

The man, assuming        he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying        to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be        bred?"

 

"That's simple.         By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very        confidently.

 

Laughing rudely        at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail        for?"

 

The blond turns        to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang        your pants on."

 

... Chalk up one        for the Blond ...





An American decided to write a book

about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took

a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by

working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church

taking photographs when he noticed a

golden telephone mounted on the wall

with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued,

asked a priest who was strolling by what

the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line

to heaven and that for $10,000 you could

talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and

went along his way.

Next stop was in    Atlanta.

There, at a very large   cathedral,

he saw the same golden telephone with the

same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind

of telephone he saw in   Orlando   and he

asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line

to heaven and that for $10,000 he

could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America ,

Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same

golden telephone with the same

'$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel   to

Australia to see if   Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia   and again, in the first church

he entered, there was the same golden

telephone, but this time the sign under

it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so

he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the

world   and I've seen this same golden

telephone in many churches. I'm told that it

is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them 

price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,

'You're in Australia  now, son - it's a local call'




 O0


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 31, 2009, 06:33:03 pm
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no
problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my
silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived
her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects
she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know
this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air w hen the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked
me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there
are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that"paramedics.


Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and not
succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally
made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it
was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all a sked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 01, 2009, 09:57:06 am
Embarrasing moments reveal lots


 


 
 

 

4th Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start
behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's
willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was
deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter".


3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was
living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on as a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family -
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends,
were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a
state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system,
which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check
for Tampax Super-size". But it got worse...

Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a
business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address
system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind
you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place - And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in
male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct"
adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again,
the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without
another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as
she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 02, 2009, 06:54:46 am
Subject: Italian Lesson

Two Italian men get on a bus and after taking their seats they become absorbed in an animated conversation.

A lady sitting nearby tries to ignore them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them apparently graphically describing his lascivious bedroom pursuits :

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last-a time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," yelled out the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak out in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Whos-a talkin' abouta sex? I'm-a just-a tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on February 02, 2009, 10:26:38 am
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN!!

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Theme Parks and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!    What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong..... 




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: TokGal on February 02, 2009, 12:59:16 pm
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'




Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !' 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 02, 2009, 02:57:04 pm
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday,  a
 woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun  on the
 other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over,  walked up to the car, with
 that classic patronizing smirk we all  know and love, asked, "What's
 your hurry?"

To which she  replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you  do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop  stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum  stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one  finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then  with
my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both  hands in, and then
I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6  feet."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he  asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a  bridge."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the  Cop's Face - PRICELESS!
   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 03, 2009, 09:43:11 am
What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 05, 2009, 08:35:56 am
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,
and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going
to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGIN PORRIDGE YET !!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 05, 2009, 06:31:09 pm
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, .......... green,green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.   

 

 ::)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on February 05, 2009, 07:30:35 pm
 ;D HAHAHA  L'lee - that's not a joke - it's real life in NZ!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: wgtngirl on February 05, 2009, 08:37:46 pm
PMSL lovelee.....I can relate to that.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 06, 2009, 07:42:48 am
Only the Irish…

On Visual Mathematics:

Paddy went into the fish market to apply for a job.
The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Paddy hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Paddy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Paddy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "

The second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Paddy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Paddy answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Paddy so he says,

"All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Paddy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Paddy, "Go on, Paddy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Paddy leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says,

"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got –

dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
and dirty tree an' a turd,
which makes 100 init."

When do I start my job boss?!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 07, 2009, 11:41:59 am
 O0Cat Bathing as a Martial Art O0

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advise you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend alot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/coolsmiley.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 08, 2009, 06:55:53 am
ANGER MANAGEMENT

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and
you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out
on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A
man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak
with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on
me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong number"
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're
an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole" next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
"asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID
program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored
me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote
down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too.. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I
said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it
is. "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he
said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every
evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had
two assholes to call...

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoy-
able as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called
Asshole #1.

"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah", I said.
"Stop calling me", he screamed "Make me", I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah?"
"Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house
with my black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole", I said...
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass", he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now".

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying
that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way
over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13
news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street... I
quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news
crew.

Now, I feel better.


Piss off,
 8)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 11, 2009, 09:00:02 am
A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices
is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen
in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise,
and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr ?"

"Pistachios ?

They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" the tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks,"Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons ?"

"Almonds ?

They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! Tas pensive," replied the tongue-tied man.

"Welp, how bout your pikanns ?"

"Pecans ?

They're on sale today.

They're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit.

Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"Alright then ,"says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay
tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile.

"Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that.

I don't make fun of anybody, for anything!

I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze ?



I tought dat wuz your dick since your nutz arr so damn high."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 12, 2009, 08:53:23 am
A husband walks into "Victoria's Secret " store to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from> $250 to $500 inprice, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He neverheard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on February 12, 2009, 09:25:37 am
At the National Art Gallery in New York husband and wife were staring at
a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African Americans in the predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression by gay men
in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he
replied.

"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Welsh coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 12, 2009, 08:59:59 pm
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.




He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.


Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,


Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,


Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1.00 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 9..00 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 13, 2009, 08:42:53 am
'The Toast'


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer... and said
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said."

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me,and I was a bit surprised meself.

You know, he's only been
there twice in the last four years.


Once he fell asleep,
and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 13, 2009, 08:56:45 am
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/th_newjeans.jpg) (http://s589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/?action=view&current=newjeans.flv)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 13, 2009, 07:32:27 pm
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 14, 2009, 08:36:03 am
Handy Cleaning Tips:   

Dirt Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against the harmful and aging rays of the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.

Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean. Works every time. Cinnamon or other food scented candles that are burning also make it smell like you have been cooking.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 14, 2009, 09:10:42 am
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Must read out loud



Are you habouring a fugitive...................Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP....................................Cum Hai

Stupid man.......................................Dum Fuk

Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan

Small Pony.......................................Ti Ne Po Ni

I Bumped the coffee table ................... I Bang Mi Fa Kin ni

I think you need a face lift ...................Chin Tu Fat

its very dark in here ...........................Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a deit .................Wai Yu Kum Chin

This is a tow away zone........................No Pa Kin

Our meeting is schudeled for next week.....Wi Yu Cum Nao

Staying out of sight .............................Lei Ying Lo

Hes cleaning his automobile....................Wa Shing Ka

Your body oder is offensive....................Stin Ki Pu

Great..............................................Fu Kin Su Pah


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 15, 2009, 09:20:15 am
G W Bushisims

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14516.jpg)

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14510.jpg)

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W.. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14515.jpg)

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush



'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14511.jpg)

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14512.jpg)

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14513.jpg)

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/ATT14514.jpg)

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on February 15, 2009, 09:28:19 am
General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.


This is the trick our company accounts lady uses to fool our anally retentive boss.  Boss has a bad habit of sweating the small stuff, causing havoc for the rest of us who are trying to get the big issues sorted. 

It's hilarious to watch the boss come in, sniff the air suspiciously, and try and find dust (the building is over 100 years old and doesn't have a ceiling other than the sky-lit roof proper), so of course there is dust, not to mention sand from the grout breaking down in the brickwork.  But she dare not complain because she can smell the cleaner and the obvious client based rooms are dustfree(ish).


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 15, 2009, 11:49:00 pm
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
New Zealand, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to
build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and
40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in
his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to RMA for a decision.

Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
Kiwi.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood
to save the Kiwis. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRD seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 16, 2009, 08:17:16 am
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards"
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!"



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: sickofpollies on February 16, 2009, 08:54:54 am
Quote
G W Bushisims

While very funny, most of those quotes actually belong to another politician, Dan Quayle, and not Bush.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 16, 2009, 06:46:47 pm
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 17, 2009, 08:46:08 am
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 17, 2009, 07:23:44 pm
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/CuntAffairs.jpg)

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/test%20original/cuntry.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 18, 2009, 08:35:14 am
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 18, 2009, 08:37:07 am
 Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
 
"So, how is everything going?" enquired God.
 
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and Sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.   
 
It is these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.
 
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
 
"That is a fair point," replied God,   
"But it was my first shot at  this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will Fix it up right away."
 
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
 
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
 
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
 
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.   All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
 
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
 
Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
 
 
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on February 18, 2009, 01:20:05 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v298/sealx/icons_smilies/face-laugh.png)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Brownie55 on February 18, 2009, 10:09:02 pm
A Wee Scottish Tale.


 


A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a  Highland burn. 

A  Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae  drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The  man replies,
'My  Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper  replies,

'I  said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 18, 2009, 11:36:30 pm
(http://smfsupport.com/support/Smileys/smfnew/smitten.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 19, 2009, 06:26:54 am
Chicken Joke
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his testicles, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." At, this the Scotsman said, "Aye Lad, maybe you should just keep the wee egg."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 19, 2009, 06:28:15 am
Bagpipe Humour
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end--it would be a good idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. That's the Porsche of bagpipes.
------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
+----------------------------------+
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realized it... , but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 19, 2009, 06:31:53 am
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 19, 2009, 07:12:18 pm
ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 20, 2009, 08:15:48 am
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)I found this on the old xtranews2 and had a laugh.(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)



People should give the appropriate time to think of suitable & appropriate
domain names for their business.

The following domains are real.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and
famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island":

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

We have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 20, 2009, 08:18:47 am
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 21, 2009, 07:56:32 am
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU..

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU..

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M

FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE.




















THE FLU


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 21, 2009, 11:43:33 am
From the 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS:
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use ‘occy’ straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped… and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
“The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY:
Three young men in Oklahoma were looking forward to enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON’T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT:
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: “HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!” Needless to say, God delivered.
The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH:
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU:
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone…more or less. He was doing the usual “walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT:
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Nitpicker1 on February 21, 2009, 03:54:32 pm
 
-Hi Di.



 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to  take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
 I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten  to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with  Robyn Carter?"
 Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in  number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
 that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct  number to call her, I found  that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
 After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
 When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up.
 
 I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
 When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop.
 So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
 He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
 I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
 
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
 A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
 arsehole, to so. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
 "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
 "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
 "What's your name?" I asked.
 "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
 "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
 "I'm home every evening after five."
 "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
 "Yes?"
 "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
 
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
 "Hello."
 "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
 "Are you still there?" he asked.
 "Yeah," I said.
 "Stop calling me," he screamed.
 "Make me," I said.
 "Who are you?" he asked
 "My name is Don Hansen."
 "Yeah? Where do you live?"
 "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
 He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
 I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
 Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
 "Hello, arsehole," I said.
 He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
 "You'll what?" I said.
 "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
 I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

 I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each
 other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

 NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

 









Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 22, 2009, 05:31:00 am
So Donald duck walks into a brothel and says. "Can you put it on my bill?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 22, 2009, 07:42:17 am
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 22, 2009, 08:20:34 am
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: robman on February 22, 2009, 11:31:13 am
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 22, 2009, 05:53:34 pm
Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed , his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure , they decide to consult their Rabbi.The Rabbi listens to their story , strokes his beard , and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love , have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed , they go back to the Rabbi.'Okay , ' he says to the husband , 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'Once again , they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire , the same strapping young man.The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous , room-shaking , ear-splitting screaming orgasm.The husband smiles , looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly , 'See that , you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Brownie55 on February 22, 2009, 10:24:59 pm
This is what marriage is really all about . . . . ..

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French friesand one drink. The old manunwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You cou ld tell they were thinking, 'T hat poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..









(This is great!)









**********




'THE TEETH.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Brownie55 on February 22, 2009, 10:27:06 pm
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 23, 2009, 07:52:23 am
New Element discovered.


The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of
the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named "Governmentium".


Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.




These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.




Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less
than a second, to take over four days to complete.




Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.




This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.




It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 23, 2009, 06:47:27 pm
THE PERFECT WISH




A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.



The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.



For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 24, 2009, 08:22:56 am
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 24, 2009, 05:14:02 pm
Saw this on another site and it was looking into the past line by line.
Only a few things different add horse and the home gate jumping the corrugated sled don the pine hill.
Swimming the tidal bore at San Remo and using real snakes for whip fights.
And cricket with a Mallee root for a bat and a big stone for the ball and chucking was in.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and

NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on February 24, 2009, 06:37:30 pm

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the
desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice
hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to
the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 24, 2009, 06:38:56 pm
Grannie's retirement under national.
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/granny1.jpg)
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/granny2.jpg)
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/granny3.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 25, 2009, 08:10:33 am
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   _________________________ ___________

  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
   _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________
     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..
     ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 25, 2009, 08:11:20 am
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the
company. One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
a round here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into
the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes,
but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches
up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says... 'Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

 

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.' You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 25, 2009, 11:34:50 pm
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in
front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's
nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded doctor's room and say things like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong
with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 26, 2009, 07:41:16 am
Subject: Fw: Puns to make you cringe
I love the Ghandi one!



>1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
>ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>
>2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
>you, but don't start anything."
>
>3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
>
>4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
>says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
>taste funny to you?"
>
>7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
>sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
>Unusual."
>
>8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
>Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
>you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
>
>9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
>to look at either.
>
>10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
>
>11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>couldn't find any.
>
>12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>can't - I've cut off your arms!"
>
>13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>
>14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
>and says "Dam!".
>
>16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
>the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
>have your kayak and heat it too.
>
>17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
>standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
>After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
>to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he
>said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
>18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
>goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
>family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
>of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
>her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
>husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
>Ahmal."
>
>19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
>which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
>very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
>suffered from bad breath.
>This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super
>calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 26, 2009, 09:55:10 am
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the
young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" I'M BROKE!! And she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" "You don't have to buy
anything, I just need about 10 minutes of your time". "Just let me show you my
demonstration"!!!!!

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remai!nder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a mighty good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 26, 2009, 09:58:00 am
Two rabbits are enjoying a quiet beer at a snack bar and one rabbit says, "Im feeling a bit peckish, i think Ill have a cheese toastie"
So he orders the cheese toastie and when it arrives he chows down and in no time its gone. ten minutes later the rabbit is hungry again, so he orders a steak and egg toastie this time.
Again he chows down and feeling satisfied he goes back to chatting with the other rabbit.
Ten minutes later he feels hungry yet again, so this time he orders a hawaiian toastie with pineapples and sweet corn. Eventually he manages to finish it off and he turns to the other rabbit, and before he can say anything he falls off his stool and, he's stone cold dead, with his four feet sticking up in the air.
Well anyhoo.....the dead rabbit appears at the pearly gates and says to saint Peter. " What happened?...why did I kark it? Saint Peter cant answer him so the rabbit thinks and thinks real hard hmmmm, what did I do wrong?....and then boom!!! a flash of insight hits him and he says to himself.
I must have died from mixing me toasties"

 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 26, 2009, 01:42:37 pm
Then theres the Mike Tyson computer....two bites and no memory.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 26, 2009, 07:08:18 pm
an oldie

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here's one:




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them,

and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that small tree
Is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither
A son of a beech ... nor... A son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash

I have ever put my pecker in."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 26, 2009, 10:03:25 pm
Two fish swimming aound and one says.
"Aaaaah flounder" the othe rone says Aaaah sole"
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: ssweetpea on February 26, 2009, 11:11:18 pm
two rhymes taught to me by my mother when I was small

Ask you mother for six pence
to see the big giraffe
with pimples on his hind legs
and pimples on his
Ask your mother for six pence....

A sol
A sol
A soldier went to war
two pis
two pis
two pistols in his hands


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 27, 2009, 02:08:42 am
The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.�
You should take some time off and relax!�
Try again next year.

 ;D
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 27, 2009, 02:15:24 am
Aussie studmuffin

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells
him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this
means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him
that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes
to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the
sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and
goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again... He drives
them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just
standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds
to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

    He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home,

    falls knackered into bed.


The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife
to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,
 
"They're all sitting in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 27, 2009, 09:58:31 am
Allegedly genuine extracts from letters sent by tenants to the British equivalent of Housing New Zealand:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on February 28, 2009, 04:35:10 am
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 28, 2009, 09:38:10 am
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)
This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself :

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, ! but I wo n't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you?

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

Have a Great Day!



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 01, 2009, 09:41:10 am
Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice e in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 01, 2009, 06:44:23 pm
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.



A warm voice said, "Come on in."



When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"



"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.



"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."



"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife.



"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.



"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"



"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"



So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"



"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.



"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 01, 2009, 08:01:42 pm
THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if


you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'




I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in the car.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on March 02, 2009, 05:34:50 am
 :o


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 02, 2009, 09:37:43 am
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on March 02, 2009, 11:08:36 am
Importance of Walking


 



  1/   Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $7000 per month.

    2/    My grandpa started walking
     five miles a day when he was 60..
     Now he's 97 years old...
     and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.
     
     3/  I like long walks,
     especially when they are taken
     by people who annoy me.
     
   4/    The only reason I would take up walking
     is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
     
5/     I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     
6/      I joined a health club last year,
     spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     ...apparently you have to actually go there.
   
  7/   Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
     
8/      I do have flabby thighs,
     but fortunately my stomach covers them.

   9/    The advantage of exercising every day
     is so when you die, they'll say,
     'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
     
 10/    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country. 
   
11/     I know I got a lot of exercise
     the last few years,......
     just getting over the hill was enough.
 
12/    We all get heavier as we get older,
     because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
     AND

 13/    Every time I start thinking too much
     about how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
     and by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 03, 2009, 05:25:05 pm
Grave situation

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
 
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. 

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. 

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety asked,

'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to
haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said,

'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloomin’ women ... they think of everything!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 03, 2009, 11:21:47 pm
WARNING RISQUE!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady
turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady
replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

************************************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used
to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I
can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
about."

************************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
Adult community. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the
bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He
replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In
prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and
very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're
single..."

************************************************************************

Another two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a
community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes. Yes,
I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, be cause I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic
to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" Morris
replied.

To which the doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream
parlor in Decatur, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 04, 2009, 08:21:03 am
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
 
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning...'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same -- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 04, 2009, 09:50:15 am
One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin' of 10
glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that
he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the
feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but
all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE, I want to Love! I am a DOVE, I want
to love! Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest: again the sex
was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am
a LOON, I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,
so he brought the DUCK back to the nest . Again the sex was great, but all
the DUCK would say was...well .... you know ....





Scroll down.
















No ...... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!! What an awful mind you have!!!










Scroll a little further ....




















The Duck said, I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!

_________________________________________________________________



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 05, 2009, 07:48:50 am
An elderly couple were celebrating their golden anniversary and were out
having a few drinks together.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and
I made love to you for the first time".

"Oh Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but fun idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious/violent sex that the
policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming, the old lady's fingers clawing/scratching the old guy
s back. Finally, they both collapse, gasping/panting and trembling on the
ground.

Jesus, thinks the amazed cop. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, the old lady with a glazed happy look, and the old
man wheezing & struggling to walk, he says to them,

"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex
life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man's hoarse whisper barely able to be heard, replies:

"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric!"



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 05, 2009, 11:27:04 am
WARNING
Another sheep joke so if you are going to be offended dont read it



Cowboy Whisperer






A Cowboy meets an Australian herding sheep in the Blue Mountains.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Dog does not talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."


Aussie: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Aussie your owner?" (pointing at the Aussie)
Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Aussie: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Horse does not talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Aussie: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Aussie)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: " How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me , brushes me down
often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Aussie: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aussie: "Nah mate, thees Sheep lies."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 06, 2009, 08:07:21 am
Morning Sex


MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 06, 2009, 11:39:49 am
NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
 
 
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western
Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!  Beautiful, sunny days and warm,
balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
 
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned
home, driving air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
 
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more
mowing lawns for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of
heat?  At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising  is
taking longer than I expected.
 
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like
this.
 
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of
a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.  The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat
shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
 
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer.  And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive
over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
 
October 30th
The temperatures up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon.
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't
even go inside.  Why the hell did I ever come here?
 
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around
25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.
 
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle
him.. Fuckin' heat!  By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my
clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
 
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery
in the ol' car.  I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all
the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse.  Now the car smells like burnt hair,
fried arse and baked cat!
 
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot
and fuckin' sunny!  It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn't it ever rain in this damn
fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the fuckin' pool.  The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the
fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the
fuckers!
 
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.  Now the air conditioner's gone in my
car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'  My wife had to
spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker.
Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
 
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: HisMajesty on March 06, 2009, 04:34:35 pm
LOL. Took him 4 months to hate the place. It took me under a month to hate Brisbane! Back in the maindland people were complaning about how cold and wet it was but I had a grateful smile on my face for a few days!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 06, 2009, 08:10:25 pm
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 06, 2009, 08:26:54 pm
(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_06_03_09_1_51_58.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Alicat on March 06, 2009, 08:42:57 pm
<a href="http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http%253A%252F%252Fwww.smileycentral.com%252F%253Fpartner%253DZSzeb008%255FZNxpt485YYNZ%2526i%253D36%252F36%255F11%255F6%2526feat%253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 07, 2009, 08:02:26 am
This Guy thought he had the best Tattoo in the World


(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_06_03_09_12_57_21.bmp)



Till He went to Prison.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Crusader on March 07, 2009, 10:26:48 am
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

So the cocks fall off the dumb ones. >:D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 08, 2009, 12:39:59 pm
The Eye's Have It

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/eyeeyetittietittieeyeeye.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 08, 2009, 01:19:51 pm
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off- white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 08, 2009, 01:20:57 pm
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? 
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.   

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 09, 2009, 11:35:16 am
LITTLE FLAB!!



One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her
on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of Your
control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, She kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
bra."

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in
place, she said... "You know,

if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool man and your brother


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 09, 2009, 11:36:15 am
Reporting

Slanting the news...many a true word said in jest...
Two boys are playing with a rugby ball on the street outside Eden
Park when one is attacked by a rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took a stick and managed to wedge it
down the dog's collar and twist, choking the dog and stopping the attack.

A reporter sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

'Young Warrior Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal,' he starts
writing in his notebook.

'But I'm not a Warriors fan,' the little hero replied.

'Sorry, since we are in Auckland , I just assumed you were,' said the
reporter and starts again.

'All Black Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,....' he continued
writing in his notebook.

'I'm not an All Black fan either!' the boy said.

'I assumed everyone in Auckland was either for the Warriors or the
All Blacks. So what team DO you root for?' the reporter asked.

'I'm a Roosters and Wallaby fan!', the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

'Little B****** from Australia Kills Beloved Family Pet'
 
   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 09, 2009, 03:19:37 pm
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 09, 2009, 10:56:25 pm
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in Good
health. Do you have any medical concerns You would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold And
chilly, and then, after I have sex with her The second time, I am usually
hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything
Appears to be fine. Do you have any medical Concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?" She, too, replied that She had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He Claims
that he is usually cold and chilly after Having sex with you the first time,
and then hot and sweaty after the Second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
Usually in January and the second time is in August."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 10, 2009, 09:19:38 am
POLITE WAY TO PEE


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"I would say I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 10, 2009, 09:24:41 am
Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "She is a dog!!"

He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"

He called me a 'show off'!

When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."

The judge said, "Me too!!"

Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 10, 2009, 02:21:27 pm
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must've been scary', said the teacher ' It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say ' f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 10, 2009, 10:53:37 pm
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 11, 2009, 09:36:54 am
AIN'T LOVE GRAND.

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,

"He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,

"That's more than twice a week!

You could learn a lot from him.

" They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,

"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

PLEASE NOTE:

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 11, 2009, 07:51:58 pm
LOGICAL SCIENCE"     

Two builders (Fred & Barney) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Barney: "No way he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "he ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument continues itself for some time until the volume of beer consumed gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several schooners get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Doctor of Logical Science by profession."
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try and explain by example...Tell me, do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens."
Suit: Well, it's logical for me to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable for me to suppose that you have a reasonably large garden then?"
Fred: "Well as it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you have a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Barney: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask what he does?"
Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Barney: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Let me see now.....Do you have a goldfish?"
Barney: "Nope"
Fred: "Well there you have it then, you're a wanker!"
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: gladys2 on March 11, 2009, 08:27:23 pm


Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there .

One little boy said,

"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then He said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Lutrans , because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!"

They all joined in asking,

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"


"I think it means we're Pisspoterians.

 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 11, 2009, 08:50:10 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/afro.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 11, 2009, 11:16:27 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/grin.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 12, 2009, 01:32:08 am
One day while he was at the track betting and losing badly, Sam noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.


Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Sam watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Sam made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Sam collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Sam bet big on it, and it won.

Sam was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Sam was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Sam also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Sam knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Sam, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.


Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a bloody mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 12, 2009, 02:48:22 pm
The  Good Grandpa

A  woman in a grocery store  happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is  working his way around, saying in a controlled  voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,  "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of  here.  Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a  controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of  my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert --  the little bastard's name is Steve."
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 13, 2009, 09:46:02 am
A guy tries to get a job in his welfare office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 13, 2009, 04:57:05 pm
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 13, 2009, 04:57:55 pm
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 13, 2009, 05:00:01 pm
Husband says :“When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?”
Wife says “I clean the toilet“...
Husband says “How does that help?”
Wife says “I use your toothbrush“

 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 13, 2009, 05:07:03 pm
HYMN No.365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: GreenThumb on March 13, 2009, 07:03:15 pm
The fire truck...

 

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with  admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the firefighter said,'I don't want to tell you how  to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but  then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 13, 2009, 10:17:55 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/afro.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 13, 2009, 10:23:04 pm
Aussie Love Poem

of course i bloody love ya
you're a top notch bloody bird
when i say ya bloody gorgeous
i mean every bloody word

i swear on nanna's grave
the moment we first met
i thought you bloody bewdy!
she's the best i'll ever get!!
so ya bum is on the big side
i don't mind a bit of flab
it means that when i'm ready
there's somethin' more to grab

although ya belly isn't flat no more
don't worry, i don't care
so long as when i cuddle ya
me arms'll go round there

no sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just give into gravity
but i know ya did ya best

i'm tellin' ya the bloody truth
i'll never tell ya bloody lies
i think it's bloody sexy
ya got dimples on ya thighs

no matter wot ya look like
i'll always love ya dear
now shut up while the telly's on
and bring another beer!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 16, 2009, 10:18:52 am
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 16, 2009, 12:30:20 pm
New Drug Named

In pharmacology, [as you probably already know] all drugs have two names, a
trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also
has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is
amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
mycoxafailin, mydixadud, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and ibepokin.

Pfizer Corporation has announced that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, but
it does give new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just
good old-fashioned "stiff drinks." Pepsi will market the new concoction
under the name of "MOUNT AND DO."

BY FIZZER (pfizer)_ Makers of viagra


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 17, 2009, 05:55:32 am
Printer Problem

Dear printer repair man:
Please come to my house and check my printer.
Every time I use the printer - and I am away while it prints -
my papers are wrinkled, even shredded.
Sometimes the ink is blurred.
I hope that you can find the problem!!
Sincerely,
Concerned Computer Owner

Dear Concerned Computer Owner:
While you were gone today, I checked your printer, and I found your problem.
Please click on the attachment for the answer.
Sincerely,
Your printer repair man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QvofkIIlLk 

 :nn


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 17, 2009, 03:45:14 pm
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray -up, Bitch'
 :ncof


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 17, 2009, 09:46:01 pm
 :gpst


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 19, 2009, 08:34:09 am
SILENT BUT DEADLY
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 19, 2009, 12:18:16 pm
knew it, I knew it!!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_18_03_09_5_28_11.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 19, 2009, 03:40:34 pm
(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons/520ToughTimes19Mar09.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 19, 2009, 04:52:31 pm
(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_18_03_09_5_28_11.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 20, 2009, 06:57:30 am
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care
what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor
says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18
year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old
arsehole?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 20, 2009, 08:44:31 am
 :larf


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 21, 2009, 01:34:46 am
PROGRAMMING

Women's version:



Dear Tech Support



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programmes, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programmes such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate



-----------------



Dear Desperate



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.



If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great programme, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 21, 2009, 11:28:40 am
R18 content


























(http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/6928/flasher.png)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 22, 2009, 08:59:17 am
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (a bout 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on March 22, 2009, 11:00:22 am
BEAUTY PARLOR:   A place where women curl up and dye.
 
CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.
 
CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
 
COMMITTEE:   A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
 
DUST:   Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 
EGOTIST:   Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.
 
INFLATION:   Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:   An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:   Grape with a sunburn.
 
SECRET:   Something you tell to one person at a time.
 
SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
 
TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.
 
TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
 
YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.               
 
WRINKLES:  Something other people have,  similar to my character lines.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 22, 2009, 07:02:17 pm
(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_18_03_09_5_28_11.gif)   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: GreenThumb on March 22, 2009, 11:18:50 pm
WOMEN
WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's
20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily
walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul
and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters' vantage point,
despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk even further back behind their husbands,
and seem appear happy  to maintain the old custom.

Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once
tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight
in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'


The moral of the story is (no matter
what language you speak and where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 22, 2009, 11:48:56 pm
 :hrts   (http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_18_03_09_5_28_11.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 23, 2009, 07:53:32 am
School 1960 vs. School 2009



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.


2009 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.


2009 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2009 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 24, 2009, 08:38:05 am
The nun teaching Sunday school asks: 'When you die and go to Heaven,which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raises her hand and says: 'I think it's your hands!'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replies: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together and God must takes your hands first'.
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your legs!'
The nun looks at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?'
 Little Roy said:'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.
The nun fainted!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on March 24, 2009, 08:43:38 am
lol!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 24, 2009, 09:05:16 pm
dont mess with old people

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE SO FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, 'is someone in your house?' and he said 'no' they they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said 'Okay' and hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

'Hello, again, I just call you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within 5 minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 25, 2009, 09:24:29 am
 :wt Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.




One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.




As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'




As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!  :mc


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: gladys2 on March 25, 2009, 02:17:16 pm
Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

And she says ...

...wait for it ...

"Only when he's been drinking."

 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 26, 2009, 09:37:20 am
 :hrts


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 26, 2009, 09:39:43 am
An endearing characteristic of Australians is that they're far more direct and outspoken than most New Zealanders when dealing with the sort of elected cretin who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such communication.....



From: ozzie
To:
Sent: Monday, March 17, 2008 2:52 PM
Subject: FW:

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last six passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also....would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f * cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SH * T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p * ssed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh * t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f * cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing..... look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh * t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f * cken copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo....... that'd be too f * cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f * cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w * nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo....the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ......you f * cking morons


Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know...... someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F * CKING PAKISTAN!!!........a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.' For f * cks sake - are you all f * cking idiots

I'm done with this country it's easier to get into, than it is to get out of!
I'm staying home and hopefully my son and granddaughter won't have as much trouble trying to getting here to see me.




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 27, 2009, 09:11:30 am
The Government is always on about people getting fit so heres a simple way to help them out ...................




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. ...........

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.........

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax...............

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.............

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.................

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute...............

(Don is at this level.)

















After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Yak on March 28, 2009, 09:23:59 am
I havnt ploughed thru 8 pages to see if this has been previously posted so if it has, please forgive me.

A Pom, a Kiwi and an Aussie were driving down a country road in their car when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

The pom said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

The Kiwi echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

The Aussie just sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 28, 2009, 02:24:52 pm
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,

he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)




'Frank , for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 28, 2009, 04:09:58 pm
 :larf :dbks


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on March 28, 2009, 06:02:30 pm
 :sl


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 28, 2009, 07:12:56 pm
Quickies

Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Quickie #5 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! Y
ou NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
 The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on March 28, 2009, 09:39:47 pm
Quote
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




 Excuse me

WHY is this in jokes(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/02emteeth.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 29, 2009, 12:21:39 am
 :huh


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: bump head benny on March 29, 2009, 06:57:18 am
 :thk


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 30, 2009, 09:18:40 am
The Irish Diet


An irish man was terribly over weight so his Doctor put him on a diet .
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a full day," he said, " and then, repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds in weight. "
"Raet den," says the Irish man, and off he went.

When the Irish man returned to the clinic the Doctor was amazed to see that Paddy had lost nearly 60 pounds.
"That is amazing Paddy," the Doctor said, " you must have followed my instructions to the letter?"
The Irish man nodded, ... "I tell ya, doe, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I t'aut I wuz gunna drop down daeid on dat turd day!
"From hunger, you mean ?"...
" No fraem all dat fokkin skippin, " the "Irish man said.   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on March 30, 2009, 06:44:10 pm
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION       

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about....'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24... My mother taught me WISDOM
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...' 
 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on March 30, 2009, 06:50:48 pm
lol.

 :sl


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on March 30, 2009, 06:59:00 pm
My stepmother once taught me about actions and reaction - and kinetic energy to boot, all in one simple equation.

She made me a milkshake - I returned it to her air-mail style (she said something about my real mom which pushed my button), she then proceeded to chase me down the road in the car, literally trying to run me over.

The simplest, shortest and most effective lesson ever!

 :)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 30, 2009, 08:46:28 pm
 :larf  (http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_18_03_09_5_28_11.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 01, 2009, 09:31:23 am
Speaking of Ozzies:

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one
guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't Help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am
I! And where about From Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first guy responds, 'So
am I!' 'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived On McCleary Street
in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did

I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?' The other guy
answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, Of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I Graduated in 1964.' The
first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be Smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our Good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's In 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits Down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking His head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 'The Murphy twins are drunk
again.'







Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on April 01, 2009, 10:43:30 pm
The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 02, 2009, 12:47:24 pm
   Best Menopause Question Ever

  Q:
 How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
 bulb?
 
Woman's Answer:
One!
 ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
 don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out
 And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the fuckin lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME FUCKIN SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
 THE FUCKIN LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
 OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
 
  ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
 IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS SHITHOUSE ! AND
 DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FUCKIN TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
 
I'm sorry.

  What was the question?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 02, 2009, 01:09:06 pm
 larfed  so much I pasta water  (http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_06_03_09_1_51_58.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 03, 2009, 03:36:31 pm
Who is your real friend?




This really works...!

 If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
 Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 03, 2009, 03:37:33 pm
Young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe,
Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two dollars in 10 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay'
home  to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she  had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this,' said the bank  cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier. 'Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment  and
said...
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Bunning's deliver the f*cking  frames
 and it doesn't piss down with rain .'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 03, 2009, 08:43:26 pm
 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
 The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
 The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'
 The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
 The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
 The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on April 04, 2009, 06:28:38 pm
A young lass went to winz with her newborn to apply for the dpb. The gentleman caseworker took down all her details, fairly straightforwardly until it came to the question of paternity. The young girl explained that the only night she could have fallen pregnant was when she attended a party. She told the caseworker, "it was dark, the man came up behind me, took advantage of the fact that I had had too much to drink, and had his way with me. I didn't see his face, nor did I hear him say a word".
So the disappointed caseworker states, "So you have no idea who he was?"
She answered, "well, I think he may have been one of the top order batsmen from the Black Caps"
He looked at her, puzzled and said "Ok, you didn't see his face, you didn't hear him speak - what makes you think he was a Black Caps batsman?"
She replied........
















............"He didn't stay in long"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 05, 2009, 10:59:20 am
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
 His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 06, 2009, 08:33:12 am
Catholic Dog

 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company..  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'
 Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not;  we cannot have services for an animal in the church..  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
 Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
 Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 07, 2009, 09:42:32 am
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.  'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS.  Can you help us?'
'I can!'
 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 'I do!'
 'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 'He will.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 07, 2009, 06:14:12 pm
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues:
 Man:  'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 Priest:  'Are you sorry for your sins?'
  Man:  'What sins?'
 Priest:  'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 Man:  'I'm Jewish.'
 Priest:  'Why are you telling me all this?'
 Man:  'I'm 92 years old ....  I'm telling everybody!'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 08, 2009, 09:26:11 am
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. 

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
 
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder

in Australia and here I am in Dublin ..  When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
 
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
 
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way

... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. 

 One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.   

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
 
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."
 
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!  ‘Tis me .... I've quit drinking!"
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on April 08, 2009, 09:45:59 am
Lol.. this thread has become a part of my morning routine - I always look forward to Don waking up and posting a new one.

Thanks Don - great job!!!

(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/39emthup.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 08, 2009, 10:15:18 am
(http://www.smfforfree.com/gallery/xtranewscommunity2/14_07_04_09_3_14_45.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on April 08, 2009, 11:58:45 am
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 08, 2009, 10:05:39 pm
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1.. He called everyone brother

2.. He liked Gospel

3.. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2.. He lived at home until he was 33

3.. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother

was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on April 08, 2009, 10:47:58 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/afro.gif)   (http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 09, 2009, 10:07:40 am
Brothel Trip 

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 '90!' replies the woman.  'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.  'How much do I owe you?'


 
  Senility

 An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.  'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on April 09, 2009, 10:40:45 am
Brothel Trip 

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 '90!' replies the woman.  'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.  'How much do I owe you?'


PMSL!!!

(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/02emteeth.gif)
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/39emthup.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on April 09, 2009, 10:41:41 am
hahahaha NICE


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 09, 2009, 07:19:22 pm
Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on April 09, 2009, 07:28:32 pm
Something corny and cheesy for Easter.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to  Orlando  , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA  from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read

'$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in  Atlanta  . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in  Orlando  and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan ,  Australia ,
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to  New Zealand to see if Kiwis had the same phone.
He arrived in Wellington  and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone,

But this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same

Golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call'.       




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: GreenThumb on April 09, 2009, 08:14:42 pm
Cannot remember if I‘ve sent this out before
 
 

   

    I was recently diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder
   
    This is how it manifests:
   
    I decide to water my flower tubs in the front garden.
   
    As I go to turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing..
   
    I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice the mail on
the porch table..
   
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
   
    I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under
the table, and notice that the bin is full.
   
    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
rubbish first.
   
    But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.
   
    I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one
cheque left.
   
    My other cheque book is in the computer desk, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
   
    I'm going to look for my other cheque book, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
   
    The Coke is getting warm so I decide to put it in the fridge to keep
it cold.
   
    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
window ledge catches my eye -they need water.
   
    I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
   
    I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm
going to water the flowers.
   
    I put the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container
with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. I must have left it on the
kitchen table.
   
    I realise that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
   
    I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor.
   
    So, I set the remote back on the table, get a towel and wipe up the
spill.
   
    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
   
    At the end of the day:
   
    The flower tubs aren't watered;
   
    The car isn't washed;
   
    The bills aren't paid;
   
    There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;
   
    The flowers in the vase don't have enough water;
   
    There is still only one cheque in my cheque book;
   
    I can't find the remote;
   
    I can't find my glasses;
   
    I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.
   
    Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
   
    I realise this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
   
    Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone I know, because I
don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 10, 2009, 09:00:45 am
MANAGEMENT 101
READ & LEARN!





Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand

up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to
be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there...



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 10, 2009, 09:45:38 pm
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 11, 2009, 09:01:10 am
Walking On Course
==================

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
 
 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on April 11, 2009, 03:17:51 pm
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.''

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Jphnny instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed. Johnny has put so much thought into this. 'Well Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 12, 2009, 12:17:11 am
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 12, 2009, 08:58:51 am
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
 

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s'.. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away.. God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others.'

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.   


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will
save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.


'Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 12, 2009, 08:50:46 pm
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 13, 2009, 07:57:53 am
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on April 13, 2009, 08:41:13 am
 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 13, 2009, 09:18:12 pm
TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T:   
10. I need to whip it out by 5.   
9. Mind if I use your laptop?   
8. Just stick it in my box.   
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!   
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits   there! 

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T:   

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.   
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.   
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.   
7. Look at the size of his putter.   
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.   
5. Mind if I join your threesome?   
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.   
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be   desired.

1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.



TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5 .Better leave the handcuffs on.   
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!   
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?   
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 14, 2009, 07:53:50 am
Subject: Wisdom 
 
 
Q:  What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A:  Shoot him again.

Q:  How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A:  When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q:  Why do little boys whine?
A:  Because they are practicing to be men.

Q:  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q:  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A:  Trustworthy.

Q:  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A:  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q:  Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A:  Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q:  Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after Mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q:  Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A:  Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q:  What is the difference between men and women?
A:  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q:  How does a man keep his youth?
A:  By giving her money and diamonds.

Q:  How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A:  Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on April 14, 2009, 08:50:40 am
 ;D   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: DazzaMc on April 14, 2009, 10:06:41 am
Lol... Good one!
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/02emteeth.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 14, 2009, 09:41:52 pm
Subject: Dressing up
 
 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 15, 2009, 09:06:24 am
And the most NZ thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in NZ can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in NZ do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their panadol, lemsip etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in NZ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in  NZ do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in NZ do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in NZ do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in NZ are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 16, 2009, 09:58:30 am
NOT TO MENTION...

1    New Zealander dies each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue..

42 New Zealanders were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

22 New Zealanders are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

5   New Zealanders have died since 1994 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

New Zealand Hospitals reported 2 broken or dislocated arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.   

Around 50 New Zealanders are burnt each year ironing their clothes while still wearing them

9 New Zealanders had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new top with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 143 New Zealanders were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth

And finally...

In 2003---14 New Zealanders were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
 

     



     
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 16, 2009, 09:05:21 pm
"Being a New Zealander is about driving in a European car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, whilst travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows, on a Japanese TV, through a Chinese Sky decoder.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 17, 2009, 09:14:47 am
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
     and
It's all organized by the Swiss..

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
     and
It's all organized by the Italians.
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on April 17, 2009, 09:28:36 am
 ;D ;D Thanks for keeping it real DQ


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 17, 2009, 09:13:31 pm
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years. 
 

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
 

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
 
 
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
 

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
   

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
 

Dyslexics Have More Nuff


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on April 17, 2009, 10:25:16 pm
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 18, 2009, 09:56:49 am
No matter what Moshe did in bed his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel.

The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:

'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 19, 2009, 09:38:35 am
Cant remember whether this has been posted before but is funny enough to be repeated.   



in  a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
 A  nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of  the buttons on the wall.
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
        Each  button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who  would know if he touched them?   
 He  couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What  a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

 Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm
 water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP  button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of
 spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was  more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be  supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened" he asked''







You pushed the ATR button.








which was the automatic











 Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 20, 2009, 08:53:23 am
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he

doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on

the kerb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver 'Would you please take

your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive

at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to

work that morning.


'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the

airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but

the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear

God, I'm gonna lose my licence,' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing 105mph.


'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.


The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'Governor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Damn me,' said the Chief, 'just who the hell is that big?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f*########*g Pope as a chauffeur!'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 21, 2009, 09:31:10 am
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"

Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............

No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on April 21, 2009, 11:00:02 am
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 22, 2009, 10:00:21 am
local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal! 




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on April 22, 2009, 10:51:15 am
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 23, 2009, 09:55:51 am
One day little Johnny was in class when the teacher let go of a ripper of a fart.

She then turns around and blames it on Johnny and says, "Johnny stop that!"

Johnny then jumps onto his desk and says, "Which way did it go?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 23, 2009, 07:00:59 pm
Samoan words of the day (just say this outloud when your reading it, it makes more sense that way)

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8... *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one piece left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
har-ass-ment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on April 23, 2009, 07:02:56 pm
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 24, 2009, 09:17:09 am
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on April 24, 2009, 09:42:39 am
 ;D I won't go there.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 25, 2009, 12:57:36 am
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 25, 2009, 10:52:23 am
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 26, 2009, 10:30:32 am

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here." No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 27, 2009, 09:54:01 am
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at
the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her
manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on
them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is
told
and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my
girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
a witch, why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I
gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 28, 2009, 08:36:14 am
1. HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY

Today the Crusaders"

 lost, but at least I got laid.




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Calliope on April 28, 2009, 01:05:42 pm
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He
calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the
parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for
fifteen dollars?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name -
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going
on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off
to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).


He claimed he was stranded a n d needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.


So I did.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 29, 2009, 09:45:39 am
- I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a
Frenchman a C# nt.

 *********

 +++++++++++++++++

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said

"morning."

He replied,

"No, just having a sh ! t."

********************

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow but f#ck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

>>>>>>>>>> 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,

so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> 

I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

**********

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w @ nking. When I asked why she said,

"Because I'm trying to examine you!" 

>>>>>>>>>>> 

 I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,

"What's up Abdul, won't it f#cking start?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fcked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies!!

 

  >>>>>>>>>>>>>

 A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a KitKat, Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man,

"I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b ! tch."
  >>>>>>>>>>>>






Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 30, 2009, 08:06:08 am
announced in church services:

 

 

 

 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon  tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a  conflict.
------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery  downstairs.
------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:"Break Forth Into Joy."
----------------- -------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may  be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 01, 2009, 09:27:54 am
  LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
       
      A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's
driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
       
      The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies,
'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to  Melbourne !'
       
      The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
       
      The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops
driving his Imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your
trip?' Kenny Says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into  Melbourne and I need
some rest.'
      'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

       
      The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into
Another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating
Vigorously.
       
      Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
       
      To which Davo replies,
       
      'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in  Melbourne '.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 02, 2009, 09:23:52 am
Try this stress test - it really works!
 
Subject: Stress management - read carefully
 
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.



2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.



3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.



4. No one knows your secret place.



5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.



6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.



7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 02, 2009, 05:25:22 pm
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
--------------------------------------

Preserve the Magpie
(in formaldehyde)
--------------------------------------

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
-------------------------------------

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 -----------------------------------

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
-------------------------------------

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
---------------------------------------

I am having an out-of-money experience.
 -------------------------------------------

Don't sweat the petty things.
Pet the sweaty things.
 -------------------------------------

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
----------------------------------------

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
-----------------------------------------


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 03, 2009, 10:17:57 am

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DIC.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 04, 2009, 09:10:08 am
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in 'the act'.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 05, 2009, 08:33:31 am

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 05, 2009, 09:37:20 pm
Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 06, 2009, 08:30:38 am
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 07, 2009, 09:35:24 am
A kiwi stuck his head into an Aussie barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can
get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2
hours.’ The kiwi left.

A few days later, the same kiwi guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How
long before I can get a haircut?’

The Aussie barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’ The guy
left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long
before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.’ The
guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, ‘So, where does that guy go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 08, 2009, 09:59:08 am
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

"Wow!" says the othe guy "It's a good job we didn't catch any more!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 09, 2009, 09:37:16 am
Daddy Longlegs
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 09, 2009, 04:14:01 pm
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'





Mrs . Smith fainted.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 16, 2009, 08:11:02 am
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT LIFE?   

 

Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

 

Why women can't put on mascara

with their mouth closed?

 

Why you don't ever see the headline:

'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

 

Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

 

Why Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

 

Why you have to click on 'Start'

to stop Windows 98?

 

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

 

Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?

 

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

 

Who tastes dog food when it has a

'new & improved' flavour?

 

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

 

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

 

Why they are called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Why they call the airport 'the terminal'

if flying is so safe?

 

AND...

 

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

 

On a Myer hairdryer:

'Do not use while sleeping'.

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

 

On a bag of Chips:

You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

 

On a bar of Palmolive soap:

'Directions:  Use like regular soap'.

(And that would be how???)

 

On some frozen dinners:

'Serving suggestion:  Defrost'

(But, it's just a suggestion).

 

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert

(Printed on bottom):

'Do not turn upside down'.

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

'Product will be hot after heating'.

(And you thought????...)

 

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

'Do not iron clothes on body'.

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'..

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.

(And...I'm taking this because???)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights:

'For indoor or outdoor use only'..

(As opposed to...what?)

 

On a Japanese food processor:

'Not to be used for the other use'.

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I'm a bit curious.)

 

On Nobby's peanuts:

'Warning: contains nuts'.

(Talk about a news flash!)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

'Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts'.

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:

'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

 

On a Swedish chainsaw:

'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 17, 2009, 09:31:24 pm
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 54 years ago!



'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for 10.00.Quid


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before 2, 000.00 pounds will only buy a used one.


'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 2/6 pence  a pack is ridiculous.


'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 1 shilling just to mail a letter


'If they raise the minimum wage to 10/-, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.


'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 1/9d a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.


'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.


'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in  Texas  .


'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.


'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.


'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.


'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.


'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.


'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.


'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.


'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly 15/- a night to stay in a hotel.


'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at 1pound15/- a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'


'If they think I'll pay 5/- cents for a hair cut, forget it.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 18, 2009, 11:56:56 am
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC  SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
 
2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?


3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.   
 
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
 
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
 
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
 
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
 
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
   
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
 
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 18, 2009, 03:03:37 pm
The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 19, 2009, 10:27:39 am
The Ageing Process
"I have become a little older since I saw you last. A few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old girl and I am seeing several gentlemen every day.
"As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed. Then I visit John. Next it is time for Mr Kellog followed by the refreshing company of Mr Tetley or his friend, whom I call just by his initials, PG.
"Then comes someone I do not like - Arthur Ritis. He knows that he is not welcome but he insists and, what is worse, he stays for the rest of the day. He does not like to stay in one place at a time so he takes me from joint to joint.
"After such a busy day, I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Johnny Walker. What a life.
"Oh yes, I am also flirting with Al Zeimer.
"The vicar called the other day and said that, at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do that all the time. No matter where I am, in the bedroom, kitchen, sitting room or even in the garden, I stop and ask myself ... now what am I here after?"

 

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 20, 2009, 09:56:32 am
STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever win s gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

always overcome youth and arrogance!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 20, 2009, 09:18:21 pm
Two women were playing golf. One tee'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied, although he was clearly still in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked "How does that feel?". He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 21, 2009, 10:07:09 am
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQs



He created night for going fishing,sleeping

and BBQs,and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQs on the beach and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt
and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .... well, almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was bloody awesome!


IT WAS  AUSTRALIA !!!!!





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 22, 2009, 09:43:58 am

 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act.. But instead, I found him all by himself in
the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under
all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
& finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive


PRICELESS!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 23, 2009, 08:32:51 am
CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'Earnest Adams' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 24, 2009, 10:27:33 am


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing  nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 24, 2009, 10:28:25 am
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress  is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 25, 2009, 08:57:37 am

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

Boats curves never sag.

Boats last longer.

Boats don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

Boats don't have parents.

Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Boat with your friends.

If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

Boats always feel like going for a ride.

Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

Boats don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: relaxed1 on May 25, 2009, 10:06:18 am
  This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
 rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
 choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


 Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
 and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
 or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
 dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
 in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
 revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
 to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
 you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

 Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
 haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
 can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just
 a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
 what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
 Isn't the human body amazing?

 As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
 quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
 monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
 bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
 swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
 it's a tough time for most women.

 The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
 crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
 reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
 painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
 opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
 were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

 Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
 middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
 happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
 above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
 you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
 about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
 and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
 local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
 your life in a blaze of glory.

 For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
 moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
 something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

 Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
 immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
 chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
 certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
 Always.

 Best,

 Wendi Aarons
  Austin , Tx

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on May 25, 2009, 04:08:21 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 25, 2009, 04:30:18 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/shocked.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/crazy2.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/smiley.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on May 25, 2009, 05:13:36 pm
Sounds like she needs therapy. ::)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on May 26, 2009, 03:35:28 pm
Annette and Patti are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
  
Annette pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
  
Patti: What in the hell is that?
  
Annette: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
  
Patti: Where did you get it?
  
Annette: You can get them at any drugstore.
  
The next day, Patti hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms.
  
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed,
looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks
what brand of condom she prefers.
  
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
  
  
The pharmacist fainted.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 29, 2009, 12:35:47 pm
>
>
> Subject: FW: The Man Rules .
>
>
>   The Man Rules
>   At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
>
>
>   Finally , the guys' side of the story.
>  ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
>   We always hear " the rules"
>   From the female side.
>
>   Now here are the rules from the male side.
>
>   These are our rules!
>   Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
>   ON PURPOSE!
>
> 1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
>   (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
>   You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>   We need it up, you need it down.
>   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
>
> 1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
>   or the changing of the tides.
>   Let it be.
>
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 1. Ask for what you want.
>   Let us be clear on this one:
>   Subtle hints do not work!
>   Strong hints do not work!
>   Obvious hints do not work!
>   Just say it!
>
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
>   we do.
>   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..
>
>
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>   Don't ask us..
>
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
>   makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one
>
> 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
>   Not both.
>   If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
>
> 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>   commercials
>
>
> 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
>   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
> We
>   have no idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
>   nothing's wrong.
>   We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
>
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
>    don't want to hear.
>
> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
>   Really .
>
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
>   discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
>
> 1. You have enough clothes.
>
> 1. You have too many shoes.
>
> 1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!
>
> 1. Thank you for reading this.
>    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
>
>
> But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
>
> Pass this to as many men as you can -
> to give them a laugh.
>
>
> Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
>
>
>


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 30, 2009, 07:53:59 pm
http://cid-6989c1ca6ad7f69f.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/.Public/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.mpeg
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/smiley.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on June 01, 2009, 06:28:28 pm
The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 03, 2009, 08:25:23 am
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
 
 "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
 gets off at the next stop.
 
 The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
 
   "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
 
 "Yeah?", says the hippie.
 
 "Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
 
 The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
 
 "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
 face.  "Have sex with me."
 
 The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
 
 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
 
 "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
 
 "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on June 03, 2009, 12:08:02 pm
Chuck and Danny, went camping in the high mountains for several weeks. For so long in fact, that they grew tired of one another's company and began to quarrel daily. One morning Danny decided they should try a day apart and proposed that he walk West and Chuck should walk East.
Chuck agreed and they planned to meet back at camp at sunset. They set off in opposite directions with brisk strides.

Chuck returned first, started a fire and began to prepare supper. The sun was just a glimmer over the horizon and the first stars had begun to gleam before Danny struggled into camp with a weary smile. Tired as he was, Danny went for water and firewood, as the camp rules required. After supper was finished and the utensils cleaned, Chuck began to talk about his day.

"It was a wonderful day, my friend," began Chuck. "I walk farther up the mountain than we've ever been. About noon I found a wonderful little valley with a lovely, cold lake. I skinny-dipped a while, quietly ate some lunch and watched the animals come to drink and wash. Then I dressed and came back to camp. All in all, a great day."

Danny was real quiet like a man trying to hold on to a pleasant thought until Chuck asked, "How was your day?"

In a peaceful, dreamy voice Danny replied, "Marvellous! I walked downhill until I found a railroad track and followed it a ways. I saw a women lying near the track, all tied up. Man! What a great body! I untied her and carried her under the trees. We had sex several times. It was a little harder to get hard to get in that pussy each time and the last time I thought I would just pass out with the effort. But, I made it!!," Danny sighed with a soft, remembering smile.

By this time Chuck was almost beside himself with excitement. "Damn, man," he whispered. "Did you get a blow job, too?"

"No," said Danny with a frown. "I never did find her head."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on June 03, 2009, 07:34:34 pm
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought...... Soon he sees another sign which reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.



Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: - SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'



'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE.



YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.



SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 03, 2009, 08:12:21 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/afro.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 04, 2009, 08:09:09 pm
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you."said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
 
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 05, 2009, 11:22:28 am
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and  a half-empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He  opened his
newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father,  what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living,
being with  cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt
for your fellow man,  sleeping around with prostitutes and
lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be  damned, "
Then returned to  his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and  apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on
so strong. How long  have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just
reading here   that the Pope does."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on June 05, 2009, 12:20:29 pm
This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by an Inspector from the Ministry of Agriculture & Fisheries (MAF).


He says to the Maori fella "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".

The Maori fella says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."

The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".

Then the Maori fella says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.

The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."

The Maori fella says "What crayfish??"




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 06, 2009, 10:12:33 am
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
 middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be
put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem  to
 have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now  sir you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 07, 2009, 10:30:59 am
... An interesting fact

Manure:? In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it  was a golf term !


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 09, 2009, 08:07:06 am
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
 after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
 
 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
 I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
 I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
 I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
 I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
 when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
 give me a hard time about it.
 Those are my rules. Any comments?"
 
 His new bride said:
 "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
 here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
 
 (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
 
 ************ ************************************
 
Marriage (Part II)

 
 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
 The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
 that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
 that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
 
 (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

 
*****************************************
 
Marriage (Part III)

 
 Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
 good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
 
 After some time he realizes he was nasty and
 decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says

 
"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
 
 She says, "I was in bed."
 
 "In bed this early, doing what?"
 
 "Getting a second opinion!"
 
 (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
 
 *****************************************
 
Marriage (Part IV)

 
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
 wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
 
 One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it IS time to go home and

wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
 
 His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
 shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
 
 (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
 
 *****************************************
 
THE SILENT TREATMENT

 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
 and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
 to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
 of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
 was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
 
 Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
 noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
 
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests...

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
 is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on June 09, 2009, 04:15:13 pm


Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

 
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.   

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

 
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

 
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"


One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. 

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

 
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

 
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

 
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. 


Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

 
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 10, 2009, 09:56:28 am
Dear wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: relaxed1 on June 11, 2009, 07:49:42 am
Potentially And Realistically..............

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,and ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me
what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "! Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could
buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: relaxed1 on June 11, 2009, 08:01:06 am
Just the other day while i was making dinner "friends " were on tv and the word "lesbian" comes up my grandaughter of 6 asks

Nana what does lesbian mean...damn i scrambled for something to say...hmmm i thinks it's a French word...i quickly went to my hubby and told him and asked him what he would say...he pondered for a sec and with all his mighty wisdom said...I would of said it means good friends...hmmm My son pipes in and says i can see it now Laela walks into her class room with her best friend Trinity and tells the teacher the Trinity is the best lesbian ever...lmao so French it is!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 11, 2009, 11:41:10 am
 Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .


"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


ALL the other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


"Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!"
"Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!" 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 13, 2009, 11:03:13 am
>A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so
he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied
while he was gone.
>
>He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---"  and
he stopped..
>
>
>"Except what?" the man asked.
>
>
>"Nothing, nothing."
>
>"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
>
>"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
Penis."
>
>"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
>
>The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and
there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
>
>The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"
>
>The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
>
>The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
>
>Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
>
>The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet
once more.
>
>"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>
>The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
>
>After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
>
>
>The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
>
>After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her,still thrusting.
>
>She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
>
>Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
>
>She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
>
>A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
>Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink,
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch
and it won't stop screwing me!"
>
>The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right..........  Voodoo Penis, my ass."
>
>
>The rest is history....



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 14, 2009, 10:03:16 am
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Yak on June 14, 2009, 10:29:54 am
Quote
Voodoo Penis, my ass."
>
>
>The rest is history....

I have this picture of his donkey braying and frantically running across the country...........


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 15, 2009, 10:28:32 am
BILL 'EM: DEAD OR ALIVE

A reader writes: "This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die -- just in case."

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, and now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number given)

After the fax was received:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Some urban myths are too good to believe but deserve to be spread.






Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 17, 2009, 10:19:42 am
God Bless Elderly Ladies!
   



Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit..! Am I driving..?"

.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 19, 2009, 08:30:23 pm
AMAZING AND SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
4. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

daily thought:
some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

 



 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 20, 2009, 09:50:47 am
Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,
he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 

 He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 21, 2009, 03:34:08 am
I cnt remember if this has been posted before 
you have to click the icon on the left and it will ask you if you want to download and you can either open it or sve it..

http://cid-6989c1ca6ad7f69f.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/.Public/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.mpeg


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on June 21, 2009, 08:14:36 am
The link isn't working properly DonQ.  (http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/05emsmilep.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on June 21, 2009, 03:40:21 pm
Talking about elderly ladies....

A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse entrance.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door.
"I want to join your club," she says.
Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she needs to meet certain requirements to be part of their gang.
"Do you have a motorcycle?" he says.
"Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there."
Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway.
"Do you drink?" he continues.
"Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in you club under the table."
"Do you smoke?" "Smoke?" she hoots.
"Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney. In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints, and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table."
"Wow," says the biker, impressed.
"You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Nope" says the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few times."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on June 21, 2009, 03:45:08 pm
Martha aged 80 lost her husband. She had him cremated took his ashes home and poured them out on the patio table. Tracing her fingers through them she spoke to him. Bob, remember the dishwasher you promised me, I bought it with your insurance money, the car you promised me, I bought that, and the diamond ring, bought that too. Remember the blow job I promised you ?....Well here it comes !!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on June 21, 2009, 04:12:35 pm
 (http://www.cheesebuerger.de/images/more/bigs/c008.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 21, 2009, 04:13:38 pm
TRY THIS.

you have to click the icon on the left and it will ask you if you want to download and you can either open it or sve it..

http://cid-6989c1ca6ad7f69f.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/.Public/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.mpeg


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on June 21, 2009, 04:20:25 pm
  You have given me bad ideas DonQ  ;D 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 23, 2009, 09:37:52 am
THE VICAR'S SALARY

 

 

 

 

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Ian Follings, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on June 23, 2009, 01:23:21 pm
RING RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG



**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

 


**After a brief pause,**



**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


 



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**




 



Brief Pause.

 


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

 



**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

 



**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

 



**'I did it, Daddy.'**


 **'And what happened, honey?' **

 

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

 



**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**



**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

 



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

 



**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it..**

 


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****

 




*****Longer Pause*****




 

*****Even Longer Pause*****



 



**Then Daddy says,**

 



**'Swimming pool?  ...........**

 



**Is this 486-5731?'*







 

**No, I think you have the wrong number



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 24, 2009, 09:49:02 am

>
>>>A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to  spend the night with
>>>her for $500.
>>>
>>>They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
>>>not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
>>>cheque and mail it to her,  calling the payment
>>>
>>>     "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
>>>
>>>
>>>On the way to the office, he regretted what he  had done, realizing
>>>that the whole event had not  been worth the price. So he had his
>>>secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed
>>>note:
>>>
>>>
>>>"Dear Madam:
>>>
>>>Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of  your apartment. I am not
>>>sending the amount agreed  upon, because when I rented the place, I was
>>
>>>under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied;  #2 - there
>>
>>>was plenty of heat; and  #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy
>>>and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously
>>>occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too
>>>large."
>>>
>>>Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
>>>for $250 with the following  note:
>>>
>>>
>>>" Dear Sir:
>>>
>>>     #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
>>> apartment to remain
>>>     unoccupied indefinitely.. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty
>>> of it, if  you
>>>     know how to turn it on.. #3 - Regarding the space, the
>>> apartment is indeed of
>>>     regular size, but if you don't have enough  furniture to fill
>>> it, please do
>>>     not blame the  management. So, Please send the rent in full or
>>> we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
>>>
>>>Getting the note, the businessman hurriedly paid the full amount.
>>



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on June 25, 2009, 03:50:41 pm
What happens when penguins die?


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





'Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on June 26, 2009, 02:10:32 pm
Apologies to my Irish Grandmother.........

Irelands worst air disater struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetary, Irish rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies. Digging continues....


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 27, 2009, 07:27:01 am
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


     *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


      *     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


         *           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


       *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *       *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on June 27, 2009, 07:04:19 pm

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters




From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go fuck yourself.




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your Indonesian Aerial Survey company (crypytic), this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my Indonesian Aerial Survey company (crypytic) was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: GreenThumb on June 29, 2009, 09:54:50 pm
lol funny email doing the rounds , about as silly as watching someone shoot a BB at their thigh thinking it wont hurt  ;D
 
Quote
            Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!  It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

            Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

            Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
           
            What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

            WAY TOO COOL!

            Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

            Nothing! I was disappointed.

            I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

            AWESOME!!!

            Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

            Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

            There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

            I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

            But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

            Am I wrong?

            So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

            The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

            All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


            What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

            I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

            I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
            HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ....... WHAT THE HELL!!!

            I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

            I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

            The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

            Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

            You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

            SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

             A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

            My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

            My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

            Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

            I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

            P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

            If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

             


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 30, 2009, 10:09:05 am
Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
 
 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
Q. Why are fish so smart

A. Because they swim in schools!
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 
Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Thumb'

- A temporary hook holder

What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Knot'?

- The insecure connection between your fly hook and your
fishing line

What is the definition of a 'live bait'?

- The biggest fish you will handle all day

What is the definition of a 'Treble Hook'?

- A hook that trebles the odds of you catching a fish but
quadruples the odds of you getting it caught in your thumb

What is the definition of an 'Angler'?

- An obsessive individual who owns a house that is falling
down due to neglect
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 01, 2009, 10:15:10 am

SMART ARSE COMEBACKS 2008

6th  Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









5th  Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------








4th  Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









3rd  Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------









2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------










SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2008


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 03, 2009, 10:14:37 am
I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife...

...best trade I ever made.
 
 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
Q. Where do fish sleep?

A. In a river bed
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
"I caught a twenty pound salmon last week."

"Were there any witnesses?"

"There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds."
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
I only fish on dem derre days that ind wit -day.
 
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out?

I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
What do fish and women have in common?

They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them !
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 04, 2009, 06:37:11 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-goUeMIJ6eU
.................


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 04, 2009, 10:12:00 pm
The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 05, 2009, 10:30:25 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6J3OD4Z0UQ


..



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on July 07, 2009, 02:15:38 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons/728InterspaceTours06Jul09.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: relaxed1 on July 09, 2009, 12:09:10 pm
Hallmark Cards You Will Never See

How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends,
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."


"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me, like the need for therapy."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age—almost lifelike!"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday—so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only in Alabama.)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 10, 2009, 09:09:59 am
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'





Mrs . Smith fainted.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 11, 2009, 11:36:07 am
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because most women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 14, 2009, 11:02:19 am
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:


" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? You're crazy to go to Rome It's crowded and dirty. So how are you getting there?

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental, exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called "Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.


And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who messed up your hair?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 15, 2009, 11:41:55 am
A young student asked the master "Why do farts stink?"
after some deliberation, the master said
"Young man, farts stink, so that even deaf people can enjoy them"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 15, 2009, 08:08:30 pm
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ..
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you realize,


you have been listening to your ipod.
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/undecided.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on July 15, 2009, 08:13:26 pm
A young student asked the master "Why do farts stink?"
after some deliberation, the master said
"Young man, farts stink, so that even deaf people can enjoy them"
;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on July 16, 2009, 06:50:46 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDYsSQ0qTUQ&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=B4F794982679EB74.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 16, 2009, 12:11:50 pm
 :)Poor Louie!


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.



When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!



Notto be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
Shecalled the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.



In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.


My relief was short-lived.





Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me,and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as Ireached for my wallet.

What could I do?




The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on July 16, 2009, 03:57:01 pm
Helen Clarke, when Prime Minister of New Zulland,was awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.

PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?
 
PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
 
Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?
 
PM: I'll call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".
 
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 16, 2009, 08:12:15 pm
 :D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 17, 2009, 10:41:24 am
SCHOOL--
1957 vs. 2007

Scenario
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,

goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail

and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 Crowd gathers. Mark wins.

Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 -Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.

Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state

because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 -Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario

Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.

Newspaper articles appear nationally

explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up

mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents,

siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list

and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on July 17, 2009, 07:47:37 pm
Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

"What do you do about it?" asked the first.

"I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply.

The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer and asked,

"Who drives you to the beach?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on July 17, 2009, 07:48:17 pm
A woman goes the doctors for her annual checkup and is told she only has 24 hours to live.
She rushes home, explains to her husband and says: "I want to spend my last night having non-stop, wild, crazy sex."

"Well, that's easy for you to say," her husband replies, "you don't have to get up in the morning."



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on July 17, 2009, 07:51:11 pm
A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on July 17, 2009, 07:58:25 pm
A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues

(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on July 17, 2009, 08:04:20 pm
A bride on her wedding day night says to her husband 'I must confess darling I used to be a hooker'. He says 'thats alright dear your past is your past but I must admit, I find it erotic, tell me about it'. The wife says 'my name is Nigel and I played for Cardiff Blues

(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)

I thought we could all do with a few laffs Shef  ;)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on July 17, 2009, 08:13:18 pm
Last one...

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday.The rich man says I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and she is still happy.The poor man says I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fup herself.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on July 17, 2009, 08:24:19 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)

I'm sending that to Mr S, wonder which he'll buy me(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/grin.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 17, 2009, 08:26:21 pm
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/HeHe.gif)  (http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/WaveThumbsUp-sm.gif)   x


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 17, 2009, 08:27:07 pm
(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/Blowupbaloon.jpg)

(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/bangcock.jpg)


(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/cheerup.jpg)



(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/fuckoff.jpg)


(http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/animations/roundincircles.gif)

x


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on July 18, 2009, 09:06:31 am
After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."

 
"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 24, 2009, 10:09:48 am
The Geography of a Woman !

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa ; half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe ; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece ; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel ; has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of
business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet ; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ; ruled by nuts. 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 25, 2009, 08:04:22 am


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but 
the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:


'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

 

Moral of this story....

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.


I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

 

You did notice the size of the print?


 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on July 25, 2009, 08:36:55 am
Why God Loves Blondes:

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God,  please let me win the lottery!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business, my house, and my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask You for help, and I've  always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on July 26, 2009, 02:39:18 pm
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.  The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally..........................

In New Zealand, they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on July 29, 2009, 08:42:21 pm


Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***ked if he needed glasses  ;)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on July 30, 2009, 08:44:29 pm
    Painting the Church

    There was a Scottish painter named  Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to ake     it go a wee bit further.

        As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..

    Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..
           

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

     

     

    (you're going to love this)




















 



    "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

     

     
       

     

     

   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on July 30, 2009, 11:27:43 pm
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near  Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.




Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:














"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




(I am soooooo sorry....... But you really should've seen that coming) ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: ssweetpea on July 31, 2009, 11:57:27 am
Thought for the day… If the American’s really did land on the moon 40 years ago… why has nobody stepped foot on it since?

*****
 
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.  

 
 *****
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.  
   
 ****
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

******
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!  

******
 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

*****

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.  

******

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.  
 
*******

A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory  

*******
 
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.  

*****

I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.  
 
*****

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

******

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.  

*****

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
 
******
In Memoriam

 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.  

********
 
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.  

****** 

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
*****
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

****** 
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.  

***** 
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!  
   
******
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
     


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: ssweetpea on July 31, 2009, 12:05:07 pm
THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY .... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
 
1.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?  ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16.  If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

32.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on July 31, 2009, 09:58:17 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw2IIU0a9qw&NR=1.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on August 01, 2009, 04:24:29 pm
   A logical Puzzle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra.

Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 








*   Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed                                                                      *


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 03, 2009, 08:24:25 pm
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
 let him keep her.

 David Bissonette

 After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
 just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

 Sacha Guitry

 By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
 you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 Socrates

 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
 them.

 Anonymous

 The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
 'What does a woman want?
 Dumas

 I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.
 Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to
 go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,

> >>> soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
> >>>
> >>> Anonymous

 There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
 electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
 Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and
 the second one didn't.'

 James Holt McGavra

 Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

 Patrick Murra

 The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
 forget it once....
 Nash

 You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
 Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 Rodney Dangerfield


 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day
 he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You
 can have mine.'
 Anonymous

 First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
 Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

 Anonymous


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Sir Blodsnogger on August 04, 2009, 04:23:00 am
These are some of the funniest I have ever seen.
Great stuff
Thanks guys and guyesses


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 05, 2009, 09:38:15 am

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.





 






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot too, but I needed company ....
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: pantherrr0 on August 06, 2009, 04:12:05 am
! dammit i made idiot status =(


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 08, 2009, 05:27:05 pm
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding
anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were
married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the
trade and spice up our sex life a bit....?'

She said 'No, I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
rugby for Wales ....


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 11, 2009, 07:47:55 pm
The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 14, 2009, 08:10:19 am
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
 
 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
 

 
Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But that's just what I did, mommy."
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on August 15, 2009, 05:45:31 pm
EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of
Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st
December 2009 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 20, 2009, 08:57:15 pm
 LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS 




A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Harry.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on August 20, 2009, 09:28:41 pm
  A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic       
  garbage bags behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while
  a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.                                                                                                                         
  Noticing this, a  policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
  falling out of that bag."                                                                                                                               
  "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if
  I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."                                                                                                           
  Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that money?  You
  didn't steal it, did you?"                                                                                                                                 
  "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next  to the   
  football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee         
  through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to     
  really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not     
  make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the   
  knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.                                                                                                               
  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab     
  hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or off it comes.'                                                                                         
  "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by   
  the way, what's in the other bag?"                                             
                                                                                 
  "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 21, 2009, 11:00:32 am
LITTLE HARRY ON MATH  (Part 2)





Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

'Why'? asks the father.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.

'But that's right' says his father.

'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'

'What's the f*'kin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said' replied Harry.

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 22, 2009, 09:22:58 am
LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH





Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on August 22, 2009, 09:18:03 pm
A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.





The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'





The customer says, 'Female.'





The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'





The customer replies, 'White.'





The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'





The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'





The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 23, 2009, 10:38:50 am
LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR





Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a p*'s!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOU 'RE  AN EIGHT, but  if you had bigger t**s, you'd be a TEN




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on August 26, 2009, 12:32:51 am
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
Her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her
Extra curricular activities, but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she
Accused Frank, a new member, of being an
Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
Parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank

(and several others)

That every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words,
Stared at her for a moment and
Just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..

Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
In front of Mildred's house ....
Walked home


.. . .and left it there all night!!!


(You gotta love Frank!)

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on August 26, 2009, 12:55:16 am
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Brownie55 on August 26, 2009, 02:03:44 am
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith...

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 
               

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
 

 

 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on August 26, 2009, 02:35:54 am
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...
Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain From sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal
Thoughts.

 One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her
right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this Means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head,










'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 26, 2009, 12:30:00 pm
LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fu*'in' beautiful'.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 27, 2009, 08:21:16 am
LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER





Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fu*'in' business.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on August 27, 2009, 02:14:52 pm
A man is in bed and reaches over to his wife.He starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her side and legs.He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife gasps "Why have you stopped?" he replies "I've found the remote, go back to sleep!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on August 27, 2009, 02:17:22 pm
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Sir Blodsnogger on August 27, 2009, 11:59:30 pm
The sign on the shop front said 'Talking Dog for Sale'. Bruce was intrigued he went right in and walked up to the shop keeper and said 'do you really have a talking dog?
'Yes' said the dog 'I am over here under the meat counter.'

As you can imagine Bruce was absolutely speechless when he peeked over and saw the black Labrador looking at him. The dog proceeded to tell him about the brave deeds he had performed when working for Interpol and the police undercover drug unit. He heard how the dog had rescued a whole herd of dragon boat racers from drowning by towing them on a long rope through the water. Bruce was also  astounded when he heard how the dog boasted about single handedly over powering a room full of brawling seamen.

'How much is the dog' asked Bruce. He was expecting it to be a very high price.
The owner replied that he wanted five dollars for the dog.

Bruce could not believe his luck then he wanted to know why only five bucks for a talking dog.
'The dogs does nothing but tell lies.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 28, 2009, 09:49:51 am
The 1st Affair

A  married man was having an affair

with  his secretary. 

One day they went to her place

and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up  at 8  PM ..

The man  hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes 

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put  on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife  demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm  having an affair with my secretary..

We had sex all  afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!' 


The  2nd Affair

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters   

but always talked about having a son.   

They decided to try one last time

for  the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant 

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful  father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever  seen.

He told his wife:  'There's no way I can 

be the father of this baby.   

Look   at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered! 

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?' 

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this  time!'
 


The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz,

about  to be cremated,

and  made a startling discovery.

Schwartz  had the largest  private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr.  Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be  cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It  must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, 

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home     

'I  have something to show 

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his  briefcase.

'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,   

'Schwartz is dead!



The   4th Affair

A   woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,'  she said, 'stand in the corner.'         

She  rubbed baby  oil all over him,

then  dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't  move until I tell you,'

she said,  'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's  this?' the husband  inquired   

as he entered the room.

'Oh  it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I  liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was  said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM  the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned 

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the  statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'



The   5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to  the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one  cent.'

'One  Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy  steak   

and a bottle of wine?'

'A   nickel,' the barman  replied.

'A  nickel?'  exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The  bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my  wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with  your wife?'

The  bartender replied:

'The   same thing I'm doing

to his business down here..' 



The  6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly:     

'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he  insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your  sister, your best friend,     

her best  friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 

'now just rest and let the poison work.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 29, 2009, 08:55:50 am
Today's chuckle from me which ought to make you feel better about

your computer skills!

 

 Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have? 

Customer:    A  white one... 
 

  ============ === 

 

Customer:    Hi,  this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support:   Have you tried pushing  the Button?

Customer:    Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech  support:    That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer:    No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's

still on my desk... sorry... 

 

  ============ === 

 

Tech  support:    Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of

the screen. Customer:   Your left or my left? 

 

    ============ === 

 

Tech  support:    Good  day. How may I help you?

Male  customer:    Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on  'start'  for me and....

Customer:   Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not

Bill Gates.

 

============ ===

 

Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every

time I try, it says 'Can't find  printer'.  I've even lifted the

printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still

says he can't find it.

 

    ============ ==

 

Customer:   I have  problems printing in red..

Tech  support:    Do you have a color printer?

Customer:    Aaaah........ ......... .....thank you.

 

    ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

 

      ============ ===

 

Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore.

Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer.

Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: !   OK

Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you?

Customer:  Yes

Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. Is there

another keyboard? Customer:   Yes, there's another one here. Ah… that

one does work. 

 

    ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    Your password is the small letter 'a' as in  apple,

a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer:   Is that 7

in capital  letters ?

 

   ============ === 

Customer:   I can't get on the  Internet.

Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my  colleague do it.

Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer:   Five dots. 

 

   ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use?

Customer:   Netscape.

Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

 

    ============ ===

 

Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen

saver on my computer, but every time I  move the mouse, it disappears.

 

   ============ ===

 

Tech  support:    How may I help you?

Customer:   I'm writing my first  email.

Tech  support:    OK,  and what seems to be the problem?

Customer:   Well, I have  the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I

get the little circle around it? 

 

    ============ ===

 

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a  problem with her

printer. Tech  support:   Are you running it under windows? Customer:

 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man

sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer

is working fine.' 

    ============ ===

 

And last  but not least....

 

 

Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at

the same time. That brings up a task list  in the middle of the

screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'

Customer:   I don't have a P. Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:   What do you mean? Tech support:   'P'.....on  your

keyboard, Bob. Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO  THAT!  


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 30, 2009, 06:07:31 pm
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didnt't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!


 
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.


 
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music .

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Shef on August 30, 2009, 11:53:01 pm
What do Tongans call a dog with a waggy tail?




A happy Meal ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 31, 2009, 10:32:20 am
Four Catholic men and a Sardar were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the Sardar was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 31, 2009, 12:07:40 pm

http://i589.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid589.photobucket.com/albums/ss334/donquixotenz/Gags01.flv


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 01, 2009, 10:52:03 am
Subject: What beats a princess?


 A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an

obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good

mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,

 he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big

scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your

trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he

 noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a

muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute

 engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the

 main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned

  her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I

  take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant

   replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country

   I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 01, 2009, 06:42:31 pm

I don't know how they wrote this with a straightface. This was a real
memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer  peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was  quite genuine. The engineers
rolled on the floor!

This was an actual IBM Memo

MEMO
To: Field Personnel
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each   person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 01, 2009, 06:49:31 pm
What does a Muslim Pussy look like?


(http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)

         

           (http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)



                   (http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)



                               (http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)










(http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Cat.jpg)





Oh, come on!  What the hell were you thinking??


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 02, 2009, 08:36:23 am
A CURE FOR SNORING


Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so
badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole
Time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning
With his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes
Are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof.. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

'Wonderful morning,' he says cheerfully.

His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'
 

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 02, 2009, 11:07:10 pm




Jesus and the Burglar


 

 A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.

 

 He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

 saying 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.

 

 When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard:

'Jesus is watching you.'

 

 Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically.

 

 Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked,

 

 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

 

 The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

 'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

 

 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

 'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 03, 2009, 07:40:42 am
 :) :)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 03, 2009, 07:46:40 am


This is gold.. Hope you get a laugh.
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy......it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 03, 2009, 12:33:53 pm
Volunteering for Retirement


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
 

 
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
 
 
 
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip
 
of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000..
 
 
 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
 
 
 
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
 
 
 
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
 
 
 
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 03, 2009, 12:38:46 pm
The priest decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

 He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'


Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.


Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing

(http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)



          (http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)



                    (http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/Finger.gif)










'MEMORIES.'



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 04, 2009, 08:18:12 am
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

 

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

 

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

 

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

 

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

 

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

 

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

 

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma !'

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 04, 2009, 06:17:29 pm
Naked Cowboy

 


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 04, 2009, 06:59:57 pm
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE]


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'



The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'



The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'



'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'



The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'



The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 05, 2009, 09:37:38 am
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read

 "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,


"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 06, 2009, 11:19:00 am
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.

DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!


 

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN

SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

               

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

       

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

               

3) Add 3

               

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)

               

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit

number.....

               

6 ) Add the digits together

               

Now Scroll down

..................

               

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

               

1. Einstein

 2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4.  Ronald Reagan

5.  Bill Gates

6.     Gandhi

7.  Brad Pitt

8.  Babe Ruth

9.  DONQUIXOTENZ

10 David Niven

I know.... ..I just have that effect on people.....one day you, too, can be like me.....Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: pantherrr0 on September 06, 2009, 11:21:32 am
=(  theres no one for 10.5


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 17, 2009, 04:59:13 pm
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. 

 

The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat..

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that  everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 17, 2009, 05:01:12 pm
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.  He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick .....
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 18, 2009, 01:13:39 am
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an  Island . If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got  pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers at night. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.  What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7).


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 18, 2009, 11:14:49 pm
WHILE SHOPPING IN A FOOD STORE, TWO NUNS HAPPEN TO PASS BY THE BEER COOLER.
ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE
WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING."

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, AS I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM", SHE REPLIED AS SHE PICKED UP A
SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH
A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "A SHAMPOO, IF YOU WILL."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A
PACKAGE OF PRETZELS STICKS AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN
LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED AND SAID," THE CURLERS ARE ON
THE HOUSE."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 22, 2009, 08:02:59 pm
Three rugby fans - a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan were all walking home after
watching a game at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.

The Springbok fan couldn't bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and
took off his Sprinbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.

Not to be outdone the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast.

Similarly, the Australian fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by them.

They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down
some notes.

He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.

Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area.

The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes.

He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.

For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking  there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan.

The officer replied ..................................





"It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on September 22, 2009, 08:25:54 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons/862BeingBusyInARecession22Sep09.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on September 23, 2009, 02:28:11 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons/865GettingToTheTop23Sep09.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 24, 2009, 04:40:05 pm
On a snowy, cold Monday morning, a man and woman's cars skid into each other in a head on collision.  It's a bad one.  Both cars are crumpled beyond recognition but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.  Still dazed, both crawl out of the wreckage and, in shock, the man immediately launches into a threnody against women drivers.  The woman says, 'But think of it, both our cars are demolished but God spared us - we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!  But you're still at fault - women shouldn't be allowed to drive...' The woman continues, 'And look, here's another miracle.  My car is a write off but this bottle of wine didn't even break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man.  Still muttering about women drivers, the man opens it and drinks half before handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and puts it down.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No.  I think I'll just wait for the police...


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 24, 2009, 04:40:43 pm
A man walked into the produce section of a London Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. 
The man was insistent he be sold half a head and that the boy ask the department manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." 
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly
added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man happily went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who can think on their feet hereat Tesco’s. Where are you from, son?"

" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing there but whores and rugby players."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 24, 2009, 04:41:40 pm
oe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
Things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on September 24, 2009, 10:08:43 pm

 ;D
(http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss248/2sexy4mypants_photos/cid_FCC3EE451D574406AD8432EB0CD6BAF.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Im2Sexy4MyPants on September 24, 2009, 10:15:33 pm
Man plays with his pet croc

(http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss248/2sexy4mypants_photos/crocman4.jpg)
(http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss248/2sexy4mypants_photos/crocman1.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on September 26, 2009, 03:59:35 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons/869RoadClosed25Sep09.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Justic on September 27, 2009, 12:25:27 am
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"Four months vacation and five good leads."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 10, 2009, 12:56:13 pm
Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 10, 2009, 12:56:57 pm
Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time...... By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 10, 2009, 12:57:38 pm
S O M E T I MES


Sometimes....

when you cry.....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain....

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes…

when you are worried…

no one sees your stress.



Sometimes…

when you are happy...

no one sees your smile.



-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!



Send this on to your friends -- Make them laugh!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 13, 2009, 01:30:29 am
v      Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

v      To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

v      The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

v      Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

v      All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

v      Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

v      Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

v      As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

v      If you come early, the boss is late. If you come late?? The boss is in the office and waiting for the REPORTS.

v      Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

v      When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

v      If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

v      The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

v      You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

v      After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

v      Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

v      There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

v      An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

v      Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

v      Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 13, 2009, 01:30:59 am
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 13, 2009, 01:31:37 am
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
 
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
 
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
 
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
 
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
 
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
 
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
 
Mujibar now works at a call center.
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 13, 2009, 01:32:13 am
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................









You'll like this...............

























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 27, 2009, 09:28:04 pm
A notable gynaecologist once said,

"The  best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 27, 2009, 09:29:20 pm
Australian Poetry Competition
>>
>> The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a
>> university graduate and an old aboriginal.
>>
>> They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and
>> come
>> up with a poem that contained the word.
>>
>> The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU' First to recite his poem was the
>> university graduate.
>> He stepped up to the microphone and said:
>>
>> Slowly across the desert sand
>> Trekked a lonely caravan
>> Men on camels two by two
>> Destination -Timbuktu
>>
>> The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
>> thought.
>>
>> The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
>>
>>
>> Me and Tim a huntin' went
>> Met three whores in a pop up tent
>> They were three, and we was two
>> So I bucked one, andTimbuktu
>>
>> The aboriginal won.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 27, 2009, 09:29:52 pm
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his Trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.   "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.   "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.   Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
         
Things went downhill from there. 

 

 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on November 21, 2009, 07:25:17 am
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.


ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.



ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE..



IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 



CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on December 26, 2009, 12:30:29 am

Two Woodpeckers...


A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 22, 2010, 09:14:41 am

The only cow in a small town in  Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in  New Zealand quite

Cheaply.  They brought the cow from  New Zealand and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,"  they said.  "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,  "Did you by chance, buy this cow in  New Zealand .... ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from  New Zealand .

"You are truly a wise Vet,"  they said.  "How did you know we got the cow in  New Zealand .... ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,  "My wife is from New Zealand ..... !"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on May 22, 2010, 10:03:13 am
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)

Nice to see you DonQ. (http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/23emrose.gif)  Hope all is good with you.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 28, 2010, 04:53:26 pm
A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Fenelon Falls and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the  hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Peterborough.

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"



v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
 
"No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now."
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 05, 2010, 12:42:29 pm
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.   She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."


So, Here I am.





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 06, 2010, 02:39:42 am
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. And since we are reaching that forgetful stage, we need all the reminders we can get!

Don't laugh.....it is all true...
The Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01.. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And Remember:

Never,
under any
circumstances,
take a sleeping pill
and a laxative
on the same night.
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on June 08, 2010, 02:11:00 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202010/3782904sSlickHumour07Jun10.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 16, 2010, 02:43:13 pm


I got a new stick deodorant today. 



The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.   


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: nitpicker1 on June 16, 2010, 04:07:50 pm


 :o
I got a new stick deodorant today. 



The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.  


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..
 


One of my mates has Hemorrhoids. His Doc gave him some huge capsules a while ago. I asked him a while later whether they were helping him. He said  "For all the good they are doing me I might as well have stuck them up my arse." 


Joking apart, and I vouch for the truth of it,  my long deceased ex-FIL had the same complaint.  Nothing seemed to help so eventually he tried an old home cure that someone told him about: Put an old boot in a bucket, set fire to it and sit on the bucket for a couple of hours.

The boot didn't want to burn, so he soaked it in diesel  ......



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on June 23, 2010, 11:14:50 pm
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in 
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after 
moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome 
the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the 
drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing 
about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he 
decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. 

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock 
on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man 
urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another 
day. 
 
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, 
he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and 
then put his head next to the bull's bum. 

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and 
says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come 
over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the ! 
yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking 
it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it 
could just about shit on you.' 

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, 
these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.' 

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian 
customs.' 

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He 
say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and 
listen to bull-shit'   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: nitpicker1 on August 11, 2010, 09:13:18 pm

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say Polish Remover




 
 

 
 




 






 
 












Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on August 11, 2010, 09:34:54 pm
(http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/2funny.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: ssweetpea on August 18, 2010, 02:37:14 pm
Not exactly a joke but I had to share.


Railroad tracks.
The  US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the  US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 
 
 
Why did the wagons have that particular
odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in   England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
 
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial   Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including   England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial  Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.  In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
 
 Now, the twist to the story:

 When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .
 
 The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
So, Horse's Asses control almost everything...
...Explains a whole lot of things,
doesn't it?  


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 16, 2010, 10:19:06 pm
PROVERBS.

1.  A day without sunshine is like night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of Politicians give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?


15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?


20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?


21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'


22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



25. An armed society is a polite society. 



26. Manners are good when one may have to back up his actions with his life. 




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Crusader on October 20, 2010, 10:19:25 pm
Pamela Anderson is running in slow motion on the beach and comes across a lamp. She picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears. He thanks her and states she can have one wish. Pamela thinks real hard and asks the genie if he could make the T.V series V.I.P the sensational hit it should have been. The genie just laughs at her and states that he has seen that show and not even he has the power to make that a hit and then tells her to make another wish. Pamela again thinks about and asks the genie if he could then make her vagina tighter. The genie thinks about this for a moment and finally says ''umm let me have a look at that show V.I.P.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Crusader on October 20, 2010, 10:22:17 pm
Lisa Lampanelli is always going on about gangbangs with black guys. But in this day and age, who is she fooling? Everyone knows a black guy wouldn't get inside anyone the size of a slave ship.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 22, 2010, 12:04:38 am
Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'

Bloody women - they think of everything!!!!

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR Place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
 

 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 27, 2010, 08:32:42 pm
 The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    Home at $7000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
     Five miles a day when he was 60.
     Now he's 97 years old
     And we don't know where the hell he is.
   
    I like long walks,
     Especially when they are taken
     By people who annoy me.
   
    The only reason I would take up walking
     Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
     I have to walk early in the morning,
     Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
   
    I joined a health club last year,
     Spent about 400 bucks.
     Haven't lost a pound.
     Apparently you have to go there.
   
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
     I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
   
    I do have flabby thighs,
     But fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
     Is so when you die, they'll say,
     'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
   
    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    Start with a small country.
   
    I know I got a lot of exercise
     The last few years,......
     Just getting over the hill..
 
   We all get heavier as we get older,
     Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
     That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much
      About how I look,
     I just find a Happy Hour
  And by the time I leave,
     I look just fine.
   
    You could run this over to your friends
     But just e-mail it to them!   


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on October 27, 2010, 08:46:10 pm
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/02emteeth.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on October 28, 2010, 03:02:47 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/News%20Story%20Pix%202010/NZHerald_YuKeeFood_27Oct10.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 29, 2010, 10:46:18 pm
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens
 


 
 




he kept in the hen house behind the church.
               
 

One Sunday morning, before mass, he

went to feed the birds and discovered

that the cock was missing.
 
 

He knew about cock fights in


the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,   

'Has anybody got a cock? '
   
   
 
 
  All the men stood up.
 
 
 
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? '


 
 
  All the women stood up.
 

   'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them? '
   
   
 
  Half the women stood up.
 
 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '   
 Sixteen altar boys, two priests
and a goat stood up.
 
 The priest fainted.



Amen~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on December 30, 2010, 08:18:16 am
Silver Surfers Wisdom ......

 

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


 I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?   

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric
grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.   

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'   
     ^
^
^
V
V
V
V

V


So I wrote down:       ID10T 

I used to like Eric, the little bastard



★*•˚° ★。 ° ˛˚˛★* •。* •。Happy New Year all★* •。★*˚° 。* •。˛˚*° 。˚*•★★

(๏̯͡-̃)



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: akadaka on January 06, 2011, 06:09:46 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkVl_7N-m3I


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 14, 2011, 11:30:09 pm
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a..m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

  In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 18, 2011, 08:40:48 am
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. 
 
   
 
 
 
 They were determined to make this a real vacation 
  by not wearing anything that would identify them 
  as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed 
  for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, 
  shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 
 
 
 
 The next morning they went to the beach 
  dressed in their 'tourist' garb. 
  They were sitting on beach chairs, 
 
 
 
 enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 
  'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini 
  came walking straight towards them.. 
  They couldn't help but stare. 
 
               
 
 As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 
  'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' 
  nodding and addressing each of them individually, 
  then she passed on by. They were both stunned. 
  How in the world did she know they were priests? 
  So the next day, they went back to the store 
  and bought even more outrageous outfits. 
 
 
 
 These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.  Again she nodded at each of them, said 
 
 
 
 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' 
  and started to walk away.  One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,  'Just a minute, young lady..' 'Yes, Father?' 
  'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 
 
           
 
 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.   
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 07, 2011, 08:44:04 pm
SCHOOL -- 1970 vs. 2010



Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.

1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmaster. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.

1970 - Ants die.

2010-  Police, Armed Forces,  & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: nitpicker1 on March 09, 2011, 04:39:18 pm
Ain't it the truth.(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/42_Whip.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 09, 2011, 04:54:44 pm
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/07emangry.gif)

ITS BLOODY SAD, IT IS ALL TRUE!!

It shouldnt be in the joke thread!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 09, 2011, 04:56:38 pm
Subject: New dictionary definitions

 

 

 

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

and MY Favourite!!
=========================
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
------------------------------------------------------------------
 



(http://smfsupport.com/support/Smileys/smfnew/smitten.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 09, 2011, 09:14:36 pm
I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What bloody good advice :O)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 11, 2011, 05:21:30 pm
Brace yourselves……...

01. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

02. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

03. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

04. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

05. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

06. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

07 . An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

08 . Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

09 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

10 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

11 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

12.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

13 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

14 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

15 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

And finally

16 . There was the person who sent puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 18, 2011, 06:08:03 pm
http://www.facebook.com/v/1767503582045 (http://www.facebook.com/v/1767503582045)

Amazing, the study of psychology.

Watch (see attachment).

Here we have a set of stairs, adjacent to a moving escalator next to it .... both of which lead to the same spot on the floor of the upper level. At first no one took the stairs, almost 97% of the people took the escalator. Okay. I think that could be a normal expected result.

Then a group of engineers got together, and decided they wanted to change the percentage around.

Notice what these scientists did. Clever. And now they have reversed the percentages, as a whopping 66% more people take the stairs, than ride the escalator.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 25, 2011, 11:31:03 pm
RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.  But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam .."


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Lovelee on March 26, 2011, 01:14:22 am
The other day I needed to go to Middlemore A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet on to the top pocket of my jacket..

When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people
got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at Work & Income. It saved me 5 hours.

At Britomart, getting a seat on the train to Papakura, sweet as, almost had a whole carriage.

At the launderette, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....

The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on March 26, 2011, 08:04:34 pm
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can  had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. 
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,


'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'



(http://i607.photobucket.com/albums/tt153/Newtown-Fella/msuperior.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on April 05, 2011, 02:48:21 am



NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

      A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
      They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

      The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
      But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

      Emma come first.
      Den I come.
      Den two asses come together.
      I come once-a-more! .
      Two asses, they come together again.
      I come again and pee twice.
      Then I come one lasta time.'

      The lady can't take this anymore,
      "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
      She retorted indignantly.

      'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

      'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
      I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '  Mississippi '..

      $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on April 05, 2011, 02:49:26 am
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


        On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped in to a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled in to bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

         When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 20, 2011, 11:46:38 am
TOUGH TIMES AHEAD


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister
Of Immigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military
Action against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will
Cut off Australia's and New Zealand's supply of Cab Drivers and if this action does not
Yield sufficient results, Telstra and Telecom's Customer Service Reps will be
Next, followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, and finally,
Queensland  and New Zealand Doctors and chemists.

THIS IS GETTING UGLY!!!!!!





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on May 20, 2011, 03:46:45 pm
 Extracts from letters written  To local councils:


  1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
  12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
  16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
  18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
  22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 26, 2011, 04:43:39 pm
NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) A Car
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of

answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution...they walk among us!

 
 
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?


One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'.....
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


They Drive, they breed, they vote.

God help us!





Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on August 01, 2011, 02:59:31 pm
MAXINE’S PONDERINGS






Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?




If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?




     


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* 
Why do croutons come in
airtight packages?
 Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?




If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?   




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps? That way we all get a good look.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?




Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: TokGal on August 03, 2011, 08:49:39 am
my 7 year old great niece was teaching her 3 year old brother to play paper, rock, scissors, after losing a few times he made his own version up,.......paper, rock, GUN!

I guess the gun beats all.  ;)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on September 27, 2011, 06:03:48 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202011/2149_SomeMilestones_27Sep11.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on September 30, 2011, 11:07:20 am
Senior on computer
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
... He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' ?
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard .

If you're not a Senior yet then send this to one...


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: pantherrr0 on October 04, 2011, 01:36:48 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuA6ZjpEJys

busted!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on October 17, 2011, 08:12:19 pm

     (http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202011/2171_GatedCommunity_10Oct10.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on October 17, 2011, 08:12:53 pm

          (http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202011/2184_TwitterBegger_17Oct11.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on November 04, 2011, 07:59:57 pm
The English Plural

according to....



We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.



If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?



Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.



We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speakingEnglish

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........


If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.????






Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on November 07, 2011, 01:13:16 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202011/2225_GolfHole_07Nov11.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on July 18, 2012, 04:06:49 pm

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an Aussie.

“Watch and you'll see,” answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this, agreeing it was quite a clever idea.

The Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks a confused Aussie.

“Watch and you'll see,” answers one of the Kiwis.

After boarding the train, the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly after, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please!”



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 15, 2012, 02:49:15 pm


Extracts from letters written To local councils:

extracts from letters to the council

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Magoo on September 15, 2012, 04:30:24 pm
 ;D ;D ;D   Good to see you Don. (http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/MSN%20emoticons/39emthup.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on September 16, 2012, 09:51:15 pm
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

 

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.. (Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off

eating beans. (William, age 7)

 

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

 

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

 

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

 

If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.
 ;D


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on December 04, 2012, 03:41:38 pm

(http://i1248.photobucket.com/albums/hh499/ngatimozart/Offtheclockclassic.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on December 08, 2012, 08:29:19 pm


Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'



 


'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!





She said, 'Oh, my God, it 's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on December 20, 2012, 03:10:10 pm
Last year , I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive , double-pane , energy-efficient kind .

Today , I got a call from the contractor who installed them .

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them .

Helloooo ,............

Just because I'm blonde , it doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid .

So , I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year ...

"That these windows would pay for themselves in a year" .
 
Hellooooo ? It's been a year , so they're paid for ,
I told him .

There was only silence at the other end of the line , so I finally hung up .

He never called back . I bet he felt like an idiot !!!!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on December 21, 2012, 07:34:51 am
Holiday message

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 04, 2013, 08:08:13 am
Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy,with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.



Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.


Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 09, 2013, 08:45:04 pm
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0)

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 18, 2013, 09:36:57 am
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.




And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'





And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord,Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.
 
 
 

And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.


And the Cat . . .

didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: dragontamer on January 20, 2013, 11:04:52 pm
I was walking down the street with my husband earlier when he accused me of being ashamed to be seen with him. “That’s total bollocks” I replied, by text, from across the road.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 24, 2013, 07:46:48 am
After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
 
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
 
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
 
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
 
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
 
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
 
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
 Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
 
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
 
The Maid quit.
 
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
 
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
 
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
 
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
 
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
 
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.:)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Newtown-Fella on January 27, 2013, 05:26:55 pm
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

 

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

 

The second boy said, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

 

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

 

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

 

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on January 30, 2013, 08:06:46 pm
Ladies toilets - so very funny - probably cos it's probably so true........

 

 


When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.

 

Every cubicle is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!


The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.


In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.


The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.


'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don'tKNOW what kind of diseases you could get.


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.


The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDED it?)


You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.


This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.


Send this to all women that need a good laugh and to the boys to make them understand that being a girl is not all that easy! 


A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
 
 


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on February 02, 2013, 12:48:56 pm

(http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/150649_476888039035598_1672140865_n.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: reality on February 02, 2013, 02:05:16 pm
Sorry to hear all that Bob..I mean Bwuss....life must be very difficult for you ::)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on February 02, 2013, 02:12:35 pm
Sorry to hear all that Bob..I mean Bwuss....life must be very difficult for you ::)


So says the idiot who couldn't "hack it" living in ENZED, so fled across the Ditch like a terrified rat!  (http://www.smfboards.com/Smileys//smf/uglystupid2.gif)

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Animated%20Gifs/Scared_Rat.gif) ← ← ← ← ← ← ← Reality


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: reality on February 02, 2013, 02:18:46 pm
Chin up sonny ;)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: reality on February 02, 2013, 02:20:56 pm
Guess its always an easy decision for you .......as to what you get your wife/girlfriend /boyfriend for their birthday :P


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on February 02, 2013, 05:31:01 pm
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/03_Huh.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Alicat on February 02, 2013, 05:49:51 pm
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/03_Huh.gif)

Me too Don (http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/03_Huh.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on February 24, 2013, 01:56:31 pm

(http://i378.photobucket.com/albums/oo227/Kiwithrottlejockey/General%20Photographs/img9590_zpsb9aed0d2.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 01, 2013, 10:56:22 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/LA%20Times%20News%20Pix/latimes_2013feb28axl_zps6d218a69.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on March 01, 2013, 11:06:09 am
Hahahahaha!(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/31_HeHe.gif)(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/09_ROFLMAO.gif)(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/17_Clapping.gif)
Too Pooped To pope.
Too much!


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 03, 2013, 09:15:30 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202013/2856_Resurrection_03Feb13_zpsf378f154.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 08, 2013, 10:40:48 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202013/5053_Forbes_07Mar13_zps2819f00e.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 17, 2013, 09:35:03 pm
Must read.... I borrowed this from a friends post..

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on April 27, 2013, 12:10:22 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202013/8603045sr_Plumber_27Apr13_zpsabccb422.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 27, 2013, 12:38:04 am


 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

 Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
 
“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 28, 2013, 09:49:10 pm
LMAO...PRICELESS!!

 A London lawyer drives past a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

 He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
 London lawyer, and is certain that he has a
 better education than any Paddy cop!. He decides to prove this
 to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

 Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

 London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

 Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the
 Stop sign.'

 London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

 Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
 License And registration, please.'

 London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

 Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to
 complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
 please!'

 London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
 between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and
 registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go
 and don't give me the ticket.'

 Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

 The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out
 his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it
 and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: robman on June 28, 2013, 10:49:42 pm
What's the name of David Bain's favourite band?



Powderfinger.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on June 28, 2013, 10:51:52 pm
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/06_ROFL.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on July 11, 2013, 09:56:30 am
My Travel Plans for 2013-2014
 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

 I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

 So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well that forgiveness part is up to you!!!

 From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on October 03, 2013, 09:43:43 pm
     A man and his wife were dressed and ready to go out for a New Year’s Eve Party. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered the pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
 
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave... the house. The cat they put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parakeet.
 
The wife goes out to the taxi, while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' he said, as they drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: AuntyRotter on October 04, 2013, 10:40:24 am
 ;D  Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see. (http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww32/XtraNewsCommunity2/Animated%20emoticons/05_Laughing.gif)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on December 15, 2013, 02:02:04 pm

(http://i712.photobucket.com/albums/ww127/baz1962/Garagecartoon_zps1d6094d9.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on April 07, 2014, 11:42:26 am
ROFLMAO 


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202097627819853&set=vb.1162273260&type=2&theater


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 06, 2014, 08:13:15 pm
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
   ::)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: donquixotenz on May 28, 2014, 09:11:05 pm

 I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on June 13, 2014, 02:37:28 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202014/20140613j_FifaPedestal_zps4df117c3.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on October 25, 2014, 04:59:41 pm

Postman Pat's last day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house, they presented him with fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold plated box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year-old Scotch Whisky.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a blonde woman in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from beneath the cup's bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what is the five dollars for?”

“Well,” said the blonde lady, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “Fuck him. Give him five bucks.”

She smiled prettily, “The breakfast was my idea.”



Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on December 24, 2014, 08:01:18 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmuS3SGgRsw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmuS3SGgRsw)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on April 18, 2015, 01:50:21 am

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202015/20150418_ToughCrowd_11570676sr_zps2ayp08um.jpg) (http://static2.stuff.co.nz/1429260840/676/11570676.jpg)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 02, 2016, 02:21:14 pm

(http://i365.photobucket.com/albums/oo92/RasputinDude/Cartoons%202016/20160225_NatsBouncyCastleCollapse_zpsqj8szywe.jpg) (https://twitter.com/Slanecartoons/status/702937095942176768)


Title: Re: A Laugh a day keeps the Doctor away
Post by: Kiwithrottlejockey on March 02, 2019, 01:37:09 pm

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D0giySnUYAA2Jz6.jpg) (https://twitter.com/rodemmerson/status/1101168372010541056)